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Is Good to Kill Pirates! The Expendables (Rated R) by HEATHER GRIFFITHS I’ll skip discussing the inherent racism and sexism of The Expendables (103 minutes) since it was a deliberate choice to pay hom- age to the action-war thrillers of the 1980s. I will also let the gloriously stupid names slide, since I am sure that steroids and Botox probably affect the parts of the brain that can distinguish between names and descriptions. On the other hand, the lack of coherent plot, interesting dia- logue and quality effects are more than a little bit irritating. Oh, the star power is there, with cameos by Bruce Willis and Governor Ah-nuld Schwarzenegger. There is even talk of turning Willis into a super villain for The Expendables 2: Electric-spendaloo. Unfortunately, all the star power ends up running around with no con- sistent direction. As an idea, it sounds great on paper to pair classic big name action heroes with today’s high adrenalin names. In reality, the younger stars seem underutilized and the major stars seem more suited to sitting around discussing the glory days while they apply the heavy make- up I’m sure they needed to appear presentable. At this point, Stallone is putting on more make-up per day than I have worn in my entire life, cumulatively. A group of “elite” mercenaries are working near Somalia to rescue some hostages from PIRATES! The team roster includes Leader Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone), Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Yin Yang (for real … Jet Li), Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), and Toll Road (Randy Couture). Pirates get shot, and then Jensen and Yang disagree about appropriate etiquette for ending your visit with Somalian pirates. Yang prefers a subtle approach, but Jensen believes “... is good to kill pirates!” Their disagreement is meant to establish these as modern action heroes and not the nihilistic existentialists of yesteryear. All it really does is bore me. Once the Expendables are back home, their lives continue. Ross reluctantly dumps Jensen for … not liking … pirates? I guess? Christmas visits with his girlfriend Lacy If Looks Could Kill Nikita unleashes a bikini-clad assassin TV by DEAN ROBBINS In Nikita (Thursday, 9 p.m., CW), a killer with supermodel looks — you know, the deadliest kind of killer — is rescued from death row by a super-secret government agency and trained to be an assas- sin. Nikita (Maggie Q) discovers the agency’s corruption, escapes its clutches, and vows revenge. This involves parading around in stiletto heels and bikinis, shooting big guns, and knocking guys unconscious with awesome kung fu moves. Meanwhile, the supposedly super-secret agents couldn’t look any more conspicuous as they stalk Nikita through public places with long leather coats, shades and big guns of their own. The CW might have had fun playing this material for campy laughs, but Nikita isn’t interested in fun. Every actor speaks in those low tones that are supposed to signify “menacing” but here just signify “silly.” Your jaw drops in disbelief when scantily clad Nikita makes an earnest play for our heartstrings: “You know what it feels like having the thing you care about most in life taken away from you?” No, the CW isn’t having much fun here. But hooting at the screen should be a blast for the rest of us. Hellcats Wednesday, 9 pm (CW) Marti (Aly Michalka) is an excessively sarcastic first-year law student who hates her university’s cheerleaders with a passion, even getting into a public screaming match with the excessively perky pompom queen Savannah (Ashley Tisdale). But it takes only about 30 seconds for Marti to change her attitude and show up for cheerleading tryouts, where she wows the squad with her supercharged stripper-style moves. (Apparently, first-year law students have lots of time to practice their world-class dancing.) Thirty seconds later, Marti is on the squad and living in the cheerleaders’ house with — what are the odds? — Savannah as her roommate. “This is a no-negativity zone!” Savannah declares perkily. Indeed, Marti’s own negativity soon disappears in a series of rousing montages. I’m dying to make a comment here, but since Hellcats is a no-nega- tivity zone, my hands are tied. Destination Truth Thursday, 9 pm (SyFy) Josh Gates and his paranormal investigation team are appealing when they don’t take themselves seriously. On a trip to the ruins of Pompeii, for example, they kid each other about a wild goose chase into Mount Vesuvius for a mystical stone. “In a career filled with stupid ac- tivities,” Josh says, dangling from a rope, “this is something special.” When they do take themselves seriously, however, Destination Truth goes south in a hurry. The team hears rumors of “agonizing screams” in Pompeii’s ruins, so they set up their high-tech ghost-detection equipment in the middle of the night. We’re forced to watch them creep through the streets and almost encounter spirits as the soundtrack pumps out pointlessly eerie music. “I heard something running right behind me!” says an investigator. “I turned around and didn’t see a thing!” After a half-hour of this nonsense, I too heard an agonizing scream — my own. (Charisma Carpenter, or, for the Buffy fans, Cordelia!). I wait for something to explode in an interesting way. When that doesn’t happen, I wait for shirtless men to start throwing knives at gun barrels while shouting fun catch phrases. When that doesn’t happen, I wonder why nothing cool is happening. At least all the characters have motorcycles. Pretty, pretty motorcycles. And tattoos. The mercenaries gather at their friendly local tattoo shop, run by Tool (Mickey Rourke). Tool sets them up with the contact for their next job. Ross and Christmas head out for some reconnaissance to find out if the job is possible. Their local contact, Sandra (Gisele Itie), takes them around, but fails to give them some pretty important information (or any information beyond the basics, really. As a guide, she is not terribly helpful). Eventually Ross discovers that ex-CIA dude James Munroe (Eric Roberts) is controlling a military puppet regime using military leader Garza (David Zayas). The purpose is unclear although it does involve violent repression, forced labor and uncultivated fields that still some- how manage to yield tons of cocaine. They abort the mission. This involves driving destructively through the civilians who are only trying to make a living and firebombing the island’s only dock. So, is this the end? Nope, after a tearful (but manly! Always very, very, manly!) reunion with Tool, Ross decides he is returning to the island to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap … whoops. I started thinking about the far more entertaining Quantum Leap. OK, I’m back. Basically, the Expendables go back to the islands and blow a lot of stuff up. Do you like that? Then you’ll enjoy the movie. HEATHER GRIFFITHS, Contributing Writer COMMENTS? 484-6200 ext. 222 or editor@upandcomingweekly.com 48 UCW SEPTEMBER 8-14, 2010 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM