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SEPTEMBER 23-29, 2015 UCW 7 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM I k now I am going where ot hers fear to t read, and, believe me, I do so w it h g reat t repidat ion. But here I go any way, div ing headf irst into t he roiling waters of def ining mar r iage, what it is and what it is not . T his t ur ns out to be a more complic ated topic t han any of us might have t hought , one t hat has interested people t hroughout recorded histor y and an inst it ut ion t hat has evolved over t ime. T he latest fer vor of interest er upted sur rounding t he US Supreme Cour t 's r uling earlier t his year t hat t he lega l protec t ions and benef it s of mar r iage c annot Const it ut iona lly be w it hheld f rom same-gender couples. Severa l years ago, I read St anford scholar Mar ily n Ya lom's excellent and readable look at mar r iage in t he Wester n world pr imar ily f rom a woman's point of v iew, A Histor y of the Wife. She a lso w rote t he equa lly compelling Histor y of the Breast, but t hat is anot her column ent irely. On mar r iage, Ya lom r ight ly notes t hat for most of human histor y, mar r iages were made for reasons ot her t han romant ic love. From t he ver y earliest unions cent ur ies ago, mar r iage conveyed proper t y and power, exec uted mergers of familia l interest s, prov ided heirs to c ar r y on family names and resources, and g uaranteed homema k ing and ot her ser v ices to men. T hey were business dea ls, not sacred unions. Relig ion entered t he mar r iage arena somewhat later. Ya lom's book jacket ask s t hese quest ions. "How did mar r iage considered a relig ious dut y in medieva l Europe become a venue for persona l f ulf illment in contemporar y A mer ic a? How did t he not ion of romant ic love, a novelt y in t he Middle A ges, become a prerequisite for mar r iage today? A nd, if t he or ig ina l pur pose of mar r iage was procreat ion, what ex ac t ly is t he pur pose of mar r iage for women today? " W hat indeed? St udy af ter st udy tell us t hat men benef it more in mar r iage t han do women, t hat men are happier in mar r iage t han women, and t hat women—and increasingly in our count r y older women—seek divorce more of ten t han men. W hat does a ll t hat tell us about mar r iage in our c ult ure? It tells me t hat each mar r iage is dif ferent and t hat none of us k now what is going on in anyone's mar r iage but our ow n. It a lso tells me t hat t he inst it ut ion of mar r iage cont inues to evolve. My g randmot hers' mar r iages were dif ferent t han my ow n, and I ex pec t my children to have mar r iages encompassing dif ferent roles and responsibilit ies as well. Mar r iages involv ing mult iple w ives are not unusua l in many c ult ures and were once lega l in our ow n, cour tes y of A mer ic a's homeg row n relig ious denominat ion, t he Church of Jesus Chr ist of L at ter- day Saint s, in which t he prac t ice st ill ex ist s, a lbeit underg round t hese days. My g randmot hers probably never heard of a woman who did not t a ke her husband's family 's sur name, while my children's generat ion v iews t hat as a choice for women, not an obligat ion. Ya lom largely sk ir t s same- gender mar r iage issues, which were not as publicly pressing when her book was published in 2001 as t hey seem in 2015. Many ot hers have weighed in, t hough, including our nat ion's highest cour t . Many of t hose who have point out t hat while dif ferent relig ious t radit ions have t heir ow n t a kes on what mar r iage should be, it is a lso a sec ular lega l inst it ut ion which must t reat a ll indiv idua ls equa lly. In ot her words, lega l mar r iage's protec t ions and benef it s are available to a ll adult s who seek t hem regardless of sk in color, relig ious beliefs, nat iona l or et hnic or ig in, or gender. Kent uck y count y clerk K im Dav is, herself a veteran of four mar r iages, recent ly t hought her beliefs out weighed t he law of t he land as def ined by t hey US Supreme Cour t , and we a ll saw what happened to her. W hatever one's beliefs and ex per iences w it h mar r iage may be, mar r iage has a lways been and remains a deeply and profound persona l ex per ience. Each union is unique, and t he ex per iences of t he t wo people w it hin a mar r iage are, for bet ter or worse, t heirs a lone. A lmost ever yone who has ever been in a mar r iage repor t s t hat some days, some week s, some years are bet ter t han ot hers and t hat over t ime mar r iage soars to g reat highs and fa lls to sad and painf ul lows. A nd st ill, t he inst it ut ion endures for a ll sor t s of reasons, and human beings mar r y each ot her ever y day in our count r y and t hroughout t he world. Romant ic love is clearly a large fac tor, but so are t he desire for companionship, t he need for physic a l and f inancia l st abilit y, t he year ning for children, relig ious and c ult ura l protec t ion, and reasons pr ivate and k now n only to t hose enter ing mar r iage. Mar r iage is a uniquely human creat ion desig ned to g ive st r uc t ure to our desires and st abilit y to our common life toget her. However f lawed as t he inst it ut ion may be, it endures bec ause we want to bind ourselves to each ot her. Murky and Treacherous Waters by MARGARET DICKSON MARGARET DICKSON. Columnist. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. 910.484.6200. Defining marriage is taking a trip in murky and treacherous waters. 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