Up & Coming Weekly

December 02, 2015

Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.

Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/610029

Contents of this Issue

Navigation

Page 20 of 28

20 UCW DECEMBER 2-8, 2015 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM If Vin Diesel had set out to make a comedy, the end result would still not play as hilariously as The Last Witch Hunter (106 minutes). Go fish a copy of The Pacifier out of Wal- Mart's bargain clearance bin, if you harbor any doubts. Or, perhaps he was trying to make a comedy. How else to explain the glaring plot holes, the confusingly cast Frodo, and the completely checked out Michael Caine? Bizarrely, the film opens on a scene from 2001's Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. Fourteen years later, the cast is still walking through the snowy mountains. Then, we join The Last Witch Hunter, already in progress. In a shocking twist, all the people holding the crosses and trying to slay witches are dudes, while most of the witches are CGI, more or less of the female persuasion. So, men are righteous and women are full of evil. Got it. The camera moves too rapidly for me to be sure, but the Witch Queen (Julie Engelbrecht) wipes out most of the men with her female empowerment, only to be cut down by Kaulder (Diesel) who, after allowing the witches to kill most of his party, turns his sword into a magic flaming sword (+2 bonus) through the sheer force of his glorious pectorals. Sorry for the seemingly random Dungeons and Dragons reference, but Vin Diesel totally based his character on the game. Because he plays D&D. During this battle, the Witch Queen inexplicably grants Kaulder immortality, thus ensuring that her species will live in fear of a sworn enemy who cannot be killed from that moment until the end of time. Yes, you read that right. In this story, witches are a completely different species who nonetheless look exactly like humans, except when they look like sexy CGI trees. His immortality does not render him immune to injury, though, which is kind of a bummer when he gets turned into a burnt marshmallow while killing the Witch Queen a few minutes later. And it's unclear how long it takes him to heal injuries, because when the mystical fire burns down enough to render human exploration of the battle scene an option, which must have taken a day or two, Kaulder is still a crispy critter. Fast forward about 800 years. A priest serves as Kaulder's contact to an ancient organization called the Ax and Cross. This "Dolan" is the 36th to take the name, and is about to retire and be replaced by Dolan number 37. The 36th Dolan is played by Michael Caine, who spends the entire film drinking/comatose while suffering the indignity of being referred to as "kid." This is probably meant to be some sort of commentary on how Kaulder is so old that everyone seems young to him, but is actually just really irritating. Anyway, the 36th Dolan retires and then dies. The ancient order that is supposed to be humanity's only line of defense against those tricky witches does not find it suspicious in any way. He is replaced by Frodo. Frodo tells Kaulder about his hero worship of him and his devotion to the order, so Kaulder pats him on the head and employs him as Boy Wonder. Then, he goes to find his promised love interest. It's actually really easy. He just stumbles through the film until he runs into the first reasonably attractive woman who is at least twenty years younger than he is in real life, Chloe (Rose Leslie). When she acts like she hates him for no real reason, he knows he has found his soul mate, so he machos it up a bit while patronizing and insulting her. Naturally, she responds to this by helping him anyway she can. Overall, I was bored. I've got nothing against Diesel, who seems like a cool guy, and I like fantasy-action movies, but this one was not made for me. In fact, I'm not really sure who it was made for. My husband, possibly, who dubbed it "not that bad." Now playing at Patriot 14 + IMAX. Resting Witchface The Last Witch Hunter (Rated PG-13) by HEATHER GRIFFITHS HEATHER GRIFFITHS, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@ upandcomingweekly.com. 910.484.6200. Experience the Joy… Dr. J. Wayne Riggins, Dr. Sheel Patel, Dr. Raz Penmatcha Dr. Shelby Stephenson, Dr. Cynthia Toth, Dr. Lejla Vajzovic Dr. Edward Kenshock Jr., Dr. John Krempecki, Dr. Duy Lam Schedule your FREE iLASIK consultation at (910) 484-2284 ext 273 or visit our website at www.CapeFearEye.com to see if you're a candidate for this Life Changing Procedure! Financing Options *Honored among the Top doctors in America in LASIK, Cornea & Retina

Articles in this issue

Links on this page

Archives of this issue

view archives of Up & Coming Weekly - December 02, 2015