Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: http://www.epageflip.net/i/418071
6 NOVEMBER 19-25, 2014 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Who says money can't buy happiness? Certainly not real-estate developer Larry Hall who is in the business of buying up old nuclear missile silos and converting them into End of Times Condos for the rich and paranoid. Selling these missile condos is making Larry pretty, pretty, happy. The Wall Street Journal had a recent front page article about Larry's End Times Condo complex in Kansas that made me want to sign up. Unfortunately the $3 million price tag seemed a bit daunting. I wondered if they will sell time shares in the End Time Condos. If you were really lucky, the apocalypse would occur during your week of residence. Perhaps you could buy apocalypse cancellation insurance from AIG to hedge your bet if Doomsday came on a week when you were not entitled to be a tenant. I am not sure how the claims process would work if all life on Earth was wiped out. Your insurance pay out for the wrong week might be a little hard to collect. Consider a recent buyer who paid $3 million cash for an 1,820 square foot condo in the Silo of Doom. That's only $1,648 per square foot for peace of mind. Come the last apocalypse, he is going to be sitting pretty behind two armored blast doors that weigh 16,000 pounds each. It's going to be tough to pick those locks. Those doors were built to withstand a direct nuclear blast. Neither ISIS, Ebola, Congress controlled by Republicans or hordes of ravenous zombies will be able to get to the occupants of these condos when the hard rain is gonna fall. The End Times Condos are loaded baby. Featuring an indoor swimming pool, a 17-seat movie theater, hydroponic garden and fake windows made from hi definition video monitors that allow the inmates to view outdoor scenes like national parks or cityscapes. Each silo can hold up to 75 people in various condos. According to The Wall Street Journal article, the Doomsday Condos come with a five year supply of food, a spa, a dog park and medical facilities. The coolest thing is the condos have their own "holding cell" for tenants who don't comply with the condo rules. Now, that's entertainment. Reading about the Kansas Condos of Doom reminded me of one of my favorite movies, Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. For those of you who came in late, Dr Strangelove is a slightly dark comedy about accidental nuclear war. It's protagonist, Gen. Jack D. Ripper, the commander of a B-52 bomber wing, starts a nuclear war when he becomes highly concerned about fluoridation and the Commies draining his precious bodily fluids. He launched a wave of nuclear bomb carrying B52s into the land of the Russkies which precipitates an unpleasant nuclear holocaust. At the end of the movie, Dr. Strangelove, who sounds like Henry Kissinger, announces that the only way for humans to survive is to go into deep mine shafts and wait for the radiation to cool off until it is safe come out in about 100 years. Dr. Strangelove calculates that with a ratio of 10 women to each man that the refugees in the mine shafts could breed their way back to the gross national product in 20 years. The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff is concerned the Russians may have their own mine shafts to protect their leaders and announces "Mr. President, we must not allow ... a mine shaft gap." With the Doomsday Condos we shall have no mine shaft gap. Thanks to Larry Hall and his End Times Condos, we have now improved greatly on Dr. Strangelove's rather crude mineshaft survival plan. The bells and whistles have been hung in the silo with care, in hopes that doomsday soon will be there. The basic plan remains the same, putting rich and powerful men in a hole in the ground with lots of female companionship. However this time they will have condo dues and sun lamps. Bob Dylan foretold the End Times Condos in his song, "Shelter From the Storm." Let us imagine an infomercial for the End Times Condos. A beautiful singer in a tight dress invites us to buy a condo and croons, "Try imagining a place where it's always safe and warm/"Come in," she said, "I'll give you shelter from the storm." Buy your End Times Condo today. Before its too late, in more ways than one. Shelter From the Storm BY PITT DICKEY PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. The End Times Condos, built in former nuclear missile silos are an elegant place to spend the apocalypse. For more information visit www.jlfay.org JUNIOR LEAGUE OF FAYETTEVILLE Women building better communities Interested in becoming a member of the Junior League of Fayetteville? You're invited to attend an informational evening with the League to learn about who we are and what we do in the community. Join us on December 8th from 6:30 p.m. - 8:30 p.m. at Luigi's Restaurant. 2605 Fort Bragg Road, Fayetteville, NC 28303 910.323.5509 • www.jlfay.org