Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/695013
68 KIDS BAY AREA NEWS GROUP diaandsexting,andallthatputs even more pressure on kids." A survey by the Pew Research Center last year found that 24 percent of teens go online "almost constantly," thanks to the prolifer - ation of smartphones. More than 90 percent of teens, defined as those aged 13 to 17, said they were online daily, while more than half were online several times a day. Facebook, the study showed, was the most-used social media site among American teens, with 71 percent of all teens using the plat - form. Half used Instagram, and 40 percent were on Snapchat. All that digital dialogue and photo-swapping throws fuel on the fires burning within these identity-seeking young adults, while their worried and some - times angry parents look on in bewilderment. SHEPHERDINGONE'S children through their teenage years can be one of the most daunting parental duties of all. It's a messy, heart-wrenching slog — and that's on the good days. "As a school counselor in the East Bay, I saw a lot of parents actually fearing the coming teen years," says counselor Amy Spec - ter, the mother of a 14-year-old son and 11-year-old daughter, and who estimates she has worked with more than 1,000 kids in her career. Sure enough, when the teen years arrived, parents got frustrated. "Parents would come into my office and say things like, 'I give up. I feel disempowered and no longer have any inroads into the way my own child thinks.' " And while some kids veer off into a sort of self-imposed emo - tional quarantine, suffering from problems that include depres- sion, anorexia or even suicidal thoughts, other teens suffer from trying desperately to excel. "It's tough enough being a teenager, but especially here in the Bay Area, where you're sur - rounded by really high achievers," says Sydney Brown, a high school freshman from Mill Valley. Sydney and her mom, Carolyn Carpeneti, an entrepreneur and author, both stress the importance of communication in navigating the teen years. "My motto," Carpeneti says, "is to be curious but not critical. And what's really worked for me raising my son and daughter was taking notice of my kids' passions. With my son it was airplanes, and with my daughter it's scuba diving, and sharing that always gave us something to talk about, especially in those years when you're lucky to even get an 'uh' or an 'ugh' out of them." While Sydney says she and her mom have a close relationship, that doesn't necessarily mean they're best friends. "My mom gives me advice on friends, on boys, on what to wear. But she'll also give me space when I ask for it," she said. Those are common themes in the teen-parent dialogue: Parents should give kids their input, even if it seems like they're hitting a wall. Kids will internalize their parents' values, so be conscious of the values you're projecting, and be aware of the many fine lines that exist when hypersensitive teenagers are involved. "Our kids are extensions of ourselves, and it's very difficult for parents to separate themselves from their children and the paths they're choosing to take,'' says Michelle Skeen, a psychologist in San Francisco with three kids, including a 19-year-old daughter. To learn where their teens are at "means truly listening to their kids with an open mind and an open heart. But as soon as they in - terrupt to interject their advice or think they know better, the kids will push back. And that's when you'll start to have problems." PMAY@BAYAREANEWSGROUP.COM Smarana Abbadasari, 13, talks with Ethan Boyd, 14, during class at Discovery Charter School in San Jose.