Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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6 MARCH 2-8, 2016 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away there lived two black holes. Let us call them Taylor and Kanye. Right now you are probably asking yourself, "Self, why should I care about black holes?" Kindly allow me to interrupt your introspection with a colorful discovery from Astrophysics Land. There's big news from the Laser Interferometer Gravitational Wave Observatory which is better known to its friends and rela- tions as LIGO. If you think the battle between Apple and the FBI over secrets contained in the vacant eyed terrorist's iPhone is a big deal, consider LIGO's discovery of the secrets revealed in a battle between two black holes. LIGO recently confirmed Einstein's general theory of relativity by listening to a chirp created by gravitational waves in the space time continuum. The existence of gravitational waves was the last part of Einstein's theory which remained to be proved. If Einstein was alive today, after he stopped beating on the lid of his coffin and yelling "Let me out of here!" he would be one happy dude. Big Al predicted that space and time are wrapped up in each other like politicians and money. He predicted black holes would pock-mark the universe. He was right. A black hole is a dent in the cosmos where anorexic stars shrink down to such a dense ball of gravity that not even light can escape. Imagine Chris Christie's weight in a raisin. Black holes are so heavy they distort time and space. Ponder Chris Christie sleeping on a Serta Perfect Sleeper mattress at the far edge of the universe. In our example, Chris is a black hole and the mattress is time and space. When Chris rolls over in the middle of the night to adjust his CPAP, the mattress sags in a new location crushing it into a different shape. A black hole's gravitational pull squashes time and space into new shapes. Time speeds up and slows down due to the black hole's rest- less leg syndrome. The magic of the black hole's mass produces what Mr. Science calls gravitational waves. Consider LIGO's two black holes. Black Hole Taylor is 29 times more massive than our Sun. Kanye is 36 times more massive than ol' Sol. LIGO sports 2.5 mile long anten- nas more sensitive than Donald Trump to insults. LIGO uses lasers to measure move- ments of a proton struck by gravitational waves. LIGO theory holds that gravitational waves hitting our lonesome proton will make a sound like a chirp. Chirp happened on Sept. 14. Like the proverbial fat lady, the proton sang. Kanye and Taylor were rotating around each other at 250 times a second and closing on each other at half the speed of light. They whacked into each other creating one really big black hole 62 times the mass of our sun. The collision changed the mass of three of our suns into pure energy, which shot out across the universe in gravitational waves causing the proton to chirp at LIGO. The astrophysicists are happy as celestial clams about this interstellar chirp. There are black holes in the Presidential race as well. Call them Hillary and Donald. Donald has sucked all the public- ity and votes on the Republican side into his campaign. Not even Jeb's $100 million low-energy campaign could escape Trump's gravitational force. The other would-be Republican candidates are being swallowed up by Donald's black hole never to be heard from again. It remains to be seen if the Pope also collapses into the Donald's black hole. Hillary is swallowing Bernie, who will burn out shortly after Super Tuesday. Then the Royal Rumpus will really begin in the gen- eral election as Hillary and The Donald begin orbiting each other with negative TV commercials 250 times a second. The chirp from LIGO's back holes will sound like a whisper compared to the screech of colliding political black holes in our Thunderdome general election cam- paign between Hillary and The Donald. Election advertising in Campaign 2016 may not be the music of the spheres but it will be loud, prolonged and highly entertaining if you are fond of demolition derbies. Ponder George Bernard Shaw's political advice, "Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it." Trump versus Hillary. They both are going to get dirty and they both like it. Relatively speaking, it's gonna be a mud rasslin' match for the ages. I can hardly wait. The fact that one of them is going to be our next President is just gravy on the cake. Let the mud times roll! Relatively Speaking by PITT DICKEY OPINION PITT DICKEY. Columnist. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. 910.484.6200. A black hole is a dent in the cosmos where an- orexic stars shrink down to such a dense ball of gravity that not even light can escape. Make the SMART choice for your education! Make the SMART choice for your education! NOT TOO LATE TO REGISTER! for Spring II 8 - Week Classes Classes begin March 10 and April 4! FTCC offers over 200 programs of study to choose from leading to the award of associate degree, certificate, or diploma! Learn more at www.faytechcc.edu/academics. Earn your degree and quickly begin your career, or transfer your 2-year degree to a 4-year college and save money on tuition as you continue your education! Fayetteville Campus - (910) 678-8400 (home of the All American Veterans' Center) Spring Lake Campus - (910) 678-1000 Fort Bragg Campus - (910) 678-1050