Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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OCTOBER 26 - NOVEMBER 1, 2016 UCW 7 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Today we are going to a place that not even our old pal Sigmund Freud was able to cipher. Siggy's famous quote was, "What does a woman want?" This issue has been a mystery to men since the first Neanderthal dated the first Neanderthalette many blue moons ago. As we are aware, an election is coming up in the near future. We have the opportunity to "Make America Great Again" if we just vote for the right candidate. I pondered what making America great might mean. I think it involves going back to the 1950s when men were men and women knew their place, which was in the kitchen. What better place to learn what it will be like when America is great again than to review print ads from 1950s magazines? Through the wonders of the internet everything old is new again. The women in the ads are ecstatic about getting new house hold appliances and cleaning products. The men all seemed smug and happy that the Little Woman was engaged in making his life easier. Let us examine what the 1950s woman wanted, which the 2016 woman will desire once America is great again. It all sounded pretty good to me. Let us consider some of the ads. According to the ads, women in the 1950s all craved kitchen appliances, canning equipment, fresh breath courtesy of gum and Listerine, clean floors, reassurance when they burned dinner and the love of a husband who appreciated thrifty shopping. The Stanley furniture and floor cleaner ad shows a husband standing proudly behind his apron-wearing wife, who is standing triumphantly in front of her cleaning closet that shows nine different Stanley cleaning products and an assortment of mops and brooms. The caption says "Why husbands love wives to shop at Stanley Hostess parties." Cleanliness is next to impossible. Bon Ami, the speedy cleanser, shows a husband wearing a coat and tie sitting in the breakfast nook looking admiringly at his wife standing over the sink with a dish towel. It has a bit of dialogue: "Mr: You certainly clean up fast these days!" Mrs: "These days I'm using a fast cleanser — one that doesn't leave dirt- catching scratches! It leaves sinks satin-smooth and has no hand-roughening grit." Marital bliss ensues. Schlitz has a touching ad with an apron-wearing wife (notice a dress code?) crying in front of a smoking pan where she has burned supper again. Husband, wearing a coat and tie, comforts her by pointing toward the kitchen table where two bottles of Schlitz stand and says, "Anyway, you didn't burn the Schiltz." What a guy. Hoover has the perfect Christmas gift suggestion for Wifey — a Hoover vacuum cleaner. The Little Woman is lying on the floor with a look of deep satisfaction while caressing the bow bedecked Hoover. The copy says, "Christmas morning she'll be happier with a Hoover (and forever after)." There is a P.S. to Husbands that says "She cares about her home, you know, so if you really care about her ... wouldn't it be a good idea to consider a Hoover for Christmas?" The Kenwood Chef ad stars a husband and wife staring happily at a food processor. Wifey is wearing a chef 's hat with a vacant smile that could glaze a ham. The copy says, "The Chef does everything but cook — that's what wives are for!" The Fowlers Vacola Bottling Outfit fulfills all of a wife's home canning secret desires she was too shy to mention. The happy couple stand in front of a giant metal pot surrounded by jars of veggies that his better half has canned for his eating enjoyment. Wife is saying, "Oh darling! How lovely ... I've just longed for a Fowlers Vacola Bottling Outfit for years!" Dormeyer makes kitchen pots, pans and small appliances. Its ad has pictures of eight kitchen appliances with huge block letters at the top that said "WIVES." "Look this ad over carefully, Circle the items you want for Christmas. Show it to your husband. If he does not go to the store immediately, cry a little. Not a lot. Just a little. He'll go. He'll go." Subtle. Get the soul-satisfying kitchen appliances your heart desires by manipulating hubby by the power of your tear ducts. So if you're voting for you-know-who and you have a little woman at home, here's the answer to your Christmas present buying needs. In the brave new world of American greatness again, all women really want are kitchen appliances. I take no responsibility in the event that her reaction to these gift suggestions does not turn out as expected. PITT DICKEY. Columnist. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. 910.484.6200. Advertising to Grow Your Business www.upandcomingweekly.com For effective advertising call 910.484.6200 today! OPINION How to Understand Women by PITT DICKEY