Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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SEPTEMBER 24-30, 2014 UCW 7 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Chicken Salad Days by PITT DICKEY I have seen the future and it's filled with magic chickens. Apparently, if you stir chicken poop long enough it turns into chicken salad. I attended the recent Chamber of Commerce's Dog and Chicken Show at the Crown. I wondered what snake oil the chamber would use to sell us locals on why the chicken slaughter house is an economic and ecological delight. No opponents of the plant could speak. Their invitations were lost in the mail. Each speaker loved the slaughter house. The unanimity of the advocates was heartwarming. It was like a trial where only the prosecution puts on evidence. This column will be equally one sided but from the other direction. I make no pretense of being fair unlike the Chicken Show pretense. The Chicken Show reminded me of the 1980s when another company, U.S. Ecology wanted to join our little community. U.S. Ecology planned a radioactive waste incinerator near Tar Heel. They sent in a similar line- up of state officials and Company Men to present a series of one-sided "informational meetings" to tell us that living downwind from radioactive waste ash would be good for us. They even rented some local citizens to be their friends to extol the virtues of better living through radioactivity. They used the same terminology the Chicken Company Man used, explaining what they were going to be doing was "state of the art." State of the art can means something new we are trying that hasn't broken yet. Would you enjoy living downwind from a 1980s state-of -the-art radioactive waste incinerator? In 2044 will Cumberland County enjoy living with a slaughter house using 30-year-old technology? There is more than one way to skin a cat, but how many ways are there to kill a chicken? The Company Man was good in the sense that snake oil salesmen are good. His feathers were unruffled by some pointed questions and audible sounds of disbelief coming from the crowd. It reminded me of the cigarette lobbyist character in the movie, Thank You for Smoking. Nothing bothered him. The guy is really good, slick even. Apparently we are barely going to notice a million chickens a week going to Poultry Valhalla in Cedar Creek. Here are some of the colorful things he revealed. Our chicken plant will hire over 1,000 employees with a turnover rate of only 40 percent a year. There will be no feathers on the roads. The chicken plant will not stink. The processed chicken poop spread on the fields will not smell. The poop will remain in place on the fields. Torrential rain will not move it. Water will not run downhill. The Cape Fear River will remain untouched by the excrement of a million pooping chickens a week. To misquote another famous snake oil salesman, Chairman Mao, "Let a million blue- green algae bloom, let only one school of thought contend." In producers of harmless fecal coliform bacteria we trust. I am the Chicken Plant. Hear me roar! Listening to the Company Man relate the wonders of his magic chickens, I recalled the comic strip Little Abner which starred the Schmoo. The Schmoo was the perfect critter. Schmoos were very much like the chickens who will be sharing our land, air and water once the chicken plant hatches. Schmoos reproduce constantly and don't need food. They live on air. They tasted great. If someone looked at them hungrily they die of delight. Fry them and they taste like chicken. Broil them and they taste like steak. Roasted they are pork. They laid eggs already in cartoons. They gave milk in bottles. Boneless, they had no waste. Their eyes make dandy buttons. In short, the Schmoos were almost as perfect as the million magic chickens the Company Man described. Some local folk still oppose the chicken plant. They don't believe in feather free, sweet smelling, magic chickens. They cling to the archaic belief that water runs downhill instead of staying on the fields where the chicken poop will be sprayed. Some may even vote against our elected leaders who believe chickens are Schmoos. If you are one of the red-shirt wearing folks who think a million dead chickens a week might adversely impact your life despite the assurances of the Company Man, let your governmental betters know your thoughts. Pressure the city council and the county commissioners. As Yogi Berra once said, "It ain't over till it's over." There is no radioactive waste incinerator in Tar Heel. We were willing to fight one day longer than the company was. US Ecology went away. The Chicken Plant will go away too if you fight them one day longer than they are willing to fight you. PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. 910.484.6200. The only thing missing is You! Book Your Holiday Party gatesfour.com • 425-6667 x235 Not everyone thinks a chicken plant in Fayetteville is a good idea.