Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/653613
6 MARCH 16-22, 2016 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Have you been feeling a bit down lately? Got them cosmic quadrennial pre-election blues? Has your favorite basketball team busted your bracket in the NCAA annual gambling fest? Cheer up, Biff. Hordes of people are worse off than you. Would you feel better if someone more famous than you was unhappy? Of course you would. What's more fun than seeing some famous dude perp walking after getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar? Here is your prose dose of Prozac Schadenfreude. Today we will wallow in the problems of some characters who ran afoul of Greek Gods. Let us begin with our old pal Prometheus. Meaty, as he was known to his homies, created mankind. Back in mythological days, there were two gangs, the Titans, and the Olympians. They got along with each other as well as Republicans and Democrats. Meaty was a Titan. Zeus was an Olympian. Think Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. After creating people, Meaty realized they were cold from eating raw food because they didn't have fire. Meaty sneaked onto Mount Olympus and stole fire to give to mankind. This began the culinary pathway leading to the creation of the food of the gods, eastern North Carolina barbecue. Zeus did not take kindly to Meaty stealing fire to give to mere mortals. Zeus outranked Prometheus and ordered up an eternal punishment. Meaty was sentenced to be chained to a rock. Every day an eagle would fly down and rip open Meaty's chest to eat his liver. Double plus ungood. Meaty's liver grew back each night. The next day the eagle flew back for another meal of delicious Meaty liver pudding.' Next, let us ponder the strange case of Arachne. Arachne was the greatest weaver in Greece. But pride goeth before a fall. Arachne bragged to everyone that not only was she the best weaver in the world but that she was even a better weaver than Athena. Athena was the goddess of war, wisdom and weaving. Athena and Arachne had a weave=off to see who was best. Arachne won the contest but wove a tapestry that made the gods look silly. Never, ever mess with the ladies of the altar guild or a Greek goddess. Athena got angry. She poked Arachne's head to make Arachne feel guilty for making fun of the gods. Consumed by shame, Arachne promptly hung herself. Athena brought Arachne back to life but reincarnated her as a spider so she would be con- demned to eat bugs and weave until the end of time. If you have arachnophobia you are afraid of spiders. Finally, consider the plight of Sisyphus the patron saint of hopeless efforts. According to one version of his story, Sisyphus was a bad dude with all the personal charm of Ted Cruz. Sisyphus enjoyed trapping and killing travelers for sport. For a while, he got along pretty well with his drinking buddy Zeus. As drinking buddies sometimes do after a few drinks, Zeus got to bragging to Sisyphus about a cute little water nymph he was dating on the side. Sisyphus blabbed about Zeus' affair with the nymph, which eventually got back to Mrs. Zeus, who was not amused. Zeus became pretty cranky about this, Mrs. Zeus even more so. If Momma Greek goddess ain't happy, ain't nobody on Olympus gonna be happy. Zeus gave Mrs. Zeus a king's ransom of bling to smooth out his marital woes. To punish Sisyphus for causing him trouble, Zeus chained him to the bottom of a mountain. Sisyphus had to push a giant boulder up to the crest. When Sisyphus shoved his rock almost to the top of the mountain, the boulder crashed back down on him. His boulder rolled all the way to the bottom of the valley. It was, "Go directly to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect $200," Greek god style. Sisyphus had to trudge back to the bottom of the mountain and start pushing the rock up again. Near the top of the mountain, the stone would roll back down sentencing Sisyphus to eternal rock pushing. Now don't you feel better? You have never been a liver sushi puddin' buffet for an eagle, been turned into a spider to eat bugs or pushed a boulder up a mountain for eternity. Well, maybe a few of you have. But most of you are doing better than these Three Stooges of Greek mythology. As Johnny Mercer once sang: "Accentuate the positive/Eliminate the negative/Latch on to the affirmative/ And don't mess with Mr. In-Between." Let a smile be your umbrella. It Could Be Worse by PITT DICKEY OPINION No matter how bad things seem, it could always be worse PITT DICKEY. Columnist. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. 910.484.6200. Make the SMART choice for your education! Make the SMART choice for your education! NOT TOO LATE TO REGISTER! for Spring II 8 - Week Classes Classes begin April 4! FTCC offers over 200 programs of study to choose from leading to the award of associate degree, certificate, or diploma! Learn more at www.faytechcc.edu/academics. Earn your degree and quickly begin your career, or transfer your 2-year degree to a 4-year college and save money on tuition as you continue your education! Fayetteville Campus - (910) 678-8400 (home of the All American Veterans' Center) Spring Lake Campus - (910) 678-1000 Fort Bragg Campus - (910) 678-1050