Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/595884
NOVEMBER 4-10, 2015 UCW 27 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM ADVICE GODDESS The Hurt and Confused Locker I was dating a sociopathic compulsive liar for three months. I had a gut feeling that he was lying about his work, education and finances, but I had no real proof. This allowed him to manipulate me and convince me that I was crazy, insecure and paranoid. Finally, through Internet searches and contact with his ex-wife, I got proof together and confronted him. Though I dumped him, I've become super-edgy and suspicious that everyone's lying to me. I even accused a co-worker of stealing my phone. I think the stress this guy put me through probably caused PTSD. How does one move on after dating a sociopath? — Burned Ofer Zur, a psychologist who specializes in treating post-traumatic stress disorder, explains, "To meet the diagnostic criteria for PTSD, the stressor experienced must involve actual or threatened death or serious injury." What you did experience is called "gaslighting," a covert form of psychological bullying that leaves you doubting your perception of reality and, eventually, accepting the bully's distorted, self-serving version. Gaslighting is the need for outside validation that makes a person susceptible, explains psychologist Robin Stern in The Gaslight Effect. Another risk factor is an overvaluing of romantic love. To your credit, you had a strong enough self that you eventually crawled up through the romantic cloud cover and did some late-night Internet snake-hunting. Though you've given your reptile the boot, your fear of being scammed again has you going all Inspector Javert on every slightly shifty-eyed co-worker. Consider that you're reacting to the romantic con job as if it happened randomly. To stop wildly flinging suspicion around, accept responsibility: Admit that you got duped because you wanted to believe more than you wanted to see. Granted, it isn't always easy to identify the liars. Stern, however, offers good advice to avoid getting taken in by gaslighters and other pathologically inventive hustlers. Instead of debating them on whether a particular piece of information is right or wrong, focus on your feelings. Ask yourself: "Do I like being treated this way…talked to this way?" You, for example, could use this experience as a giant Post-it note reminding you to take a relationship slowly, meet a person's circle of friends, and see who they are over time — instead of immediately declaring that you've found the love of the century. If you're going to have a fairy-tale relationship, it shouldn't be because little or nothing in it exists in real life. Copyright AMY ALKON WEEKLY HOROSCOPES NEWS OF THE WEIRD by CHUCK SHEPPARD In October, a Harvard University debate team (three-time recent champions of the American Parliamentary Debate Association) lost a match to a team of prisoners from the maximum-security Eastern New York Correctional Facility. Prison debaters "are held to the exact same standards" as college debate teams, according to the director of Bard College's Prison Initiative, which coaches the inmates. Prisoners took the "pro" side of public schools having the right to turn away students whose parents had entered the U.S. illegally (though team members personally disagreed). The Bard trainers pointed out that the inmates perfected their presentation despite (or perhaps because of) the prison prohibition on Internet access. [Washington Post, 10-7-2015] Compelling Explanations A black alleged gang member, Taurus Brown, 19, under arrest in Clearwater, Fla., in September for having a marijuana cigarette casually tucked behind his ear as he talked politely to a white police officer, tried to flee on foot but was quickly taken down. Asked why he ran, Brown replied (according to the police report): "I don't like white people touching me. White people do weird stuff." [The Smoking Gun, 9-4-2015] Unclear on the Concept The Merit Systems Protection Board is (wrote The Washington Post) "a personnel court of last resort" for federal employees unfairly punished by demotion or firing — which is just what employee Timothy Korb needed when his federal agency suspended him in 2013, allegedly for revealing at a staff meeting that the agency's actual case backlog was much worse than it was letting on. Korb's employer, ironically, is the Merit Systems Protection Board, and in September 2015, an administrative law judge upheld his claim of unfairness. [Washington Post, 10-2- 2015] Philosophy professor Anna Stubblefield (Rutgers-Newark University) was convicted of aggravated sexual assault against a severely disabled man she was discovered having sex with on the floor in a locked office, but at trial in September, she testified that the man had "consent(ed)" and that the two were "in love." The victim, 34, has cerebral palsy and other ailments, wears diapers, requires assistance for nearly all activities, is intellectually disabled,and does not speak, "except for making noises," according to a brother. Stubblefield had been working with him on the controversial practice of "facilitated communication," in which a facilitator reads a patient's mind via subtleties such as eye movement and articulates the words for him. However, a jury failed to appreciate that facilitated "consent" and quickly convicted her. [NJ Advance Media via NJ.com, 9-25-2015; Inside Higher Ed, 10-5-2015] COPYRIGHT CHUCK SHEPPARD ARIES - Mar 21/Apr 20 Creativity will help you achieve much this week, but it's also important to maintain a practical outlook. These two factors combine for a greater measure of success. TAURUS - Apr 21/May 21 Romance is on your mind this week and you have to find a way to fit it prominently in your agenda, Taurus. If you have been busy lately, slow down to spend time with a loved one. GEMINI - May 22/Jun 21 Home may feel like a personal retreat after the last few weeks you have been experiencing, Gemini. If you need rest, take it. It's not a sign of slacking off. CANCER - Jun 22/Jul 22 This week you are bogged down by menial tasks and hope that something more exciting will come your way, Gemini. If you play your cards right, the weekend could be a blast. LEO - Jul 23/Aug 23 Leo, a financial boost may compel you to go on a spending spree. Just be sure you keep track of those purchases so you do not go overboard. VIRGO - Aug 24/Sept 22 Virgo, your confidence peaks this week and you take a leap of faith in a new arena. It may be a new job or a thrilling hobby. Travel is another option that may require bravery. LIBRA - Sept 23/Oct 23 Libra, mingling can bring out the best in you, so get out there this week as much as you can. Show off your people skills and converse with people from various walks of life. SCORPIO - Oct 24/Nov 22 Scorpio, this may be the best your social life has been in a long time. If you have opportunities, try moving in different social circles by joining clubs or becoming part of a volunteer group. SAGITTARIUS - Nov 23/Dec 21 Sagittarius, your desire for adventure could soon see you booking a cruise or taking a trip around the world. For now, there's plenty to keep you occupied at home and work. CAPRICORN - Dec 22/Jan 20 Capricorn, explore new avenues in your life, even if it makes you feel a little nervous to branch out. You might be surprised with what you find if you give things a try. AQUARIUS - Jan 21/Feb 18 Aquarius, research all of your options before making a big decision. Figure out the details before you make any changes that could have long-term effects. PISCES - Feb 19/Mar 20 Try to exercise more vigorously and regularly this week, Pisces. Not only is it good for your body, it's good for relieving stress. Amy Alkon Chuck Sheppard