Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: http://www.epageflip.net/i/514143
May 20-26, 2015 UCW 5 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM It's that most wonderful time of the year: Apocalypse time in America. Enjoy late spring because freedom is ending this summer and the world will end in early fall. We have a double- header of trouble right here in River City. In July, President Obama is tak- ing over Texas by military coup called Operation Jade Helm '15. The Illuminati have finally given Obi his orders to take down Texas. If Texas falls to the forces of liberalism, can Massey Hill be far behind? The U.S. Army Special Operations Command is going to have large scale military exercises in the American Southwest this summer. The cover story from the government-controlled media is that Jade Helm is a special forces operation to provide train- ing in a geographic area resembling the Middle East and Afghanistan. Conspiracy buffs have correctly fig- ured out that Obama is going to declare martial law in Texas once the U.S. Army invades. The Imperial Lizard of Right Wing Kooks, Alex Jones, and an army of conspiracy fans blogging in their mom's basements have revealed the actual mission of Jade Helm. Obama is going to overthrow the Texas state government, round up patriotic Fox viewers and chuck them into empty Wal-Mart stores so they can be re-edu- cated into mindless left-wing sheeple. They may even be vaccinated against their will. The horror. The horror. No less than Texas Governor Greg Abbott is concerned about Obama's impending Mess with Texas campaign. Governor Abbott has proudly put on his shiniest tinfoil hat and took a big swig of Internet Conspiracy Kool-Aid. He called up the Texas State Guard to keep tabs on and possibly defend Texas against the U.S. Army. Gov, Abbott announced, "During the training opera- tion, it is important for Texans to know their safety, Constitutional rights, pri- vate property rights and civil liberties will not be infringed." A battle between the 82nd Airborne Division and the Texas State Guard may be in the off- ing. Bet on the 82nd. Once Texas has been secured, it is rumored that Nancy Pelosi will be appointed Queen Regent of Texas and Barney Frank will be placed in charge of converting all Texas churches to mosques. After the loss of freedom in Texas, next up on the Apocalyptic calendar is the end of the Earth due to the giant asteroid Nibiru striking near Puerto Rico September 24. The gov- ernment is desperately trying to keep this asteroid strike secret to avoid widespread panic. The secrecy allows the Illuminati to find safe places to survive by digging bunkers, buying water wings, throwing Goofer Dust and hoarding provisions. The leader of the Asteroid Apocalypse is Rev. Efrain Rodgriguez, who after a message from God, notified NASA in 2010 that an asteroid strike was going to create tidal waves, earthquakes and generally wipeout the east coasts of North, South and Central America. Courageous basement bloggers have reported that the Federal Emergency Management Agency is buying up body bags and cof- fins to handle the carnage. Naturally, the elite who control the Federal Emergency Management Agency con- tinue to deny that a giant asteroid is coming despite all the Internet proof. In light of the impending end of the world, I am forced to rethink buying UNC season football tickets. Carolina will only have two home games before the Apocalypse: N.C. A&T and Illinois. The world ends Thursday Sept. 24, which means that Carolina's traditional rivalry game against the Delaware Blue Hens will never take place on the 26th. I really wanted to see the Blue Hen's mascot. Alas now, due to the cosmic catastrophe, I never shall see the Blue Hen. It is financially irresponsible to buy season tickets for only two games. But shouldn't we all gamely soldier on despite the upcoming disaster? Isn't this what Bruce Willis would want us to do? It's no accident these warnings of troubles are coming at the same time. Like Bobbie Gentry sang, "We got some news this morning from Choctaw Ridge: Today common sense jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge. "It was the 24th of September/Another sweaty Indian summer day/The Heels were practicing for the Blue Hens/ And the Asteroid was getting ready to slay/ Seems like nothin' ever comes to good up on Internet Ridge/ And now common sense has jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge." Treasure the spin cycle. The end is at hand. Just ask Texas and the Asteroid Nibiru. It's Not the End of the World By PITT DICKEY PITT DICKEY, Columnist COMMENTS? 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