Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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OCTOBER 8-14, 2014 UCW 23 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM ADVICE GODDESS Fasten Your Bible Belt My boyfriend and I are spending Christ- mas with his family. I like them and get along well with them. However, they're very reli- gious, and he wants me to join them in going to holiday church services. I grew up secular in a conservative town, and because of all I went through, I developed a deep distaste for religion. His family knows I'm an atheist but doesn't know the extent of my aversion to religion. I explained to my boyfriend that the idea of sitting through church and go- ing through the motions, given how I feel about religion, is downright upsetting to me. Though he's no longer religious, he doesn't share my aversion, and he insists I go out of respect for him and his family. Should I just go and grin and bear it as a favor to him? --I'm (Not) A Believer The problem started when your boy- friend decided that you just had to go and used the "respect!" argument to try to guilt you into giving in. This is low-blow, crush-the-competi- tion arguing. (What can you even counter with — "Nah, I don't want to show respect for your parents!"?) Of course, when two people partner up, there will always be disagreements. But in a relationship, winning really isn't every- thing. Behavioral economist Daniel Kahneman explains in Thinking, Fast and Slow that our instinctive emotional system is our brain's first responder — taking over long before our rational system even decides to get out of bed. So opting for a more adult approach to disagreements requires preplanning — sitting down with your partner before you're in conflict mode and making a pact to fight not to win but to understand where the other person's coming from. When you find yourselves at odds, in- stead of hammering each other with what you want, explain why you want it; lay out the emotions behind it. Focusing on each other's feelings should lead you to be moved by each other's fears or distress. This, in turn, should inspire a more com- passionate and constructive response. For this mode of conflict management to work, you have to accept that some differ- ences just can't be bridged. Still, discussing them in a way that makes you both feel respected and understood should at least leave you feeling good about each other and the relationship. In this situation, the reality is, your being a nonbeliever could ultimately be a big problem for his par- ents. But you show your respect by acting respectful to them — maybe welcoming them back from Mass with a punchbowl of your famous eggnog — not by disrespect- ing your own beliefs and going to church "just this once," which sets a bad prec- edent. If all goes well, they'll just accept your choices. Otherwise, you may have to resign yourself to spending Christmas week in bed — tied to it, while Granny and the dog assist the priest who's performing the exorcism on you. WEEKLY HOROSCOPES NEWS OF THE WEIRD by CHUCK SHEPPARD Dutch inventors Bart Jansen and Arjen Beltman struck again recently when Pepeijn Bruins, 13, called on them to help him grieve over his pet rat, Ratjetoe, who had to be put down because of cancer. Having heard of the inventors' work, Pepeijn asked if they could please have Ratjetoe stuffed and turned into a radio-controlled drone. Jansen and Beltman, who had previously created an "ostrichcopter" and are now working on a "turbo shark," created Pepeijn's rat-copter, but remain best noted for their epic taxidermied cat, "Orvillecopter," created in 2012 (which readers can view at nydn. us/1r0WmmA). [BBC News, 9-10-2014; Daily Mail (London), 9-11-2014] Updates How to Confuse an Arizonan: In August, a state appeals court overruled a lower court and decided that Thomas and Nancy Beatie could divorce, after all. The first judge had determined that their out-of-state marriage was not valid in Arizona because they were both women, but Thomas has had extensive surgery and hormone therapy and become a man -- although he is also the spouse who bore the couple's three children, since he made it a point to retain his reproductive organs. [Associated Press via KSAZ-TV (Phoenix), 8-14-2014] In August, for the 12th straight year, a group of Japanese adult-film actresses has volunteered their breasts to raise money for an AIDS-prevention charity event shown on an X-rated cable TV channel from Tokyo. The 12-hour-long "squeeze-a-thon" ("Boob Aid") sold individual fondles to men for donations of at least (the equivalent of) $9, with donors required first to spray on disinfectant. In all, 4,100 pairs of hands roamed the nine actresses. [Agence France-Presse, 8-31- 2014] Commentators have had fun with the new system of medical diagnostic codes (denominated in from four to 10 digits each) scheduled to take effect in October 2015, and the "Healthcare Dive" blog had its laughs in a July post. The codes for "problems in relationship with in-laws" and "bizarre personal appearance" are quixotic enough, but the most "absurd" codes are "subsequent encounters" (that is, at least the second time the same thing happened to a patient) for events like walking into a lamppost, or getting sucked into a jet engine, or receiving burns from on-fire water skis, or having contact with a cow beyond being bitten or kicked (since those contacts have separate codes). Also notable was S10.87XA, "Other superficial bite of other specified part of neck, initial encounter," which seems to describe a "hickey." [HealthcareDive.com, 7-15-2014] ARIES - Mar 21/Apr 20 An issue at work requires your immediate attention, Aries. This situation must be approached delicately, but don't be afraid to speak your mind and accept the results. TAURUS - Apr 21/May 21 Taurus, a busy week awaits but just take things one project at a time. Keep to yourself for a little bit in an attempt to stay focused on the numerous tasks at hand. GEMINI - May 22/Jun 21 Gemini, your positive attitude is why people have grown to rely on you in tight spots. Plant a smile on your face and others will benefit from your positive influence. CANCER - Jun 22/Jul 22 Cancer, it's hard to know when to be assertive at work. You want to appear competent and in control, but you also want to build a good rapport with coworkers. Experiment a little. LEO - Jul 23/Aug 23 Leo, give plans time to develop, but don't feel the need to hide your enthusiasm about the prospects. Trust your instincts as to when is a good time to get moving. VIRGO - Aug 24/Sept 22 Virgo, you cannot control the behavior of others, but you can change your own direction to counteract some unexpected developments. Keep an open mind. LIBRA - Sept 23/Oct 23 Don't be surprised if your schedule gets turned upside down this week, Libra. It's important to roll with the punches so others can see how flexible you can be. SCORPIO - Oct 24/Nov 22 Scorpio, an unconventional approach is your key to success this week. While others are following Plan A, go with Plan B and you may meet with great results. SAGITTARIUS - Nov 23/Dec 21 Fantasy can overtake reality if you let it, Sagittarius. You may need to rein in your hopes and dreams for a bit and focus on some more practical matters. CAPRICORN - Dec 22/Jan 20 Friends may distract you from work this week, Capricorn. Although it's not wise to let responsibilities slide completely, you can probably get away with a day of slacking off. AQUARIUS - Jan 21/Feb 18 Aquarius, the physical rewards for all your hard work will become apparent soon. You'll find that all of your efforts thus far have been well worth the sacrifices. PISCES - Feb 19/Mar 20 Pisces, although you may dream of escaping the daily grind, you may need to persevere for just a little while longer. Your respite is coming. Amy Alkon Chuck Sheppard