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TARGET Your business OUR Bullseye! Call 484-6200 Visit upandcomingweekly.com Repealing the Job-Killing Law of Gravity by PITT DICKEY Can we afford gravity? Is gravity a pre-existing condition? The Main Stream Media dunderheads claim the pending repeal of the Law of Gravity by the Republicans will have detrimental effects on the America economy. Liberals whine that if the Law of Gravity is repealed, billions of people will be spun off the Earth. Sounds scary? But is it true? Do we really need gravity? Isn’t gravity just a government welfare program dreamed up by liberal pin heads who oppose capitalism? Where in the Constitution does it say that gravity is a right of Americans who have done nothing to create this expensive force? What language in the Constitution allows the American government to impose gravity on its citizens? Would repeal of the law of Gravity under House Resolution 666 cause seven billion human beings to fl y off the earth to a frozen death in outer space? Only if you accept the original fantasy numbers from the Obama GravityCare program about the need for gravity. Gravity is a job killer. Anyone who opposes its repeal is guilty of a blood libel against the laws of physics. Ponder the job killing effects of gravity. Gravity causes machinery to wear out. If you drop a lap top computer, gravity will cause it to break. If you jump off a cliff, you’ll dash yourself into unattractive shards on the rocks below which will limit your ability to go back to work on Monday. The whole concept of gravity is a Democrat give away to people who are too lazy to fi gure out how to remain on the Earth without it. Why should people be guaranteed a life time of gravity? Gravity makes the stock market go down. Without gravity, the stock market will constantly go higher presenting more opportunity for those in the upper income brackets. The Republican Senate Anti-Gravity Caucus (SAG) offers the following analysis of why the Law of Gravity should be repealed. The repeal would lead to much lower health care costs as very few people would be left on Earth to consume expensive medical care. Fewer people means less use of expensive CAT scans, nerve ablations and expensive Cialis twin bath tubs. If we all are spun into space, won’t that interfere with the Gross National Product? No way, Jose. The SAG Caucus has a plan to keep certain productive members of society on Earth after the law of gravity is repealed. Special concrete shoes will be issued to white middle class property owning males which will allow them to remain on Earth instead of careening into space with the useless gravity consumers who are not members of country clubs. Federal spending will be greatly reduced as the only people left on Earth will have enough money of their own not to need any type of government assistance. Income Tax rates can be reduced to one per cent. There will be no need for taxes to support the military as all of our enemies, both foreign and domestic, will be hurled into the Andromeda galaxy upon the repeal of gravity. Illegal immigration will be solved when our visitors along the Mexican border are spun out into illegal space aliens. All the money we borrowed from China to fi nance our wars in Afghanistan and Iraq will not have to be repaid. The Chinese will no longer be around to collect from us. The Chinese will attempt to make their own cheaper version of cement shoes to keep their Politburo members on Earth. Fortunately the use of the cheap ingredients in Chinese concrete shoes will backfi re when President Hu of China and his fellow citizens fi nd themselves somewhere over the rainbow once the SAG plan is enacted. The Congressional Budget Offi ce which generated the smoke and mirror numbers about the cost of repealing the law of gravity will be launched into the Great Beyond taking their stupid numbers with them. As a corollary to repealing the law of gravity, SAG is proposing a repeal of the laws of mathematics so that the CBO’s goofy numbers can be ignored. The Republicans’ plan to privatize gravity is an example of the how the free market will insure that the richest and most deserving remain on Earth. The lame excuses offered by the liberal defenders of Obama’s GravityCare for free gravity for everyone are mere sophistry. The Lame streamers keep harping on the same old bumper sticker slogan that gravity is not just a good idea, it’s the law. Urge your Congressperson to vote to repeal the law of gravity. America’s future depends on you. PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomingweekly.com. 8 UCW JAN. 26 - FEB. 1, 2011 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM