Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/17716
Love and Kisses at Election Time by PITT DICKEY This is the most wonderful time of year. I do not speak of the Fall weather that has fi nally chased away the triple digit delights of summer. I do not even speak of the return of Survivor with three contestants from North Carolina or even of Dancing with the Stars starring Sarah Palin as an non-dancer. Nope. I speak of the wonder that is the election process in America. That rancid smell that fl oats from your TV, radio and mailbox is Democracy in action. If George Washington was alive today, he’d be pounding on his coffi n lid yelling “Get me out of here!” But I digress, neither George Washington, Ronald Reagan or Tony Curtis are coming back. Everyday I rush home from work to go to my mail box to learn what swell things a couple of our local can- didates are saying about each other. You can feel the love emanating from the mailbox as you walk up to see what the oversized postcards will say about their opponent. My opponent is the Anti-Christ. My opponent drowns puppies. My opponent once spit upon an apple pie. My opponent not only hires illegal aliens but imports them by UPS. My opponent is worse than having to drink a cup of cold pork gravy. My opponent is actually the Creature from the Black Lagoon. You get the picture. Naturally I love the slime the politicians fl ing on each other. I used to like WWF rassling on TV when my sons were little. The fussing and cussing the rasslers used to smack down on each other are a ladies’ high tea compared to our local politicians slime fest. It’s great. There is no level of insult too low for them to hurl at their opponent. I’ve always liked horror movies until they became slasher/chain saw movies. Noth- ing better than a herd giant radioactive ants spewing from the sewers of Los Angeles to liven up a Saturday afternoon. Radiation caused a lot of good critters to go bad in the movies back in the middle of the last century. Maybe our current politicians have been exposed to a blast of radioactivity. The radiation removed from their psyches the rule that their Moms told them that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. The thin candy shell of non-election year civility normally covering our public servants has melted away like the snows of yesteryear. Highly paid political consultants have convinced our would-be public servants that the only way to get elected is to empty a sea of porta-potties on their opponent’s reputation. As a free public service I would like to offer the following smears to the worthies who are seeking to convince the public that their opponent will end the world as we know it if elected. It is quite easy to steal tag lines from horror movies and plug them right into our election cycle. See if you can fi gure out from which movies these election slogans slithered. “If my opponent doesn’t make your skin crawl ... It’s on too tight.” “When there is no more room in Hell, my opponent will walk the Earth.” “There’s only one thing wrong with my opponent: he’s alive.” “If my opponent is elected, no one will hear you scream.” “If my opponent doesn’t scare you, you’re already dead.”“My opponent is not human, and she’s got an ax!” “Please do not disturb my opponent, he already is.” “My opponent has a very good head on his shoulders ... and another one in a dish on his desk.” “Be afraid of my opponent, be very afraid.” “My opponent will tear your soul apart.” “My opponent says you have the right to remain silent. Forever.” “My opponent is trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.” “If you elect my opponent, you must admit, you brought this on yourself.” “Don’t elect my opponent who is a shock-crammed punch packed double thriller-chiller terror candidate.” “My opponent is a hideous beast who belongs to a cannibal cult.” “Commies made my opponent an atomic mutant.” “My opponent will sliver your liver.” “Can 16th century magic save America that is terrorized by my opponent?” “My opponent cuts up parts that other psychopaths just dislocate.” My favorite horror movie political smear comes from 1994’s big hit, Shatter Dead, “God hates my opponent.” Vote early and often. You’ll be glad you did. PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomingweekly.com. PWF SILENT Professional Women of Fayetteville Est. 1982 Theresa Sareo Inspired by a requested visit to Walter Reed Army Hospital by retired NYC Fire Capt. John Vi- giano, Theresa Sareo wrote the song “Through A Soldier’s Eyes.” It has since made its way across the globe as the heartfelt anthem honoring wounded Soldiers and their families who make the ulti- mate sacri ces for our country. The MC for the evening is Bill Bowman. TICKETS ARE $15 AT THE DOOR! 6 UCW OCTOBER 13-19, 2010 EVENT October 15, 2010 5:30 p.m. It’z Entertainment City Legend Road With Live Entertainment and Games! WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM The Professional Women of Fayetteville invite you to our annual