Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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A Series of Unfortunate Events by PITT DICKEY You can never have too many signs of the coming apocalypse. A truck load of Speaking of well kept food secrets, who among you knew that our pale, polite partners flaming cheese blocks a tunnel in Norway. Thieves steal 6 million gallons of maple to the north, our Canadian brothers have been operating a secret maple-syrup cartel right syrup in Quebec. What in the name of all that is gooey and sweet is going on here? above our very noses in Quebec? The Canadians have cornered the maple syrup market If our cheese and maple syrup products are not safe, what culinary consumable is through a cartel-like OPEC called the Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers. going to come under assault next? Are frozen waffles destined for the list of dietetic The FPAQ is hoarding maple syrup in something called the "strategic maple-syrup disasters? What hideous cheesy puns will flow from the cheese conflagration? reserve" where they store maple syrup to dole out at prices they like to the sweet-deprived Inquiring minds want to know. hungry masses of Americans yearning to deck their pancakes with wads Consider the tragic case of a truckload of flaming Brunost cheese. of maple syrup. Is there also a tactical maple syrup reserve somewhere Twenty-seven metric tons of Brunost cheese, like the proverbial little in the Yukon? We would never have known about the "strategic maplepiggies, were on their way to market in Narvik, Norway in January. syrup reserve" except that it was a victim of syrup rustlers who somehow Norway in January is bad enough, but flaming cheese in January managed to steal more than 6 million gallons of maple syrup in a boggles the imagination. Brunost is a tasty brown cheese made from 12-month period. 6 million gallons of maple syrup amounts to about $18 whey. You probably have not thought about whey since you were million worth of sweet cash. Who could imagine there were Canadian 5 years old. Whey typically doesn't come up much in conversation Sugar Daddies? nowadays. More's the pity that we don't spend more time thinking When the Canadian syrup auditors started checking on the about whey instead of pondering the curious thoughts of Wayne warehouse where the FPAQ stored its syrup in Quebec they realized LaPierre of the NRA. Whey is way cooler than semi-automatic that 6 million gallons of syrup had gone missing. Mon Dieu! Ou est la weapons. Many of you may not even remember what whey is. But Tante Jemima? How do you hide 6 million gallons of syrup? Did they where there is a will, there is a whey. Today's column will help you take it one bottle at a time the way Johnny Cash got his Cadillac from recall the whey things were. Whey is what Little Miss Muffet was dining GM in his famous song? It was a politically sticky situation for the upon with her bowl of curds when along came a spider and sat down syrup police. Couldn't they just follow the sticky trail from the cartel's beside her and frightened Miss Muffet away. Whether the spider ate warehouse to syrup thieves' hideout? Should they report the syrup Did the spider eat Miss Muffet's the rest of Ms. Muffet's curds and whey is lost to history. missing? Reporting the theft would alert the public to be on the look whey after she left? Whey is about 30 percent fat. As a result of its high fat content, out for 6-million gallons of contraband syrup which might lead to whey burns like a an acetylene torch once ignited. On an unrelated note, Ms. Muffet subsequently developed atherosclerotic heart disease as a result of her steady diet of curds and whey. For reasons unknown, the truck load of Brunost cheese caught fire in the tunnel near Narvick and burned for three days. The investigating police officer, Kjell Bjoern Vingje was quoted by Reuters as saying, "I didn't know that brown cheese burns so well." Officer Vingje spoke for all Earthlings when he said those words. If it was Gouda enough for Officer Vingje, then its Gouda enough for me. The combustible quality of brown cheese is no longer one of Norway's best kept secrets. arrests and recovery of the syrup. On the downside, reporting the theft would let the syrup covered cat out of the bag that there was a secret syrup cartel price fixing in Canada. What to do? The Syrup Cartel fessed up and announced the theft. Syrup rustlers were arrested. Stolen Canadian maple PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer. syrup is probably being sold in New COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomEngland. Sweet dreams. ingweekly.com. Serving Fayetteville & Surrounding Areas for Over 25 years... has 2 announcements for 2013 NEW PHYSICIAN Duy Lam, O.D. Now a c new pa cepting tien all age ts of s. 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