Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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6 UCW JANUARY 4-10, 2017 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM OPINION PITT DICKEY. Columnist. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. 910.484.6200. "Under the spreading chestnut tree I sold you and you sold me" - George Orwell, 1984 Hey, kid! You want to buy the right to give your genetic information to giant corporations which can then resell your DNA information to pharmaceutical companies, insurance conglomerates, and the National Security Agency? Why not? This sounds great to me. Where do I sign up? The happy peppy ads for genetic wholesalers are unavoidable. Spit into a bag, send $99 to them and you will get back a prettily formatted DNA report. They will get to put you into a giant database to sell to who knows whom. What could possibly go wrong with a deal like that? The business plan is great. They get you to pay them to figure out your DNA. They keep your genetic information and sell your DNA information to the highest bidder. They ought to pay you for your DNA. It's like furniture stores selling dining room suites on time. The furniture store makes more money off the interest you pay than from the sale of the furniture. The Genetic Wholesalers are going to make a lot more money selling your DNA identity to the secondary market than it will from the $99 it charges you to sell your genetic identity to them. The price of genetic testing keeps dropping. Market share is the goal. It dawned on the corporate wizards there was more money to be made in selling its customers' genetic information than in selling the rubes information about whether they were related to Neanderthals. Their test will tell you which haplogroup that your dear old mom and dad belonged to. I had no idea what a haplogroup was until I went to the company's web site. A haplogroup is a fancy term used to con rubes out of their DNA. You get to find out if you are 23 percent Finnish. They get to sell your genetic makeup on the open market. Seems a fair trade. Ponder the Republicans' upcoming repeal of Obamacare. The great big beautiful wall that The Donald promised to build is not going to be along the Mexican border. The great big beautiful wall is going to be pre-existing medical conditions that will let big insurance refuse to sell you insurance. Got a touch of the cancer or the diabetes? Too bad. As the Soup Nazi would say, "No insurance for you." Think that the pre-existing condition Great Wall of Trump is going to be tough on sick human beings, even those with Neanderthal genes? You ain't seen nuthin' yet. Wait until you see the wonderful world of pre-pre-existing conditions. Big Insurance is going to buy your DNA report to see if you are a good risk for buying health insurance. You are not sick now. You are a responsible human being with only a few Neanderthal genes. You know you will need medical insurance at some point. You have no visible pre-existing condition. In the old days before pre-pre-existing conditions, Big Insurance would sell you a policy. But in the brave new world of genetic identity sellathons, your DNA report says you are predisposed to cancer or fungus-infected hangnails. No insurance for you because you might need it down the road. We are talking major profits for insurance companies. Your DNA lets Big Insurance weed you out of the gene pool. The Death Panels turn out once again to be insurance underwriters. If your genetic report says you are predisposed to getting some dire expensive disease, Big Insurance ain't gonna sell you insurance now. Imagine the happiness of Big Insurance's actuaries as they sort out DNA reports which allow them to approve the sale of insurance to only that happy band of brothers and sisters who do not have pre-pre-existing conditions. The thought of happy insurance actuaries is almost as nauseating as the thought of happy Dook fans after Grayson Allen executed another Timothy Leary inspired trip. What's the moral of this story? Sell your genetic identity for a mess of cocktail party chatter. It will only cost you $99 now and a world of hurt later. Our Biblical friend Esau sold his birthright for a mess of pottage and ended up in a mess. If your Pre-Pre-Existing genetic conditions keep you from getting health insurance, what of it? You can always go the Marie Antoinette Insurance Company whose motto is: "The sick have no insurance? Let them eat cake or go to the Emergency Room." The DNA you sell is your own until you spit into the bag. Then like Abraham Lincoln you and your DNA will belong to the ages and the highest bidder. Esau and Big Brother by PITT DICKEY Genetic testing is not the bargain it may seem. Vendor and On-Site Sponsor Opportunities available for this Exclusive Event! 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