Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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6 OCTOBER 22 -28, 2014 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Got Them Cosmic Carolina Football Blues BY PITT DICKEY You might be a Buddhist if you are a fan of Tar Heel football. What is so rare as a Tar Heel football win in October? Perhaps a sighting of North Korea's Beloved Pungent Leader, Kim Jung Un, hiking the Appalachian Trail? Positive approval ratings for President Obama? Nancy Pelosi and Ted Cruz caught in a bawdy romp at the No Tell Motel? Any of these events are much more likely than gridiron glory for the Heels. To be a Tar Heel football fan is to experience the four Noble Truths of Buddhism: suffering, cause of suffering, cessation of suffering and following the path to the cessation of suffering. Let us examine the relationship between the frustration of Carolina football fans and Buddhism. The first Noble Truth is life is suffering or dukkha. To be a Tar Heel football fan is to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. The theological wizards at Wikipedia reveal that in Buddhism and Tar Heel Football suffering has three main aspects. Each aspect below is lifted almost verbatim from Wikipedia. If something is on the Internet, you know it is true. Aspect One: "Physical and mental suffering related to getting older and dying." At the beginning of each football season, before the first game, the Tar Heels are young, undefeated and full of hope for the future. As the football season wears on, the Heels suffer injuries, lose games they should have won and get investigated by the NCAA. By the end of the season, our bowl hopes, if not dead, are on a ventilator and life support. Aspect Two: "The anxiety and stress of trying to hold on to things that are constantly changing." The Tar Heels tend to commit penalties that change the nature of each game allowing the Heels to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Our ability to tackle opposing runners varies inversely with the speed of the opponent. The faster the runner, the less likely we are to tackle him. Our defense cannot stop our opponent's offense. Our best defensive play is a holding penalty. Aspect Three: "A basic unsatisfactoriness pervading all forms of existence, as all forms of life are constantly changing, impermanent and without an inner core or substance." UNC has a rotation of revolving football coaches, each vowing to bring us to the promised land of football major bowl land. It never works. Our coaches are constantly changing. Each coach leaving with a hefty severance package before their contracts expire. Our fans feel like Charlie Brown after Lucy has once again yanked away the football. The second Noble Truth is the origin of suffering, which comes from "craving conditioned by ignorance." That phrase succinctly describes a UNC football fan or a News & Observer sports writer. Dukkha is sometimes defined as the "ignorance of the true nature of things." The Carolina football fan thinks UNC can be a football power. The News &Observer sports writer thinks he is unbiased. The true nature of things is that Carolina will never be a football power. We are a basketball school. That is the true nature of things. The third Noble Truth is that it is possible to have a cessation of suffering. There is hope for the forlorn UNC football fan. His football related suffering does not have to last forever. This is good news for modern fans. The fourth Noble Truth is that to end suffering, one need only follow the correct path and suffering will end. The path to ending our gridiron suffering has recently been laid out by the UNC Educational Foundation, alias the Rams Club. The answer to ending UNC's gridiron suffering is simple — more money equals winning football. The more bucks you pony up, the closer to Blue Heaven you sit. Money buys happiness — or at least a better seat to watch the Heels lose football games. The Rams Club just came out with an increase in its annual dues to buy tickets to UNC sporting events. Like Dante's different levels of Hell, membership in the Rams club goes from the lowest reaches of Hell at the pitiful Regular Ram level of $200, to Rameses from $500 to $600, Big Ram from $1000 to $1200, Big Ram Plus from $1750 to $2000, Super Ram from $2500 to $3000 and the truly enlightened Coach's Circle from $5000 to $6000. Each Rams Club membership level comes with a free condom of increasing size suitable for stuffing with money or blather about student athletes. As Andy Griffith once said, "What it was, was football." The author of this column is a recovering die hard Carolina fan. No Rams were harmed in the writing of this column. PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. 910.484.6200. The Rams Club knows how to make Carolina a football force: Throw more money at it. FTCC CONTINUING EDUCATION DEPARTMENT The Winter 2015 Class Schedule will be available October 30! To obtain a copy: • Visit www.faytechcc.edu/continuing_education (Class Schedules), • Come by the 2201 Hull Road campus on or after Oct. 30 to pick up a schedule, OR • Purchase a newspaper on Oct. 30 and receive our schedule inside! Registration begins November 3 (910) 678-8386 www.faytechcc.edu/continuing_education