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6 JULY 2-8, 2014 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Dick Cheney Glazed and Confused by PITT DICKEY I had an unsettling revelation recently. I come from a long line of chronically deceased relatives. All of my ancestors are dead. I am now at the head of the line for the next generation to be summoned to the Event Horizon. Gentle Reader, where are you, generationally speaking, on the stairway to the Other Side? Don't be too smug about my position at the dark at the top of the stairs. I am not alone on the escalator into the void. How many of your ancestors are deceased? I would be willing to bet a dollar to a glazed donut that most of your ancestors have crossed the Great Divide. Do you know the first name of your great grandfather? How he met your great grandmother? Will your great grandchildren know your first name? What are we to make of slipping off this mortal coil? Where have you been? I have spent my entire life going from place to place. If you think about it for a while, you probably have spent your life going from place to place. For most people, most of the time, the places in their daily lives weren't that far apart. On occasion, the places will be quite distant from each other. But whereever you go, there you are. There is a pretty good chance you will end up back where you started at some point. Can you say hamster in a cage? > To quote an old song, "What's it all about, Alfie?" What if it turns out the "Hokey Pokey" is what it is all about. If all we are here to do is to put our left foot in, and take our left foot out, and shake it all about, that seems fruitlessly terpsichorean. Consider a conversation that allegedly took place back in the 1950s between Walter Reuther, the president of the United Auto Workers' Union and a Ford executive. The Ford executive was showing Walter around a new automated Ford factory. The executive, pointing to the machinery, smugly asked Walter, "How are you going to collect union dues from these guys?" Walter replied " How are you going to get them to buy Fords?" As the King of Siam once said to Anna, "It is a puzzlement." This column's train of thought has been riding on some grim railroad tracks. Enough. Fire up the old Flux Capacitor. Let's lighten the mood by renewing our old acquaintance with the ever bubbly, laugh riot and Prince of Comedy, my favorite Vice President and yours, Dick Cheney. Dick spends most of his time hibernating in his opaque Kevlar Anger Bubble deep under a Wyoming mountain guarding his resentments like Smaug guarding his gold. Occasionally, Dick rises from the depths like Godzilla to issue pronouncements. Just last week, Dick rose again from the politically dead with his lovely daughter Maleficent to fling televised verbal poo at President Obama over the rising tide of mess sweeping over Iraq, courtesy of ISIS, the Sunni terrorists du jour. I enjoy hearing from Dick as he is always filled with sunlight, flowers and unbridled optimism. If anyone knows about how to screw up the Middle East, Cheney, like Nixon, is the one. I loved Cheney's quote about Iraq with the punch line attacking President Obi: "Rarely has a U.S. President been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many." Even an Angry Blonde on Fox suggested to Cheney that he was talking about the Bush Administration. But like Godzilla, Cheney's lack of self awareness is fun to watch. Cheney has more goofy opinions than the IRS has goofy excuses why its emails vanished into the ether. I hope Dick's artificial heart keeps him going for many years so he can keep sharing his comical opinions. President Obi announced he will send Special Forces "advisers" back to Iraq to help government Shiites smite ISIS Sunnis. President Kennedy said the same thing about sending Special Forces to Vietnam. Remember the last helicopter on top of the American embassy in Saigon carrying away people as the Viet Cong entered the grounds? Going back to Iraq with troops couldn't possibly end up with another final helicopter on top of the American Embassy in Baghdad. After all, what could possibly go wrong with choosing up sides in a religious war in Iraq that has been going on for the last 1,400 years? Perhaps the political theory that the enemy of my enemy is my friend ain't correct. Maybe sometimes the enemy of my enemy is still my enemy. Or in Dick Cheney's case, as Pogo said, "We have met the enemy and he is us." The only thing missing is You! Whether you are a golfer, swimmer, tennis player, or enjoy dining. Gates Four Golf and Country Club has a membership for you and your family. For more information call 910.425.6667 or visit us at www.gatesfour.com PITT DICKEY, Attorney, Contribut- ing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@ upandcomingweekly.com.