Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/99540
So Long, It's Been Good To Know Ye by PITT DICKEY If you can read this, the end of the world is too close. Hope you have gotten Her 15 minutes of fame ended for Florida socialite and General Officer Groupie your Christmas shopping done. Man and Womankind are checking out on the Jill Kelly who was a star of the Generals Behaving Badly affair. The Republic of Mayan Apocalypse on Friday the 21st of December. This date, coincidentally, is South Korea stripped her of her title of Honorary Consul due to alleged influence the winter solstice. The days get longer after the solstice, but after the end of the peddling and her invocation of inviobility to get reporters off her lawn. I bet you world comes, longer days will be meaningless. Will we be missed? Probably not. can't even remember which general she was involved with despite her moment of The Mayan Lord of the Apocalypse Bolon Yokte K'uh is fleeting national famiousity. coming to town and boy is he is cranky. Try to look busy. Edward Archibold, another exemplary citizen of the The words printed on your car's side view mirror, "Objects state of Florida, died after winning a live cockroach eating in the mirror are closer than they appear" are actually a contest. Ed ate the most roaches. He would have won a live Mayan prophecy that mutated into a federal automotive safety python if he had survived. Ed's autopsy revealed he had warning. Who says the Feds don't care about us? choked to death on roach parts. There are many ways to go We have had ample warnings of the Apocalypse. In just one to the other side. Choking to death on roach parts is not the day in November, the local paper had more portents of the best way out. Ed would have done better just to have waited coming Apocalypse than at which you can shake Quetzalcoatl for the Apocalypse and left with the rest of us, even if it the feathered serpent. Consider that day's news events as meant he didn't win the python. a whole rather than just isolated incidents. There are no Ron Post, Ohio's fattest inmate on Death Row, filed coincidences. The convergence of all of these events in one an appeal to prevent his execution on the grounds that daily newspaper edition is as clear a portent of the Apocalypse at 480 pounds he is too fat to execute. He contends his as any goat entrails could prophesy. executioners would not be able to find his veins to inject the Mayan calendar What happened on that fateful day which turned out to be lethal goo used to kill inmates. Ron's executioners would news fit to print? The cleaning fairy got into trouble with the have to inject the lethal mix into his muscles instead of law. A lady with a cleaning fetish broke into a stranger's house, cleaned, dusted, his veins buried deep in his fat. Lethal injections into muscles allegedly risks vacuumed, washed dishes and left a bill for $75 for her services with her address causing more pain than vein injections. Unfortunately we have no proof of this and telephone number. The homeowners were ungrateful for her cheerful service. theory. No death row inmates have come back from the grave to discuss if the The police arrested the cleaning fairy. A judge who did not share her enthusiasm vein versus muscle injection controversy is just a tempest in a syringe. for cleanliness put her on probation. There is no way all of these colorful events could have Semi- Patriotic citizens of the U.S. wanted to secede from the land of the converged at one time unless the Great and Powerful Bolon Yokte Grand Old Flag. Thousands of sore losers are signing petitions at the White K'uh willed it to be so to warn us of the end times. As this will House website to high tail it out of the USA because they didn't like Obi getting be my last column due to the Mayan PITT DICKEY, Columnist. re-elected. It is unclear whether the results of the Civil War actually made an Apocalypse, thanks for reading. COMMENTS? impression on the petition signers. It is clear they do not enjoy the concept of Buckle your seatbelts, its gonna be a Editor@upandcomingweekly.com math in vote counting. bumpy End of Time. 6 UCW DECEMBER 19-25, 2012 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM