Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/59877
A Case of Pink Slime by PITT DICKEY Right now you are probably asking yourself, "What can I do to keep myself scared and occupied until AMC's great zombie show, The Walking Dead, returns next fall?" Despite the hardship of living without zombies on Sunday night, we must stay calm and carry on. In a spirit of civic responsibility, I offer the following news items to ponder and to create fear and loathing in the reader during the Zombie hiatus. Consider the following bits of cultural effl uvia. I submit the strange case of Pink Slime. Clark Griswold of the National Lampoon Family Vacation movies worked in the wonderful world of food additives. Clark's greatest food additive triumph was Pink Slime. The U.S. Department of Agriculture's offi cial terminology for Pink Slime is the fi nest euphemism on record. The USDA calls Pink Slime "lean, fi nely textured beef." That sound delectable. Who could possibly be opposed to something as delicious as "lean, fi nely textured beef?" No so fast, Mojumbo, what exactly is "lean, fi nely textured beef?" Lean, fi nely textured beef has an alias — Pink Slime. Pink Slime is a low-cost beef gumbo let the public schools that buy beef from the USDA decide whether or not to buy Pink Slime for the kiddies' lunches. Speaking of Pink Slime, Rush Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh has been in the news of late. Limbaugh has been in the news of late with his highly publicized attacks on the Georgetown law student who he accused of being a slut and a prostitute for her use of contraceptives. I had wondered at his popularity until a recent cover story in Food Additives Journal revealed that Rush is the result of what happens if the "lean, fi nely textured beef" is allowed to spin too long in the centrifuge. In Rush's case, the Pink Slime spun too long and absorbed too many Higgs Boson particles which resulted in the Pink Slime spontaneously generating itself as Rush. This resulted in the Pink Slime creating its own daily radio show on the Excrescence in Broadcasting network. And last but certainly not least, that is made up of fatty bits of meat cut from larger chunks of beef. Instead of chucking these chunks, the trimmings are lumped together with other fatty pieces of beef. The fatty chunks are heated to about 100 degrees to melt the fat off and spun around in a centrifuge like an Iranian nuclear weapons facility. What remains after the fat melts is Pink Slime. To get rid of the noxious elements inherent in left over beef parts, the Pink Slime is exposed to a "puff of ammonium hydroxide gas" to kill the bacteria and E. coli cooties. Like the old cigarette ad once said, "Take a puff, its Springtime." Nothing says fi ne cuisine like Pink Slime after a tasty bath of ammonium hydroxide gas. Once the Pink Slime has been gassed, it is squashed into tasty blocks and squeezed into a toothpaste like tube for handy delivery to other beef products. Because Pink Slime was once part of a cow, it does not have to be labeled as an ingredient in your hamburger. Fifty percent of all hamburger meat is estimated to have Pink Slime as an ingredient. Yum, yum. Just in time for barbecue season, give me that old time grilled Pink Slime and a cool glass of sweet iced tea. Our friends at the USDA have recently agreed to WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM another fear factor for you is the unpleasant resurgence of a bacteria called Clostridium Diffi cile, better know to his buddies in the bio cootie fi eld as the rapper C. Dif. C. Dif lives on hospital and nursing home walls and is one ugly customer. According to a new study from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, C. Dif is a gut bacteria that has been killing more people than the law allows. From a paltry 7,000 dead in 1997 to 17,000 killed in 2007, C. Dif is one bad dude. Older people are particularly vulnerable if they have been on a course of antibiotics which reduces their resistance to C. Dif. C. Dif can hang out on the walls of a hospital for weeks and possibly months if the walls aren't properly cleaned just waiting to chill in the intestines of an unsuspecting human. C. Dif's ugly brother is the Norovirus known by its alias the "winter vomiting virus." It is highly contagious and everywhere. I managed to acquire a personal relationship with the Norovirus this past winter and broke my personal non-vomiting streak which had maintained intact since college. What should we do? Hide upstairs under a blanket and sob? Nope. Wash your hands. Don't eat hamburgers. Only listen to Rush Limbaugh with condoms over your ears. You may begin. PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer, COM- MENTS? Editor@upandcomingweekly.com. MARCH 28 - APRIL 3, 2012, 2012 UCW 7 FAYETTEVILLE – BORDEAUX Sunday, April 8, 2012 11 a.m. - 2 p.m. 8hvtDr ShGrtsGhi 8rvrq6t7rrsUSqSh @rr TurAvrq8uvpxr QyyrqUxrBh Tssrq 8uvpxr7rh CrhqrWrtrhvhQhh TrhsqQhh Thpur 7rXuvrqHhurqQhr Hhphv8urrr TrhrqXuvrSvpr TrhrqSrq7yvQhr Cr Byhrq8h Wrtrhiyr Aru8yyhqBrr 8srv8 WrtrhiyrHrqyr TthThPvrhy7yrq 8h 7ppyv8urrr Qv7rh TxrqCh Thyhq7h TvtHvrqBrr 8hrhThyhq CrhqrQh Thyhq 8uvpxrThyhq 9rvyrq@tt TyvprqQrhpur 8htr8urrr QhhThyhq 9rr9vyh 6rqHvvThirTuphxr Hvv@pyhv 8rhQss 6rqQvr 8xvrhq8hqvr 8urs8rhv @vpAv8urrr9vyh Pryr7rytvhXhsr Thv $ 21.95 Children 12-6 $9.95 Children 5 and Under Complimentary & &Pr9vrAhrrvyyr I8!'" # ( "!" ( !! !!$ APSS@T@SW6UDPITPAQ6SUD@THPS@UC6I@DBCU