Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/592323
6 OCTOBER 28 - NOVEMBER 3, 2015 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Free at last! Free at last ! Thank Hollywood Almighty, Cousin Eddie is free at last! A Vermont Judge has just let Eddie out of jail. Our American Cousin Eddie was recently arrested crossing over from Canada into Vermont. On entering the U.S., Eddie went directly to a Vermont jail. He did not pass go or collect $200. He is a fugitive from California warrants for vandalizing a guest house he once owned and skipping out on a $10,000 hotel bill. Like OJ Simpson convicted of stealing his own property, Cousin Eddie has been charged with destroying what he considers to be his own property. Oh, the humanity. Who are we to cast stones at guest houses? As Redd Foxx once said, "Let he who is without sin, pick up some." Nobody is perfect. Cousin Eddie is just a lonesome cowboy trying to get along like a little dogie and avoid a murderous secret cult. Today we will travel through another dimension along the fine line between art and reality of Cousin Eddie and Randy Quaid. It is a place as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, lying between the pit of man's stomach and the summit of his knowledge. You have just crossed over into the Cousin Eddie Zone. Cousin Eddie, in his secret identity as Randy Quaid, was on the lam in Canada since 2010. He left the USA as a means of self preservation not to avoid justice. Randy left America to avoid the homicidal Star Whackers. Eddie sought safety in Canada, because our northern neighbors have strict immigration laws preventing the entry of Star Whackers. Unfamiliar with the Star Whackers? Read on, Gentle Reader. If you have lost track of Cousin Eddie over the last five years here is your chance to catch up. Cousin Eddie skedaddled to the land of Nanook because the Star Whackers were trying to kill him. Eddie reports the Star Whackers have killed a number of Hollywood luminaries including Heath Ledger and David Carradine to get their money. The Star Whackers were after Cousin Eddie like f lies on a rib roast. He learned he was next on their list of victims. Cousin Eddie did the only logical thing by f leeing the country. While living in Canada, Randy grew a beard that ISIS or even a Duck Dynaster would envy. In his secret identity as Randy, Cousin Eddie had his own Twitter account and tweeted a number of interesting things for his fans to ponder such as: "Oh, I've got a list and there are a LOT of names on that list .... I heard an interview on the radio where a woman married her own foot in Las Vegas. Is that even legal? ... There are many secret tunnels between Canada and the United States ... I looked in the bunker today and realized I hoarded enough toilet paper to last a hundred years of explosive diarrhea ... On Christmas Eve my plan is to dress as Santa and hand out cans of beer to the homeless. Afterwards I will watch Christmas Vacation on VHS." As the late great Irish poet Willie Yeasts once wrote, "O body swayed to music. O brightening glance/ How can we know the dancer from the dance?" How can we mere mortals separate real quotes from Randy from movie quotes from Cousin Eddie? We can't and we should not try. Never pull on the gossamer threads of art. Randy and Eddie have blended into a perfect cocktail of art and life. Art imitates life and life imitates art as seen in the Randy/Cousin Eddie dichotomy. Consider the prophetic lines spoken by Cousin Eddie in National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation. Clark Griswold: "Eddie, has anyone every told you that you're bad luck?" Cousin Eddie: "Those were my mother's dying words. But I guess if your body's covered in third degree burns, and your foot's caught in a bear trap, you tend to start talkin' crazy." Who can forget the immortal scene Vegas Vacation set in the world's cheapest casino when Eddie buys supper for a financially busted Clark Griswold? They are going through the $1.49 buffet line. Eddie tells the food server he prefers the yellow disgusting casserole to the blue disgusting casserole. Eddie: "I'll have some of the yellow stuff and don't get cheap on me." As they sit down to enjoy a sumptuous casino buffet, Eddie displays his gourmet side and says with a huge smile: "MMMM, the bread puddin' is extra runny tonight." Just as Mr. Natural advises, "Be like two fried eggs. Keep your sunny side up." Always look on the bright side. Rejoice in the runny bread pudding that the casino has made. There is always hope just around the corner. As Cousin Eddie said, "Come on Clark, the night is still young. .... They're giving away hot sandwiches at the blood bank." The Ballad of Cousin Eddie by PITT DICKEY City Parks and Recreation Bond Issue Fayetteville City Council has come up with a prioritized list of parks projects it would like to put to a vote next year. Council agreed to cap a bond referendum at no more than $45 million. Members ranked projects they'd like to see on the ballot. A pair of senior centers tops the list. Improvements to existing parks came in second followed by new splash pads and development of a Cape Fear riverfront park. A skateboard park and indoor aquatic center scored high, as well as a ball field complex. Council members agreed some projects could be scaled back and others could be funded separately rather than as part of the bond issue. New Chamber of Commerce Leadership The Greater Fayetteville Chamber hopes its selection of a new CEO will reinvigorate the membership. Maj. Gen. Rodney Anderson (Ret.) will lead the Chamber as it challenges the business community to assert itself. He'll do so from a background of command leadership and spiritual motivation. Ander- son retired from the Army in 2012. He served as Deputy Commanding General of 18th Airborne Corps and Fort Bragg. City Transit Advertising Not everyone favors using city buses as rolling billboards. But the busi- ness community is responding favorably. And taxpayers will appreciate the revenue the advertising generates. It is estimated that once the ad agency in charge of the project is fully up and running, the ads could yield well over $50 thousand in non-tax revenue annually for FAST. VA Health Care The new Fayetteville Veterans Affairs Health Care Center off Raeford Road is one of seven of its kind in the nation. The $120 million, 250,000-square-foot building with 1,800 parking spaces is state-of-the-art. It will serve one of the fastest growing veteran communities in the country. The center comprises nu- merous out-patient clinics. Two more like it are under construc- tion in North Carolina, one in Charlotte, the other in Kernersville. News Tips, Comments or Questions? Call Up & Coming Weekly at (910) 484-6200 or email news@upandcomingweekly.com LOCAL HEADLINES by JEFF THOMPSON JEFF THOMPSON, Columnist. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. 910.484.6200. Randy Quaid as Cousin Eddie PITT DICKY, Attorney, Con- tributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomingweekly.com. 910.484.6200. Be sure to see what we have in store for you! News, views, arts & entertainment. Coming Every Week.... Exciting features on timely topics that matter to you! www.upandcomingweekly.com 484-6200