Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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OCTOBER 28 - NOVEMBER 3, 2015 UCW 19 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM ADVICE GODDESS The Alone Ranger Sometimes, when my boyfriend is upset, he wants comforting, just like I would. He'll vent or lay his head in my lap, and I stroke his hair. But sometimes, he just sits on the couch and says nothing. How do I know what he needs, and how do I feel better about it when it isn't me? — Man Cave Confusion Developmental psychologist Joyce Benenson, who studies sex differences, notes in Warriors and Worriers that men, who evolved to be the warriors of the species, typically express emotions less often and with less intensity than women. Men are especially likely to put a lid on fear and sadness, emotions that reflect vulnerability. Men's emotional coolness is an evolved survival tactic, Benenson explains. "Emotions communicate feelings to others. They also affect our own behavior." In battle, "a person who loses control of his emotions cannot think clearly about what is happening around him. Revealing to the enemy that one feels scared or sad would be even worse." Women, on the other hand, bond through sharing "personal vulnerabilities," Benenson notes. Men and women do have numerous similarities — like having the adrenaline-infused fight-or-flight reaction as our primary physiological response to stress. However, psychologist Shelley Taylor finds that women also have an alternate stress response, which she named "tend-and-befriend." "Tending" involves self-soothing through caring for others, and "befriending" describes "the creation of and maintenance of social networks" to turn to for comforting. (And no, she isn't talking about Facebook or Instagram.) So, as a woman, you may long to snuggle up to somebody for a restorative boohoo, but for a man, opening up about his feelings can make him feel worse — and even threatened. The problem is we have a tendency to assume other people are emotionally wired just like us. Being mindful of that and of the evolutionary reasons a guy might need to go off in a corner to lick his wounds might help you avoid taking it personally: You could try to read his body language — like crossed arms and stiff posture saying "go away." But if his body isn't speaking up all that clearly, you could say, "I'm here if you wanna talk — or if you don't." If it's the latter, stock the fridge; make him a sandwich; make him some sex. In other words, comfort him in the way a clammed-up guy needs to be comforted. It beats being the girlfriend version of the enthusiastic good Samaritan who, on a slow day, forces little old ladies across the street at gunpoint. Copyright AMY ALKON WEEKLY HOROSCOPES NEWS OF THE WEIRD by CHUCK SHEPPARD Two suburban Minneapolis elementary schools this fall hired a consulting firm to advise officials on kids' recess, and the leading recommendations (promoting "safety" and "inclusiveness") were elimination of "contact" games in favor of, for example, hopscotch. Some parents objected; recess, they said, should be more freestyle, unstructured. (More consultants' advice: De-emphasize refereed "rules" games in favor of monitors who simply praise effort.) One Minnesota principal noted improvement — fewer fights and nurse visits now — but as one parent said, her child feels that recess is no longer really "playing." [Star Tribune, 10-5- 2015] [Mercer Island Reporter, 9-24-2015] Bright Ideas Unapparent Problem, Solved: Vladimir Laurent (an insurance executive in Coral Springs, Florida) received his U.S. patent on Sept. 29 and can proceed mass-producing "The Shield" — his brainstorm to keep men's genitalia from dragging on the inside of toilet bowls while they're seated. Laurent told the South Florida Business Journal that his device was something he "needed, personally" (though he's aware that not all males experience the sensation). The Shield is basically a cup attached to the bowl by suction that allows movement via a ball-and- socket joint. [South Florida Business Journal, 9-30-2015] Latest Human Rights Kentucky's government ethics law bars gifts from lobbyists to legislators, but state Sen. John Schickel filed a federal lawsuit in September claiming that he has a constitutional (First Amendment) right to receive them. (The laws were passed after the FBI found several Kentucky politicians selling their votes.) And in May, officials of the American Gaming (gambling) Association and the Association of Club Executives complained to the Pentagon that a threatened prohibition of the use of government credit cards at casinos and strip clubs violated card users' constitutional rights, in that protected activities (such as business strategy meetings) take place at those venues. [TheIntercept.com, 9-24-2015] [Government Executive, 5-21-2015] COPYRIGHT CHUCK SHEPPARD ARIES- Mar 21/Apr 20 Aries, you may prefer to be in control of your fate, but you may have to relinquish some control to someone else for the time being. It can be an eye-opening situation. TAURUS- Apr 21/May 21 Taurus, you have high hopes of solidifying a relationship this week and things will go according to plan so long as you stay focused. Enjoy the fruits of your labors. GEMINI- May 22/Jun 21 Gemini, some interesting things unfold at the office this week. Your hard work and ability to keep a cool head will prevail, and others will notice. CANCER- Jun 22/Jul 22 You're ready for fun and games even before the weekend arrives, Cancer. You may start daydreaming about all the plans to make. Just don't let it distract you. LEO- Jul 23/Aug 23 Leo, a particular situation will take up much of your time this week, even into the weekend. You may have to postpone some of your plans for a later date. VIRGO- Aug 24/Sept 22 Focus your attention on maintaining a healthy perspective on information that comes your way, Virgo. A new perspective might be just what you need to sort this situation out. LIBRA- Sept 23/Oct 23 Libra, good things are ahead in the weeks to come. Both your personal and professional lives are about to take a turn for the better, and you deserve these positive developments. SCORPIO- Oct 24/Nov 22 Scorpio, insecurities can hinder your plans this week. Think positively and you can accomplish whatever comes your way. Lean on a friend or two if need be. SAGITTARIUS- Nov 23/Dec 21 Sagittarius, enjoy the company of others this week. Spend time with your friends and family and don't be afraid to try new things. Fun times are ahead. CAPRICORN- Dec 22/Jan 20 Capricorn, the more you can focus on the tasks at hand, the faster you will accomplish each of your goals. Procrastination has no place in your week right now. AQUARIUS- Jan 21/Feb 18 You thrive on mental puzzles and complex concepts, Aquarius. So you're ready to tackle whatever gets thrown your way this week. Challenges are your strong suit. PISCES- Feb 19/Mar 20 Carve out some time for going over your finances, Pisces. You may have some opportunites coming your way, and you want your finances in order. Amy Alkon Chuck Sheppard