Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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Republican Race for the Nomination: The New Animal House by PITT DICKEY How have I loved the Republican food fi ght for the Presidential nomination? Let me count the ways. Watching them seek the Presidential nod sent me to the source of much Zen wisdom, the immortal movie, Animal House. Ponder the parallels between Animal House and the Republicans' entertaining circular fi ring squad. With very few changes, Animal House could be remade starring the Republican candidates. Let us begin with casting. The role of Bluto, played with great delicacy by John Belushi, will be performed by Newt Gingrich. Newt has all the enthusiasms and desires to make the stupid, futile gestures displayed by Belushi. In our alternative universe, Bluto is no longer a member of the disreputable Delta house. Bluto has somehow become a member of the stuffy, white-bread fraternity Omega Theta Pi. Bluto is running for fraternity president against Greg Marmalard played by Mr. Excitement, Mitt Romney. It is beautiful to watch Newt insist that although he took $3 million from Fannie Mae to serve as a historian, he was not a lobbyist. Recall Bluto yelling, "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?!?!" Facts don't matter to Bluto or to Newt. Strong emotions count. That is why Newt is beating Mitt. Mitt's emotions are locked in a Swiss bank account. Newt accused Mitt of being a rich guy. Mitt responded by accusing Newt of attacking capitalism itself. Mitt's creative reframing of Newt's personal attack into an attack on capitalism was lifted directly from the trial scene in Animal House. The Deltas have been hauled before the honor court to be tossed off campus. Consider Otter's spirited defense of the Deltas and insert the word "capitalism" where he says "fraternity." Otter: "You can't hold a whole fraternity (capitalism) responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity (capitalism) system? And if the whole fraternity (capitalism) system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational (capitalism) institutions in general? Isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America." Ron Paul is Dean Vernon Wormer. Ron has put the Federal Reserve System on double secret probation. He is going to throw the Fed off campus when he becomes President. Ron Paul (as Dean Wormer said) says about the Fed, "The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me." The Fed is getting the boot from Ron. Republican candidate, Newt Gingrich. Rick Santorum is Neidermeyer. Neidermeyer was the ROTC leader who made Flounder's life miserable by being a class-A jerk. Santorum not only has Neidermeyer's personality down to a T, he even looks like Neidermeyer. Everybody knows a Neidermeyer. It comes as no surprise at the end of Animal House that Neidermeyer gets fragged by his own troops. The Tea Party is abandoning Santorum in a case of life imitating art. One can take just so many sweater vests. Rick Perry plays the Mayor. Dean Wormer complains about paying for Faber's homecoming parade. The Mayor replies: "These parades you throw are very expensive. You are using my police, my sanitation people and my Oldsmobiles free of charge. So if you mention extortion again, I'll have your legs broken." Recall Governor Perry's statement about what would happen if Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke made the mistake of coming to Texas. Perry, "If Bernanke prints more money between now and the election, I don't know what y'all would do to him in Iowa, but we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas. ... the act would be almost treasonous in my opinion." Rick has the Mayor nailed. Paula Deen will play Dean Wormer's wife, Marion. Paula/Marion meets Otter in the produce section of a grocery store. Channeling Paula, Marion gives Otter food and grammar advice. Otter: "I think vegetables can be very sensuous, don't you?" Marion: "No, vegetables are sensual. People are sensuous." As Neidermeyer said about the Toga party masquerading as the Republican Presidential campaign, "We have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here." Please let the campaign never end. PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer, Up & Coming Weekly, COMMENTS? Editor@ upandcomingweekly.com. Cumberland County Schools Accepting Applications for the 2012-2013 School of Choice Program 8iryhq8Tpuyvhpprvthyvphv sur! !! "Tpuys8uvprQth 8uvprQthhrssrrqhhyyyrry ryrrh vqqyr hquvtu Wvvur88TXrivrhwww.choice.ccs.k12.nc.us rrhyvvts8uvprpuy thqrpvv hqhyvphvprqr New for 2012-2013 ThvuGhthtrDrvQthh HthSq @yrrh Fvqrthrqry TpuysGrhqruvh X U 7`rhSq@yrrh Fvqrthr$u Deadline for submitting Choice applications is February 15, 2012. Arvshv vvurXrivrphyy( 8 UCW FEBRUARY 8-14, 2012 %&' !# & WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Need a quick getaway? Enjoy the easy island life. Full-service and resort hotels, cozy beach rentals, fresh seafood and relaxation are just across the bridge at Wrightsville Beach. For military specials and events: WBGetaways.com 1-800-650-8921 DRIVE. GOT A LONG WEEKEND? TAKE A SHORT Wrightsville Beach