Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/528348
8 JUNE 17-23, 2015 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Look Down that Loathsome Road By PITT DICKEY What is so rare as a public figure caught with their proverbial and literal pants down? Right now you are probably asking yourself, "What do Dennis Hastert, Josh Duggar and Lewis Carroll have in common?" Unless you have been living under an oil spill in Santa Barbara you can't have missed the sordid tales of Dennis Hastert and Josh Duggar. If you look deeply enough, it is usually possible to find a trail of slime linking the latest crop of crummy characters in the news. I have been pondering who was slimier, Dennis Hastert, rassling coach/child molester/bank fraudster or Josh Duggar creepy older brother/ child molester? After much thought, I have awarded the Gold Medal Slime Ball of the week to Dennis Hastert although it was a close match with Josh Duggar. I prefer kicking public figures when they are up, but for today's essay, I shall kick them when they are down. Let us ponder the strange story of former House Speaker Dennis Hastert. Apparently when he was a rasslin' coach back in Illinois, he taught the boys more than just legitimate wrestling holds. Being grappled by a sweaty leering Denny Hastert would cause most people to lose their lunch. One of his boys, named by the federal indictment as Individual A, grew up and apparently promised to keep his mouth shut about Denny's little boy habit in return for $3.5 million in hush money. Denny should have realized that any kid named Individual A was going to cause trouble down the line. He should have molested Individual X, because X is unknown. Individual A is always going to be the first one called into the police station. Denny was Speaker of the House during the Monica Lewinsky experience. At least Monica was legally an adult when Bill was fooling around with her. As a noble protector of marital fidelity and family values, as well as being a closeted child molester, Denny was in charge of the House Impeachment proceedings. Denny replaced former Speaker Newt Gingrich, who had been leading the impeachment charge against Bill for lying under oath about his affair with Monica. It turned out that Newt was carrying on his own affair while actively railing at Bill about Monica. Newt was supposed to have been replaced by Bob Livingston as Speaker of the House, except Bob announced his resignation from the House due to his own affair right before the House voted on impeaching Bill. Bob's sudden return to Louisiana resulted in Coach Denny taking over as Speaker of the House. If you feel like you are watching a bad soap opera, that's just D.C. politics. Denny loved children, just a little too much. The Silver Medal for loathsome behavior goes to Josh Duggar, one of the 19 Duggar children. Josh apparently molested five little girls including his younger sisters. Josh went on to be the spokesman for the Family Research Council promoting his version of family values to all who would listen. He appeared with numerous Republican presidential candidates eager to share in Josh's glow of family valuehood. Josh's parents explained his child molesting behavior as being the result of "bad choices." Josh himself described his extended family as "the epitome of conservative values." If I was a conservative, I would be cranky at Josh for this claim. Josh was four-square against gay marriage, abortions and divorce. Molesting his sisters was okay, just a bad choice. Nothing to see here, move along. Which brings us to Lewis Carroll, the celebrated author of Alice in Wonderland and a fan of little girls himself. Lew provided many fine quotes to help us understand life. Humpty Dumpty explained the political double talk about supporting family values spewed by Denny and Josh. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, 'it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less." 'The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things." To which Humpty Dumpty replied, "The answer is to be master — that's all." Sometimes politicians speak with forked tongue. Watch out when a politician tells you he supports family values. As Inigo Montoya said in the movie The Princess Bride, "You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means." PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. 910.484.6200. Hail & Farewells • Call for Reservations • We Cater 217 Hay St. Historic Downtown 678-8885 5780 Ramsey St. Next to Methodist University 822-3590 Voted Fayetteville's Best Overall Restaurant Voted Fayetteville's Best Overall Restaurant Authentic Italian Cuisine Brick Fired NY Pizza 3010 Traemoor Village Dr. Hope Mills 491-4667 Wed. night 1/2 price bottle of wine • Tues. night $5 martinis 910-424-7660 910-424-7660