Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/16971
How to Love the Coming Apocolypse by PITT DICKEY They said it couldn’t be done. They said nobody could do it. But Christine O’Donnell has made Sarah Palin look like an intellectual giant. Christine, our Tea Party candidate for U.S. Senate in Delaware is a Renaissance Woman for All Seasons. Or perhaps a Dark Ages Woman for All Seasons. She is the best. She does it all. Christine dabbles in witchcraft, had a midnight picnic on a satanic bloody altar and alerted us all to the dangers of Big Science in America creating mice with fully formed human brains. She has even managed to irritate the Wiccan community who deny Satanism is a part of their thing. As we live in the best of all possible worlds, Christine said all these groovy things in front of video cameras. Who knows what new and colorful things she will reveal to us in the coming days? Be still my beating heart. The coming Apocalypse in 2012 is gonna be great. Cranky Ice Bear Sarah Palin will be the Republican nominee for President. She’ll be duking it out with President Obi to be Caesar of the U.S. of A. The division between Red and Blue America will widen even farther to Caesarian section propor- tions. In 2012, the rough beast slouching towards Bethlehem waiting to be born will be the Palin Presidency. Despite Rodney King’s plea, we all just won’t be able to get along. Sarah will win despite Obi’s release of armies of Mousebrained election workers trying to defeat Sister Sarah. Simon and Garfunkle once sang a song with the lyric, “Something tells me it’s all happening at the zoo.” They were only partially correct. It’s all happening in 2012 which will be a zoo of sorts. According to ancient Sumerian writings, Nibiru, our solar system’s long missing 12th planet will return to smack the earth in 2012 creating all grades of interesting havoc. The Mayan calendar says the end of time will occur on Dec. 12, 2012. Sarah Palin will be elected President on Nov. 6, 2012. Randy Quaid will get arrested again. As they say in New Orleans, “Let the good times roll!” Better buckle your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a bumpy fl ight. Christine has been good enough to warn us about the terrors of genetic engineer- ing. She told Bill O’Reilly back in 2007 that “American scientifi c companies are cross- breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human A House Not So Divided brains.” At least the American scientifi c companies are keeping the jobs of developing genetic mouse/people in the Land of the Free. Keep American mouse cloning jobs in America! Typically the Chinese would be producing and exporting Mousekeeters to the USA by the boatload. Fortunately, the Chinese scientifi c companies added too much lead-based dry wall to the Mousekeeters clone mixture. All the Chinese hybrid mouse/ people checked into the Great Mousetrap in the sky. Right now you are probably asking yourself, why are American Scientifi c companies creating armies of mouse/ people? Who will benefi t from the unnatural mouse/people legions? Simple. It’s Obama’s idea. He’s the Big Cheese behind the mouse/people. President Obi is going to one-stop register millions of mouse/people in their creation labs to vote in the 2012 election. As the mouse/people are anchor babies cloned in America, the 14th Amendment guarantees them the consti- tutional right to vote. The Democratic National Committee has a diabolical use for the mouse/people prior to the election. The mouse/people will fl y on black helicopters rounding up Republicans and Tea Party members and hauling them off to re-education camps to prevent them from voting for Sarah. The Obi re-education camps will be guarded by legions of genetically cloned bed bugs who will have fully functioning human brains. Any Repubs or Tea Baggers who try to escape Obi’s re-education camps will be set upon by the intelligent bed bugs and cootied to death. How can Sarah defeat Obi’s cosmic cloning catastrophe? How can she save America? Simple. U.S. Senator Christine O’Donnell will use her powers of witchcraft to turn all the mouse/people into worthless Wall Street collateralized debt obliga- tions. A blast of hot air provided by a Newt Gingrich speech will scatter the paper mouse/people like dust in the wind. The re-education camps will collapse. The Repubs and Tea Baggers will vote. Sarah will rule the Earth, at least until 12 December 2012 when Planet Nibiru hits us. Happy Days are here again! PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomingweekly.com. ALL TEAM SPORTS Mention this ad and receive 20% OFF* your next team purchase. *Restrictions apply. “TWO are better than ONE” 3006 Bragg Blvd. Fayetteville, NC 910.323.1791 6 UCW SEPTEMBER 29 - OCTOBER 5, 2010 5613 Rockfish Road Hope Mills, NC 910.609.1791 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM