Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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An affordable computer and free basic internet training are also available. 8 JULY 31 - AUGUST 6, 2013 Sharknado Shenanigans by PITT DICKEY I have seen the future and it is full of flying sharks. Today's lesson is a review of the greatest bad movie ever made. Consider the wonderfully awful Sharknado, which is available on the SyFy channel in the upper reaches of basic cable. Be not afraid of awfulness. Some movies are born awful. Some achieve awfulness, others have awfulness thrust upon them. Sharknado towers above them all. Double extra cheesy special effects. Wooden actors. Flying Rubber sharks. Terrible dialogue. Chainsaw shark fileting. Questionable meteorological science. Divorced family pathos. Colorful drunken bar flies. In short, Sharknado is the most wonderful movie ever made. This movie makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like Casablanca. Spoiler alert — if you are one of the few carbonbased life forms who have not seen Sharknado, do not read this article. Go do the crossword puzzle or read News of the Weird elsewhere in Up & Coming. The rest of this column is going to wallow in all things Sharknado. Our story begins in the Pacific Ocean 20 miles off the Mexican Coast where Hurricane David is heading for Santa Monica. Huge water spouts are sucking sharks up out of the ocean into the sky. See where this is going? Cut to a sun-kissed scene at the beach where our hero, a bar owner named Fin, looks up at the sky and opines: "There is something unnatural about the storm." Fin and his pals, George the Drunk and Aussie the Australian, are hoisting brewskis in his bar when the storm hits. Suddenly, a tidal wave pushes a giant hungry shark through the window. Nova, the bar maid with a heart of gold and enormous talents, kills the shark with a pool cue before many of the patrons get eaten. Nova is hot for Fin, but Fin has a cranky exwife and two kids. A giant seashore roller coaster is slammed by the waves into a building. Beach-goers run amok back and forth on the beach screaming as sharks fall out of the sky eating them. Fin decides to go save his ex-wife and daughter. He takes Nova and his bar buddies with him and drives into the storm. Sharks are filling the streets and keep bumping under Fin's SUV. George the Drunk kills a shark with his favorite bar stool to save a dog. Another shark then eats George. No good deed goes unpunished. Sharks shoot out of drainage ditches and manholes as the storm intensifies. When Fin reaches his ex-wife's house, her obnoxious boyfriend doesn't believe there is a shark problem. Boyfriend is promptly eaten by a shark. Serves him right. Big shark fight ensues in ex-wife's living room. Blood everywhere. Aussie makes a tasteless joke. Fin takes a 3-iron to the sharks to create a diversion while everyone else escapes to the SUV. Just when you think things can't get worse. They do. The Sharknado hits which is a tornado filled with sharks. Possibly the worst fake tornado ever filmed drops thousands of sharks from the skies. Fin saves a bunch of kids trapped in a school bus. Their fat bus driver gets squashed by a chunk of building. A store keeper blames the government for the catastrophe falling from the sky — "Sharks, I never saw that coming." The big finale takes place at the airport. Our heroes decide to make a stand with chain saws and homemade bombs. Fin cuts a flying shark in half with a chain saw. His son Dave takes Nova up in a helicopter to throw a bomb into the tornado which will cause the tornado to collapse. Nova falls out of the helicopter and is swallowed in mid air by a shark. Fin stands his ground with a chainsaw and is swallowed by a flying shark. Everyone cries. Then miraculously, a chainsaw blade appears from inside the shark. Fin cuts his way out of the shark. Then he pulls Nova out of the same shark. Dave saves Nova despite messy shark goo with mouth to mouth resuscitation. Of all the flying sharks, in all of the world's skies, Nova gets swallowed by the same shark that ate Fin. It is a Festivus miracle! Everyone lives happily ever after. Nova hooks up with Dave. Fin gets back together with his cranky ex-wife. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship and a series of Sharknado movies. PITT DICKEY, Attorney, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomingweekly.com. WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM