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Saturday, June 26, 2010 – Daily News – 5A FEATURES Wife struggles with husband’s alcoholism Dear Annie: ‘‘Austin’’ and I have been married for several years, and we have two beautiful chil- dren. He was an alcoholic when we met, but when he realized it was seriously affect- ing his health, he quit in a single day. Our marriage was wonderful. Everything changed after Annie’s Mailbox by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar Austin’s father died unexpectedly. He became a closet drinker, start- ed gambling and distanced himself from the entire family. After a year, he pulled out of the skid, but things haven’t been the same. I know he still drinks and lies to me about it. He also self-medicates with other substances. This year has been especially tough. Austin lost his job and feels he is not pulling his weight around the house. He gets angry and then dis- appears for hours on end. Annie, I know deep down the man I fell in love with is still there, but how do I bring him back? He refuses to see a coun- selor or a doctor about his depres- sion and will not even discuss A.A. I probably make things worse, because when I suspect he’s been drinking, it leads to a fight. I miss my husband. Austin reads your column, so please tell him I love him with all my heart and it hurts to see him missing out on his family. He was my white knight, and now I want to save him. — Need Help Dear Need Help: Austin sounds severely depressed and probably has been since Dad died. He also turns to addictive sub- stances (alcohol, drugs, gambling) to dull the pain. Counseling would help him enormously, but you can- not force him to go. Please look into Al-Anon (al- anon.alateen.org) at 1-888-4AL- ANON (1-888-425-2666). It’s for family and friends of alcoholics and will help you learn better ways of coping with Austin’s drinking. And, Austin, if you are reading this, you owe it to your family to try to get better. They love you and need you. Dear Annie: I have a problem with jealousy and insecurity. My fiance has never done anything to make me feel this way, but the men who were in my life before cheated on me. I know I need help, but we can’t afford counseling. It’s reached the point where we argue a lot because he now works with a woman I can’t help but think is better looking than I am, and he may cheat with her. My fears are tearing us apart. My fiance keeps telling me to grow up. Please help. — Stressed and Tired Dear Stressed: Fear is irra- tional, but you must decide not to let yours become so debilitating that it destroys this relationship and all future ones. We strongly urge you to get counseling so you can defeat your jealousy demons. Look for low-cost help through local hospitals, university psy- chology departments and graduate school counseling departments, United Way and the YMCA. Dear Annie: I read the letter from ‘‘Devastated and Frustrat- ed,’’ whose son won’t let her see the grandchildren. You’ve printed other letters about young married couples who like to cut off the grandparents during family feuds. Erasing your children’s past and handing them a blank future is a terrible way to seek revenge. The children don’t have a dog in this fight. They should be encouraged to phone or e-mail their grandpar- ents for this simple reason alone. Family history is passed on to the future through the stories and experiences of the grandparents. The sad part is that when the chil- dren find out that they were cheat- ed out of this basic right, they will do the same thing to their parents when the time comes. I’ve seen it happen. As family ties are cut, we are slowly creating some lonely heirs in future generations. They won’t have any family history and will never know why. — An Observer Dear Observer: You are unfor- tunately right. Thank you for pointing out that family history can become another casualty of such estrangements. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailboxcomcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. Berrendos Middle School Honor Roll The following students made Berrendos Middle School Honor Roll for the fourth quarter. Honors: 3.00-3.49 Sixth Grade: Kyler Bailey, Regan Barrow, Kaitlyn Corneli- son, Christian Denney, Jasmine Dittner, Abigail Fambrough, Aaron Lewis, Karlie Lopez, Autumn Poole, Virginia Shaffer, Ajaybir Singh. Seventh Grade: Rebecca Blanchard, Jay Boone, Lauren Bramhall, Kelsey Cantrell, Katri- na Coughlin, Catherine Cump- ton, Lucea Fouts, William Mac- donald, Cheyenne Marshall, Jami Matheson, Sosanna O'Sullivan, Haliley Pritchard, Gabriel Sar- BALTIMORE (AP) — Robert Redford is talking oil, art and history — and for him, they’re all connect- ed as he works to use art as a tool of activism. The 73-year-old actor is moving at full speed. He just finished production on his latest movie, ‘‘The Conspir- ator,’’ a story he directed about a mostly forgotten trial after Abraham Lin- coln’s assassination with surprising connections to today. This week he’s been rais- ing money for the Gulf Coast’s recovery from the oil spill — and railing against big oil. As a long- time environmentalist, Red- ford isn’t holding back on advice for the president, either. ‘‘The truth is pouring out, just like that oil,’’ he told The Associated Press on Friday, bemoaning the ‘‘col- lusion’’ between govern- ment and oil companies over time and the environ- mentally friendly ad slogans from big oil. ‘‘Chevron is not in the ’human energy’ business. BP is not ’beyond petrole- um.’ They’re all about petro- leum,’’ Redford said. As for President Barack Obama, Redford said he’s spent too much time trying to be bipartisan because tori, Josiah Vasey. Eighth Grade: Stefanie Bautista Cuevas, Brittany Berg, Brianna Bristol, Wyatt Brown, Chonna Casey, Natalee Chandler, Brittany Clatty, Josephine Clements, Cody Clinger, Calisha Cruise, Gregory DuFour, Irlanda Hernandez, Madalynn Hoskins, Jordan Johnson, Logan LeVier, Aracely Olivares, Sara Peters, Chase Root, Dylan Schaible, Michael Shaffer, Colton Somavia, Madison Stevens, Eric Wellman. High Honors: 3.5-4.0 Sixth Grade: Stefanie Brunel- lo, Grant Cottier, Tanner Durfee, Caitlyn Igarta, Haley Isaacson, ‘‘there is no such thing.’’ ‘‘He’s got to be bold. He’s got to be a leader, not a manager,’’ Redford said. ‘‘I think he’s got it in him. The question is, will he?’’ On Friday, Redford turned back to his love for the arts and called on about 900 attendees at an Ameri- cans for the Arts summit in Baltimore to push to dispel the ‘‘myths’’ holding back government funding for the arts. Notions that art is trivial or worthless are driven by ‘‘small minds,’’ he said. ‘‘Unfortunately, some of them hold congressional seats.’’ Redford started the Sun- dance Institute and Film Festival with a $25,000 grant from the National Endowment for the Arts in 1980. Now, it generates as much as $90 million over 10 days each year for Utah’s coffers. Robert Lynch, president of the arts advocacy group, credits Redford with increasing federal arts fund- ing by $100 million last year with stimulus funds and budget increases after the actor testified on Capitol Hill in 2008. At the time, Redford said, he thought his testimony was a wasted trip. More recently, Redford created the Redford Center COMPLETE AUTO REPAIR All makes and models. We perform dealer recommened 30K, 60K, 90K SERVICES AT LOWER PRICES Smog Check starting at $ (most cars and pick-ups) 2995 + cert. Pass or FREE retest 527-9841 • 195 S. 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Real storytelling, Redford said, can be more powerful than propaganda. Redford is mixing art and politics. Art with an agenda, though, has irked Congress in the past. ‘‘When I say art and activism, I don’t mean radi- cal politics at all,’’ Redford said. ‘‘It’s not using art to throw arrows. It’s using art to activate communities ... to make up for what is not being done by the govern- ment.’’ His eyes light up, though, when the subject turns to his movies. ‘‘The Conspirator’’ finished filming in Savan- nah, Ga., and will retrace the trial of Mary Surratt, who was put to death for conspir- acy after President Lincoln was killed. It’s a story often hidden from memory of the woman who owned the boarding house where assassin John Wilkes Booth and others — including Surratt’s son, who escaped — planned their attack. ‘‘What we don’t know is the trial that followed short- ly after, where a woman was put on trial in a military tri- bunal that should have been a city trial,’’ he said. ‘‘Whether she was innocent or guilty wasn’t the issue. ... It was the wrong trial.’’ War Secretary Edwin Stanton — who Redford compares to former Vice President Dick Cheney — wanted Lincoln’s killers quickly buried and forgot- ten. Redford said he hopes the movie will be released late this year because it’s surprisingly topical, though he gives few hints. ‘‘What surprised me was how little this country has changed over 150 years,’’ he said. ‘‘Some of the trans- gressions against the Consti- tution have been going on ever since.’’ Hrs: 9am-6pm Monday-Saturday Choice Angus RIB EYE 80-85% Lean GROUND BEEF OR PATTIES 81-19% $ $ Plain or Marinated COUNTRY STYLE RIBS $ 899lb. 279lb. 229lb. CHECK OUT OUR IMPROVED SPICE RACK HONEY • SPICES • RUBS • MARINADES 12600 Hwy 99E, Red Bluff Located 5 Miles from I-5 • 530-527-6483 Now Accepting E.B.T., Debit, Credit Cards Expires 6-29-10 Stop waiting, sign up for FREE! • Sign up during the month of June and pay no enrollment or first months dues! *Special applies to standard membership rate EFT Get the kids off the couch this summer! • 4 month student special $99 Don’t forget our members now receive a free social membership at Wilcox Oaks golf course. Enjoy their beautiful pool and club house this summer. Tehama Family Fitness Center 2498 South Main St • Red Bluff 528-8656 • www.tehamafamilyfitness.com Wife struggles with husband’s alcoholism DEAR DR. GOTT: I simply cannot understand my hus- band’ s habitual drinking. I’m embar- rassed, ashamed and frustrat- ed, and we’re even consid- ering divorce because of it. We are a well-educated couple. He’s a professional with a good job, and of all things, I’m a counselor. Wouldn’t you think I might be able to advise my own partner? Well, I guess not, because life is a mess, things are out of control, and what’s worse, my hus- band doesn’t even seem to know or care. He promises he will change but those promises have been broken so many times I have lost track. We have three won- derful children who have been damaged because of his habit. I try to help them understand, but they aren’t dumb. They can read between the lines. He knows right from wrong, so why on Earth can’t he see that he is rapid- ly destroying everyone and everything around him? The things that were impor- tant are just that — things. I have said a million times that I can’t compete with his first love, and I’m not referring to another woman in his life but the bloody alcohol. I’m backed up against the wall but hope- fully not into a corner. Help! DEAR READER: Alco- hol can be a powerful addiction that can have dev- astating effects on both partners, their children, family and friends. Sadly, the person who needs the help is often the last to understand the complexity of the situation. Beyond that, the quantity of alcohol a person consumes and how often he or she con- sumes it is not nearly as important as the behavior that can follow and the results it can have on oth- ers. While the disease — and it is a disease — can be hid- den or explained in count- less ways, invariably it sur- faces. Employers tire rapid- ly of the feeble excuses. The extended lunch hour so an employee can enjoy a couple of “needed” pops often results in unemploy- ment. Missed meals or soc- cer games and the empty seat at dance recitals affect children more than the alcoholic can begin to imagine. Children become fearful of their friends find- ing out and tend to with- draw from their friends and family. Spouses make excuses for canceling din- ners with family members and acquaintances. It’s sim- ply a no-win situation — a powder keg waiting to explode. I am sure your pleas have fallen on deaf ears, so my recommendations may Dr. Peter Gott be difficult to handle. Your family needs help, and that help must start with you. Read your local newspaper to determine the nearest Al-Anon meeting. Don’t be embar- rassed about attending. Everyone there is in the same boat. What is said there stays there, and you will realize you are not alone with the burden of an alcoholic. You will learn to cope, to find your own path. Your children can attend Alateen meetings to get themselves on the right path, as well. If you are more comfortable, you could start by participating in online or telephone meetings. When confronted by your partner, and you will likely be verbally accosted, explain that your pleading fell on deaf ears for too long and it was too painful to sit back doing nothing. You were powerless and needed to take a stand. A victim — and that’s just what you are — can then ask if his or her husband, wife, partner, son, daughter, parent or friend will consid- er seeing a counselor, get in-house professional reha- bilitation, or attend AA meetings. There are facili- ties across the country that work in a professional man- ner with their residents. An alcoholic is an alco- holic is an alcoholic. There is no age limit, no ethnic pattern, no financial guide- line, no educational group targeted — only broken promises, frustration and repeated heartbreak. Any- one can fall prey to this ghastly addiction. So there can be no excuses. If your suggestion fails, at least you will have tried your best and you will be stronger for making the effort. If it works, you will both have the ability to mend the relationship. You may feel as if you could create world peace more easily than taking such steps, and that may be just the case. It isn’t an easy road, but for the mental health of everyone, it is necessary. To provide related infor- mation, I am sending you a copy of my Health Report “Help: Mental Illness and Substance Abuse.” Other readers who would like a copy should send a self- addressed stamped No. 10 envelope and a $2 check or money order to Newsletter, P.O. Box 167, Wickliffe, OH 44092-0167. Be sure to mention the title or print an order form off my website at www.AskDrGottMD.com. Good luck. Dr. Peter H. Gott is a retired physician and the author of several books, including “Live Longer, Live Better,” “Dr. Gott’s No Flour, No Sugar Diet” and “Dr. Gott’s No Flour, No Sugar Cookbook,” which are available at most bookstores or online. His website is www.AskDrGottMD.com.