Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: http://www.epageflip.net/i/409963
NOVEMBER 5-11, 2014 UCW 23 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM ADVICE GODDESS Scold Rush I try to be direct, but my girlfriend often sees this as meanness. For example, when we're out to dinner, she sometimes takes forever to order when the server is standing right there. I'll call her out on this — tell her she was rude to keep the guy waiting. Per- sonally, I think it's unhealthy in the long run to keep quiet about issues, but my girlfriend gets upset whenever I give her constructive criticism. How can I convince her that she's being too sensitive? — Honest In many non-emergency situations, being direct — like bluntly criticizing someone — is about as effective as throw- ing somebody a fruit basket instead of a life preserver when they're drowning. The problem, as I explain in Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck, is that "criticizing people doesn't make them change; it makes them want to clobber you." Because of a lack of software up- dates to our body's ancient fight-or-flight system, we respond to a verbal attack with the same super- charged biochemical ammo we would if we were attacked by some sharp-fanged thing looking to turn our left eyeball into an after-dinner mint. You are right, by the way; your restau- rant table shouldn't start to seem like a bus stop for the waitstaff because your girl- friend's applying Bayes' theorem to wheth- er she'd prefer the chicken to the pasta. But is your ultimate goal hammering her with how right you are or having a relationship? If it's a relationship you're after, you need to keep her fight-or-flight defensiveness from whirring into action by transforming accusations (like "You're rude!") into in- formation (like reasons the term "waiting" shouldn't be taken literally). For example, you could say, "Hey, I know you love good food and don't want to make a bad choice at dinner. But I was thinking that when the server waits for a while at our table, he may feel we don't respect his time, and other customers may feel neglected and leave him a crappy tip." By asking her to sympathize with the waiter instead of telling her what a jerk she's been, you help her stay cool enough in the head to consider potential solutions — like doing a little online menu recon before hitting the restaurant. If you both start sending criticisms up for processing to the kindness and tact department, you could get in the habit of "accepting influence" from each other — listening to each other and becoming better individually and to- gether — a practice marriage researcher John Gottman sees in the happiest, most stable relationships. Think of this as living the dream — the one where your relation- ship is a safe place to expose the real you (as opposed to that dream where you're back in 10th grade standing naked in front of the school assembly just as your mom starts reading your diary over the PA). WEEKLY HOROSCOPES NEWS OF THE WEIRD by CHUCK SHEPPARD The Osiligi Maasai Warrior choir, from Kenya, in ornate, mystifying native costumes and uncalled-for headdresses, happened to be touring the U.K. this fall, coinciding with the recent Paris Fashion Week in which the most celebrated designers from the developed world exhibited their wares, which often seemed as excessive as the Maasais'. Examples: Rei Kawakubo's "Blood and Roses," a red KKK-type swaddling robe with face-obscuring, pointy hood. Sarah Burton's skirt of oversized petals, accessorized with skull cap and chin strap. Junya Watanabe's dress with huge plastic puff sleeves of red and blue — and vinyl see-through helmet. Julie de Libran's gown with earmuff-like chest coverings. The week ended with a street march of "Chanel girls" (most, Caucasian) dressed as garishly as the African Maasais. (Bonus: Some designers delightfully offered explanations of their often-inexplicable works.) [New York Times, 10-1-2014; Washington Post, 10- 1-2014; CNN, 10-3-2014] Government in Action Oops: The Rural Municipality of Hanover, Manitoba, has prohibited alcohol sales for more than a century — or at least that's what everyone in the community believed as recently as 2006 when the last attempt was made to repeal the ban (and failed by 30 votes). However, town officials finally decided recently to research the prohibition (examining records back to 1880) and in July revealed, astonishingly, that no city bylaw exists making the town dry. At least one restaurateur is expected to start serving booze soon. [Canadian Press via National Post, 7-24-2014] In August, Katja Kipping, the leader of Germany's largest opposition party (the liberal Die Linke), proposed to grant all welfare families a cash voucher of the equivalent of about $640 in order to allow each a summer vacation. "For me," she said, "the holidays of my childhood are among the most beautiful memories," and she is saddened that "3 million children this summer cannot experience what a holiday means." [Daily Telegraph (London), 8-11-2014] Wait, What! In October in Gresham, Oregon, a 21-year-old man openly carrying a handgun he had just bought was robbed, at gunpoint, the same day. According to the police report, the robber apparently thought the victim's gun was nicer than his own: "I like your gun. Give it to me." [KPTV (Portland), 10-7-2014] ARIES - Mar 21/Apr 20 Conflicting messages confuse you this week, Aries. Just don't let this confusion keep you from doing what you think is right. Choose a course and stick with it. TAURUS - Apr 21/May 21 Don't be too hard on yourself this week, Taurus. You really do not need to push yourself unless you are feeling motivated to do so. If you feel like relaxing, so be it. GEMINI - May 22/Jun 21 Gemini, stick to the outskirts of the room and be a quiet observer of what's going on around you instead of being the center of attention. You may enjoy being a fly on the wall for a change. CANCER - Jun 22/Jul 22 Cancer, this week you may feel an unusual need to be noticed and appreciated by others. Embrace the spotlight and make the most of this opportunity to share your thoughts. LEO - Jul 23/Aug 23 Leo, you may find it hard to establish your priorities this week, but you have a good head on your shoulders and will figure out the path to take. Give yourself a chance to have fun. VIRGO - Aug 24/Sept 22 Virgo, do the right thing even if it costs you something emotionally. Your actions may be carefully monitored, and someone is learning by your example. LIBRA - Sept 23/Oct 23 Libra, try your hardest to make a tricky set of circumstances work to your advantage. Working with a partner is a great way to get things done. SCORPIO - Oct 24/Nov 22 Scorpio, you are better at dealing with things when they're out in the light of day. You don't like to be secretive, nor do you like the idea of others keeping secrets. SAGITTARIUS - Nov 23/Dec 21 Sagittarius, do not look at a current problem as something that will always block your success and happiness. Instead, use this obstacle as a way to get your bearings. CAPRICORN - Dec 22/Jan 20 Capricorn, though you may feel like lashing out at others, this week you show an impressive amount of self-restraint. Get through the week, and things will turn around. AQUARIUS - Jan 21/Feb 18 The messages you are receiving from everyone around you seem mottled and mixed, Aquarius. Instead of socializing with others, maybe you just need some alone time. PISCES - Feb 19/Mar 20 Pisces, speak up if you do not feel you are receiving enough emotional support from your closest allies. Maybe they do not know how you're feeling. Amy Alkon Chuck Sheppard IN THE MORNING Weekdays 5:30AM to 10:00AM