Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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6 UCW DECEMBER 1-7, 2021 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM OPINION No small potatoes by PITT DICKEY What can you say about a 17-pound potato named Doug? at he was beauti- ful? at Doug loved Mozart and Bach? at he would make a lot of vodka? Who knows if a Big Potato loves music? To find out the truth, Mr. Science went all the way to New Zealand to investigate the strange case of the world's largest potato. An excel- lent article in e Guardian by Eva Corlett brought Doug to the attention of the world. Once upon a time, Colin & Donna Brown lived a quiet life in Hamilton, New Zealand puttering their days away in their garden. e greatest problem they faced was keeping Peter Rabbit away from their carrots in the manner of Mr. McGregor. Unbeknownst to them, Colin was about to make a discovery that would bring them to the attention of the world. Colin was weeding his garden when his hoe hit something large and solid underground. Colin had struck Doug. Ms. Corlett's article reports Colin said: "Donna this must be one of those white sweet potatoes that we grew because some of them grow massive out here." After giving the object the old taste test, Collin realized he had unearthed a giant white potato. What do you do with a giant potato? You give him a name that suits his personality. us, Doug the Giant Potato was chris- tened. Colin said: "We put a hat on him. We put him on Facebook, taking him for a walk, giving him some sunshine. It's all a bit of fun. It's amazing what entertains people. It's fair to say our veggie garden can get a bit feral. ere are some parts of the garden you need to pack a lunch and advise your next of kin before heading to." Colin reports they had not planted potatoes for two or three years deepening the mystery of Doug's origin. Could Doug have been seeded by aliens like the pods in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"? Was Doug part of an interstellar plot to take over the Earth one French Fry at a time? e potato soup thickens. Might Doug be the vanguard of an army of giant intelligent tubers bent on seeking revenge against humanity for the transmogrifica- tion of millions of their Earthly relatives into potato chips, hash browns, mashed potatoes, twice-baked potatoes, boiled potatoes, potato casserole, baked gnoc- chi, tater tots, Shepherd's pie or potatoes au gratin?Ponder the facts about potato consumption and beware. If there are intelligent Space Alien Potatoes across the universe it's easy to see why they would consider the Earth to be the archenemy of potatoes. e National Potato Council reports that in 2020 about 42.7 billion pounds of potatoes were produced and eaten each year. at is no small potatoes. If Intelligent Space Potatoes are able to get those potatoes to unite and throw off their chains, no human is safe. We are all doomed to fall to an attack of Killer Potatoes. But there is hope. e Guinness Book of World Records reports that the largest pre- Doug potato was found in England in 2011 weighing about 10 pounds. Doug is clearly the King of Potatoes. Fortunately, Doug at this point seems content to amuse New Zealanders and not take over the world. Humanity's best bet to stave off Killer Po- tatoes is appeasement by recognizing their accomplishments to show we can be their friends. Consider some of the great potatoes of history: Mr. Potato Head reigned supreme as a toy in the 1950s. e most famous dog in beer ad history was the late great Spuds MacKenzie. Every August 19th is National Potato Day. Great days in potato history include 2000 BC when the Incas first planted potatoes as a crop. omas Jefferson first served french fried potatoes in the White House in 1802. In 1885 Van Gogh painted his famous pic- ture e Potato Eaters immortalizing the role that potatoes play in nutrition. In 1995 NASA launched potatoes into orbit making them the first veggies grown in space. e list goes on and on. But if flattering potatoes doesn't work, Doug and Donna have saved the Earth. ey wrapped Doug in plastic to preserve him and plan on making him into vodka. PITT DICKEY, Columnist. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. 910-484-6200. Owned & Operated by TWO BROTHERS Catering I n t i m on y a t T h e V i n e P riva te • R o m a n tic • A f f o rd ab le C u st o m C a teri n g by T w o B r o t h ers Intimony at THE VINE Event Venue Wedding Packages Meeting & Party Facilities CALL 910-584-9892 to host your event CALL 910-584-9892 eVineNC.com or TwoBrothersCateringNC.com 806 Katie Street Fayetteville NC (Of f Owen Drive behind O-Reilly's) M areena & J a m es