Up & Coming Weekly

January 15, 2019

Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.

Issue link: http://www.epageflip.net/i/1071566

Contents of this Issue


Page 6 of 28

6 UCW JANUARY 16-22, 2019 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM one year special $ 15 for UP & CoMING WEEKLY rEadErs oNLY you save 89% off Tv GuIDe MaGaZINe Get A GreAt DeAL from tV GuiDe mAGAzine start Your subscription online, By Mail or Call online: tvguidemagazine.com/newsoffer mail: complete order form below call: 1-800-365-1940 WHeN CaLLING use PRoMo: K6fNsWPZZ Every issue delivers inside scoop on your favorite shows Breaking news keeps you in the know Highlights help guide you to what's worth watching Your favorite stars take you behind the scenes 28 Pages of easy-to-use primetime listings GrEaT rEasoNs To sTarT YoUr sUBsCrIPTIoN A salute to the slow loris by PITT DICKEY OPINION What is so rare as a slow loris in June? Would a slow loris by any other name smell as sweet? Today, we shall journey down a zoological rabbit hole to visit our old friend, the slow loris. As we all know, Loris is a small town in South Carolina, which stands between Fayetteville and Myrtle Beach. e slow loris is a lemur-like critter that has nothing to do with South Carolina. e slow lo- ris is a native of South Asia. Befitting its name, the slow loris spends most of his day curled up in a ball sleeping in a tree, waiting for night to fall. is behavior is reminiscent of a congressman or a member of the North Carolina General Assembly waiting for free food at a buffet sponsored by a corporate lobbyist. Like our legislative representatives, the slow loris waits until night to eat. It is unclear if the slow lorises were labeled when young and placed in special education classes. No slow loris ever had an Indi- vidualized Education Program. e slow loris likely got its name in reference to his lack of physical speed. He is a little guy, weighing from about 7 ounces to 2 pounds. e slow loris, or SloLo as his friends call him, will eat anything — fruits, leaves, vegetables, small birds and little reptiles. To call SloLo by his scientific name, you would refer to him as a nocturnal strepsirrhine pri- mate. Try saying nocturnal strepsirrhine primate three times fast. Go ahead. I'll wait. Not easy, is it? at's why his buddies call him SloLo. It's easier to say. SloLo has tiny little hands like America's own Dear Very Stable Genius Leader. SloLo is armed with fingers that allow him to grasp tree branches to hang around for long periods. He avoids falling on the jungle floor where bad things might happen to him. e dandy thing about SloLo is, despite being the size of an hors d'oeuvre, larger predators give him great respect and don't eat him. Why don't they eat him, you ask? He's slow, tiny and sleeps during the day, making him an easy target. Despite the difficult hand dealt to SloLo by Mother Nature, he prevails. SloLo has a super power. His tiny little teeth are toxic. He is the only poisonous primate. Despite his cute appearance and yearning eyes, he can poison you with a bite. He has grooved teeth that let him hold poison in his mouth — the better to chomp you. He stores his venom in glands in his elbows. He slurps down on his elbows, and his saliva, like the acti- vated charcoal in Kent cigarettes, causes the venom to burst into full nastiness. e better to bite you with, my dear. Mamma SloLo licks her elbows to gather venom. She then licks it all over the baby SloLo, grooming him with poison. e other jungle critters know that if they eat a baby SloLo, they will get a case of gastro esopha- geal reflux that would send them to the jungle Emer- gency Room — if there were an ER in the jungle. Since the predators don't have Blue Cross, the baby SloLos can pass their childhood essentially uneaten. SloLos do have a few enemies. Snakes and orang- utans have a taste for SloLo toxin, but the other bad guys know them and leave them alone. A threatened SloLo goes into the freeze mode, remain- ing still until the danger passes. Unfortunately, the local human population believes SloLos have supernatural powers that can ward off evil spirits and heal the sick. is leads to SloLos being hunted by humans. As the SloLo freezes when frightened, catch- ing them is akin to shooting fish in a barrel. Not very sporting, but very easy. It remains to be seen if a fast loris exists. We hope for no fast lorises. Consider zombies. e vast majority of zombies are slow and lumbering like those portrayed in "e Walking Dead." Most people can outrun zombies. Unfortunately, there is a genus of zombies who can run as shown in the movies "28 Days" and "28 Days Later." If chased by a running zombie, most people will end up as zom- bie chow, as zombies never get winded because they don't breathe. If there are fast lorises, the poisonous tooth would be on the other foot as the fast loris could catch and bite the natives who are killing its cousin, the slow loris. So, have we learned anything today? Once again, probably nothing. Better luck next time. However, if Shakespeare had ever met a slow loris, literary history would have been changed. Consider the plays he would have written: "All's Well that Ends with a Slow Loris Bite," "Slow Loris Labor's Lost," "Merry Wives of Slow Loris," "Much Ado about Slow Lorises," "Taming of the Slow Loris" and "A Midsummer Night's Slow Loris." As Mitch Miller once sang, "Be kind to your poisonous primates in the swamp, for a slow loris may be somebody's mother." PITT DICKEY, Columnist. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. 910-484-6200. As the SloLo freezes when frightened, catching them is akin to shooting fish in a barrel. Illustration by Samuel Jedidiah Heble: www.SamuelJedidiahHeble.com

Articles in this issue

Links on this page

Archives of this issue

view archives of Up & Coming Weekly - January 15, 2019