Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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Just Like Cotton Candy Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (Rated PG-13) A NO-HOLDS-BARRED SMASH HIT! THE NEW-YORKER by HEATHER GRIFFITHS "A MAD PLEASURE OF A SHOW! Sublime silliness still reigns!" -John Heilpern, The New York Observer Previously: Bella (Kristen Stewart) failed to emote anything, ever. Edward (Robert Pattison) spent more money on his hair than I spend on food per year. Stupid vampires sparkled stupidly. Jacob (Taylor Lautner) was affected by Megan's Law. Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy) won the stupidest name of the year award while simultaneously serving as a poster child for the pro-life movement. So, I am often given sympathetic glances when I shamefacedly reveal to movie ticket sellers that I am there to review one of the Twilight movies. Sometimes, with a horrified expression, they ask if I like that kind of movie. My reply is usually that I like making fun of them. Really, I don't suppose there's anything wrong with the films except the fact that they actually promote abusive unhealthy relationships. Breaking Dawn Part 2 (115 minutes) wasn't terrible to sit through. It is definitely a cotton-candy movie though. By that I mean sweet and delicious once in a while, sickening if you eat more than a little bit, and it disappears if you throw water on it. There is absolutely no substance to this. I'd say about half the movie was devoted to narrating the rogue's gallery of vampires that show up to "bear witness" and most of the other half involved, well, I can't actually remember. All in all, there's about 15 minutes of actual content in the whole thing. We open with Bella attempting to chase down and eat Bambi. Luckily for Bambi, a predator enters the forest so Bella eats that instead. Then some guy climbing a cliff without a safety buddy cuts his arm and Bella decides to eat him. But then she doesn't! Wow, that was a tense scene! Edward then escorts his child bride back to stately Cullen Manor where their friends and family imply that Bella might eat her baby. She doesn't, but she does find out that Jacob has imprinted on Renesmee in a not at all creepy way. This irritates Bella, so she sends Jacob off to register on a sex offender website and begins thinking about how to tell her father (Billie Burke) she is dead. Naturally that doesn't go as planned so he gets to meet his "adopted" granddaughter. I wonder if her accelerated growth from newborn to preadolescent within only a few months will make him suspicious? No? Well I guess I know where Bella got her brains from then. They all live happily ever after until Irina (Maggie Grace) shows up just in time to see something and jump to the conclusion that Renesmee is a child vampire like Claudia in Interview with a Vampire and tattle to the Volturi. Soon after, Alice (Ashley Green) has a vision about the Volturi coming to get them when the snow sticks to the ground, and since vampires don't use phones, none of the Cullen Brain Trust thinks it's worthwhile to buzz their cells with an explanatory text message. Thus begins the fuzzy timeline portion of our movie. First, Alice pinpoints the moment of the Volturi's arrival as when the snow sticks to the ground. In the American Northwest, isn't that around October? Yet come Christmas there is no sign of the vampire police. Second, since Irina ran right to the Volturi with a warning about a sociopathic vampire child poised to ignore the masquerade rules why would they hesitate even a moment? Third, it is established that they are just looking for a reason to descend on the Cullen family and seduce Alice to the Dark Side. If they already know that baby vamp is a human vampire hybrid, why wait? There is nice little scene at the end that manages to rise above the shoddy material, but anyone dragged to the film against their will should probably bring a pillow to nap on. Now showing at Wynnsong 7, HEATHER GRIFFITHS, Contributing Carmike 12 and Carmike Market Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@upandFair 15. comingweekly.com. WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM SPAM is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods,LLC, used with permission here January 15 8:00 p.m. (Military Night Special) www.montypythonsspamalot.com 63$0$/27 35,17 $' ,PDJH 7ULPPHG $UHD µ [ µ /RFDO ,PSULQW $UHD µ [ µ OD\RXW E\ VWHYHQ ELVKRS & 0 Advertising to Grow Your Business )RU HIIHFWLYH DGYHUWLVLQJ FDOO WRGD\ www.upandcomingweekly.com DECEMBER 12-18, 2012 UCW 21