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Voting Wars on Tap In every column's life, there is a brief but golden moment between the day the column hits the news stand in its bright and shiny butterfl y stage and when it molts into fi sh wrap. In theory, when this column arrives on Nov. 7 we will have elected a president. Our long national quadrennial nightmare of political advertising should have come to an end. It is a consummation devoutly to be wished. All should be sweetness and light as Republicans, Democrats and Libertarians all link arms and sing "Kum Ba Ya" uniting behind whoever was elected president on Tuesday. But it ain't gonna happen. Not because the country is almost evenly divided between political Sunnis and Shiites who couldn't agree that Carolina Blue is the prettiest color ever devised. Nope, the reason that we won't all be linking arms is because we won't have a winner of the presidential election. If you liked the Florida hanging chads of 2000, you are really going to love the multiple metastasized barbaric yawps from both sides screaming voter fraud on behalf of their candidate. We will have more states involved in Vote Counting Wars than fl eas on a dog. As Mr. Burns once said on The Simpsons, "Unleash the hounds!" This time the battle cry will be "Unleash the Lawyers!" by PITT DICKEY judges. After the attorneys' Brown Nose Syndrome mutated across inter species lines, it manifested itself in bats as White Nose Syndrome. There is still some dispute among biologists as to whether attorneys are actually a species of humans but that debate is for another day. The attorneys will come out of their caves spouting their usual chatter that they are Outraged!, Shocked! and Saddened! by the violation of their candidate's rights. They will be appalled at the rate of $700 an hour at the terrible things the other side has done to expand our sacred rite of election fraud. The fussing from the lawyers, candidates and cable talking heads will continue until the Supreme Court once again votes 5 to 4 to appoint a Republican President in January 2013. The yowling nightmare before Christmas will be intense. Anticipating the rabid spewing and frothing of the Talking Heads on television and talk radio during the coming Vote Counting Wars; I am reminded of a conversation I heard this summer. A mother and her two cranky pre-school children were in the Each side has stashed legions of legal eagles in bat caves across the U.S.A. For months, thousands of Republican and Democratic lawyers have been hanging upside down in caves with IV drips of Red Bull and steroids fl owing into their veins to stoke them up for the coming Vote Counting Wars. The lawyers are pale, over-caffeinated and ready to sue. As you are aware there has been a terrible outbreak of White Nose Syndrome that killed off more than 5 million bats in America in the last few years. A yucky white fungus grows around the noses and wings of hibernating bats which ultimately leads to the bats' death. The cause of White Nose Syndrome was originally thought to be a mysterious fungus called Geomyces Destructans. Remarkably similar reports on Fox News and MSNBC revealed that the real cause of White Nose Syndrome in bats is due to the bats' constant exposure to cold-blooded, upside down lawyers hanging next to them. The attorneys were waiting for their moment after the election to arise and sue. Many lawyers have a condition called Brown Nose Syndrome from constantly buttering up Child One: "I wasn't howling!" Howling Child Two: "I wasn't howling either!" Mom: "Well, it sounded like howling." The coming Presidential Vote Counting Wars may sound like howling to some of us. But not to the howlers involved. They are paid to be shocked and saddened. And shocked and saddened they shall be. Professional mourners outraged at the drop of a dollar, they will be in full fuss mode. To them, the din of the election aftermath will be the sweet, sweet sound of attorney fees and advertising dollars pouring into media outlets. As we know, it isn't important how people vote. The important thing is who counts the votes. Let the royal rumpus begin! If the election actually produces a winner on Wednesday, kindly use this column for fi sh wrap Thursday. PITT DICKEY, Columnist. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomingweekly.com Metropolitan Museum. The children were not highly impressed with the Met. Mom: "Whoever is howling, please stop." Howling American Girl Fashion Show® Open Model Calls The Child Advocacy Center will host the Sixth Annual American Girl Fashion Show® on March 23 & 24, 2013 at the Crown Center Ballroom in Fayetteville. Girls and their parents are invited to Open Model Calls to be held on: • NOV. 10 - North Regional Library at 855 McArthur Rd. - 9:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. • DEC. 1 - East Regional Library at 4809 Clinton Rd. - 9:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. • DEC. 8 - Cumberland County Headquarters Library at 300 Maiden Ln. - 9:30 a.m. - 12:30 p.m. Interested girls and their parents may come to a session anytime between the scheduled hours. The American Girl Fashion Show committee is looking for a diverse group of models who look like the historical dolls and wear size 6-6X or 10. Models will participate in fundraising for the event. For more information, please call the Child Advocacy Center at 910-486-9700 or please visit our website at www.childadvocacycenter.com 6 UCW NOVEMBER 7-13, 2012 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM