Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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6 UCW MAY 10-16, 2017 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Just when you think things can't get any more fun around the White House, e Donald invites Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte to visit the Oval Office to chew the fat and the curtains. President Rod is famous for killing his own citizens in his war on drugs. Rod promised to pardon himself and his police officers for murdering anyone accused or suspected of using or selling drugs. Nice guy, Rod. Continuing his charm offensive with the world's dictators, e Donald just called North Korea's Kook for Life, Kim Jong-un, a smart cookie and allowed that he would be honored to meet Kim. Kim is famous for his creative ways of killing people, particularly relatives who might pose a threat to his reign. Kim has terminated his uncle and a passel of high ranking North Korean military officials with an anti-aircraft gun. Like Munchkins and the Wicked Witch of the East, Kim wants his enemies undeniably and reliably dead, not only merely dead, but really, most sincerely dead. Better put plastic on all the White House furniture when Kim comes for dinner. Blood stains are really hard to get out of antique furniture. e Donald has been delivering more than his usual number of odd statements recently. He is causing concern that the elevator in the White House no longer goes all the way to the top floor. Some people are sayin' instead of draining the DC swamp, e Donald is working on a financial plan prepared by his Wall Street buddies to make the United States a wholly owned joint venture subsidiary of Goldman Sachs and Rosneft, the Russian state-owned oil company. Rumors that the new name of the United States will be Putonia remain unfounded. e bloom seems to be going off the rose with e Donald's bromance with Vlad Putin. It's sad to see a good love die. Putin may want his election support back. e Donald has turned his back on his American supporters, so it should not come as any great surprise he would turn his back on his Russian sugar daddy. In the latest edition of As the White House Turns, e Donald seems to believe he is channeling former President Andrew Jackson. According to Henry Kissinger, Richard Nixon in his last days in the White House wandered the halls talking to the pictures of former Presidents. No word yet on whether e Donald is talking to the portrait of Andrew Jackson in the Oval Office. One can only hope that Old Hickory will give e Donald some good advice when that conversation starts. e Donald recently stated that our first psychic president, Andrew Jackson, was angry about the Civil War even though Andy was pushing up daisies 16 years before the war started. Quote e Donald: "He was really angry that — he saw what was happening with regard to the Civil War. He said, 'ere is no reason for this.'" e Donald went on to ask "Why was there a Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?" Excellent question, sir. e job of the President is to inspire the country to ask questions that should be asked even if the questions display a touch of early onset age-related confusion. In a failed attempt to find humor in this particular jugular vein, I am inspired to ask more questions that e Donald may pose along the road to the Apocalypse. Perhaps a special Presidential Commission on Unasked Questions can be appointed to consider these issues: Why isn't down up? Why isn't Red Dye Number 2 a vegetable? Why aren't worms space stations? Why aren't tornados goldfish? Why isn't diabetes a European country? Who put the bop in the bop she bop she bop? Why aren't trees clocks? Why isn't wet dry? Why aren't rocks made of sponge cake? Why isn't the truth lies? Why aren't alternative facts an Olympic sport? Why isn't left right? Why do fools fall in love? What happened to my missing sock? Why are cats psychotic? Why did Hillary think she could get away with a private email server? Why would anyone put anchovies on a perfectly good pizza? Who would think running with the bulls in Pamplona is a good idea? Why are starfish in the ocean instead of the sky? Why aren't dogs cats? Who let the dogs out? Why don't we do it in the road? Why don't we order up a bowl of chili? Who killed the Mocking Bird? What made Gatsby so great? Why did Atlas shrug? Would Welbutrin have helped Les Miserables? As our last question for the Presidential Commission: For whom is the bell tolling? PITT DICKEY, Columnist.. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. 910.484.6200. 484-6200 www.upandcomingweekly.com Turn to our calendar every Wednesday and see what's happening! Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? by PITT DICKEY OPINION A fine party, indeed: Rodrigo Duterte, Kim Jong-un, Vladimir Putin, President Donald Trump