Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/685698
JUNE 1-7, 2016 UCW 25 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Some otherwise excellent actors were held hostage and forced to star in a vile bit of nonsense called The Darkness (92 minutes). I am pretty sure they were blinking "save me" in Morse Code through most of their scenes. If The Darkness was a candy, it would be a vomit-flavored jelly bean. If itwas a meal, it would be rancid dog food. If it was a sequel, it would be Godfather III. But I digress. Please, allow me to elucidate. Peter (Kevin Bacon) and Bronny (Radha Mitchell) are vacationing with their kids Stephanie (Lucy Fry) and Mikey (David Mazouz) in the Grand Canyon. The children search the canyon in vain for a way out of the movie. They discover a plot advancing, cave-filled with the ever-popular evil spirit animals of the Anasazi. These spirits used to be good, but turned evil after seeing how cigarette companies appropriated their culture to sell American Spirit brand cancer sticks and heard Cher sing the song "Half-Breed." When they realize how terrible this movie is, they will be even crankier. Up until this point in the film I was holding out hope that something interesting would happen, since these low-budget Blumhouse films usually manage to entertain me, even if they don't make much sense. But when the next scene involves such terrifying mysteries as a faucet that turns itself on and a bad smell that cannot be located, I start wondering just how unwatchable this is going to get. Pretty unwatchable, as it turns out. Apparently the writers (may they be stuck behind someone going five miles under the speed limit every time they drive) spun the Wheel of Personality Traits to flesh out the characters. For Stephanie they settled on "Eating Disorder" with a sprinkling of "Irrational Hatred of Mother" and for Mikey they went with "Quirky Behavior That Implies He Falls Somewhere on the Autism Spectrum." Peter got "Womanizer" and Bronny got "Alcoholic." It's all downhill from here folks. Ghosts leave black handprints all over everything and manifest as animals. Mean animals set things on fire. Every "scare" is accompanied by a loud noise, so the audience knows which parts to react to. Then, Mikey attempts to kill his grandmother's cat. It is implied that the Anasazi spirits are behind it, but given the desperation in that young man's eyes, I'm thinking he was trying to Section 8 himself out of the film. Right around this point the writers stopped pretending their movie differed in any significant way from every other crappy horror movie and I stopped pretending to care what was going on. Feel free to bet your movie loving friends that they won't be able to remember anything beyond the vaguest details of the plot five minutes after watching it — the true cinephile's brain will defend itself by erasing any memories of what took place as soon as they walk out of the theater. Now playing at Patriot 14 + IMAX. Noisy Is Not the Same as Scary The Darkness (Rated PG-13) by HEATHER GRIFFITHS All Seats All Shows All Day $1.50 "Except Holidays & 3D Movies" $1.50 Drink $1.50 Popcorn BUY ONE MOVIE TICKET GET ONE FREE! Expries 7/1/16 MOVIE MONDAYS everyday special Please visit our website for movies and show times Doors open at 6:30 pm 1 st show & 9:30 pm 2 nd show Featuring a Meet & Greet with Norman Connors Advance tickets $60 per person - $65 at the door Advance tickets are available on Eventbrite.com & www.michellesjazzcomedyent.com For tickets or more information call (910) 302-8809 Ticket includes one-drink & complimentary appetizers T h e 1 00 % Outr ag e ou s Clean Comedy Show Clean Comedy Show Tickets $35 - $195 for VIP Tickets $35 - $195 for VIP Embassy Suites Hotel Ballroom Fayetteville, NC Doors open @ 6:30PM Show starts @ 7PM Embassy Suites Hotel Ballroom Fayetteville, NC Doors open @ 6:30PM Show starts @ 7PM special guest willie bradley HEATHER GRIFFITHS, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@ upandcomingweekly.com. 910.484.6200.