Up & Coming Weekly

May 10, 2016

Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.

Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/678114

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Page 23 of 28

MAY 11-17, 2016 UCW 23 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM ADVICE GODDESS The Bleh Lagoon I'm a guy in my late 20s. Two years ago, I started a friends-with-benefits thing with a woman, which honestly has turned into one of the most relaxed, comfortable relationships I've had. Unfortunately, the sex isn't that great. I've tried to get her to work with me on that, but she just isn't very physical. I also get the sense that she's holding out for a serious relationship with me (babies/marriage/house). I'm just not in love with her that way. I don't want to hijack her uterus, but I'm having trouble breaking up with her. The relationship isn't broken, and I don't want to hurt her. I'm not sure I have it in me to say, "You're bad in bed, so I'm out." — Shallow The rational decision is clear: You don't have what you need; you should move on. The problem is what the late Nobel Prize-winning cognitive scientist Herbert Simon deemed "bounded rationality." This describes how our ability to make rational decisions is limited — by, for example, incomplete information about our alternatives, how much time we have to decide, or, as in your case, our emotions: dreading hurting somebody and feeling like kind of a pig for dumping a perfectly nice woman just because her sexual spirit animal is the paperweight. Simon didn't just point out the decision- making problem; he came up with a solution — his concept of "satisficing." This combo of "satisfy" and "suffice" means making a "good enough" choice — as opposed to incurring the costs of endlessly searching for the best choice. (Think of somebody who spends an hour looking for the primo parking space by the store entrance — in order to save time walking to and from their car.) To decide what's "good enough," figure out the minimum stuff (good sex, etc.) that you absolutely must have to be satisfied in a relationship, and keep searching until you find somebody who has it. Forget about what you "should" need. If your life is not complete unless a woman will, say, wear a doorbell on each nipple, well, ring on, bro. As for breaking up, this means telling somebody it's over, not that their sexual technique is a ringer for hibernation. Give her only as much info as she needs to make her way to the door, like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you, and I need that." Though she won't be happy to hear it, what's cruel isn't telling her; it's waiting to tell her. As that mildewed saying goes, "if you love something …" don't hang on to it until its uterus sends you to the drugstore for a box of mothballs. Copyright Amy Alkon WEEKLY HOROSCOPES NEWS OF THE WEIRD by CHUCK SHEPPARD One notably hypersuccessful YouTube channel (700,000 subscribers) features Mr. Lauri Vuohensilta of Finland pulverizing various objects (such as a bowling ball) in a 100-ton hydraulic press. (Said Vuohensilta, "I think it's built into every person — the need to destroy something.") That channel is free of charge, but other entrepreneurs have created 24-hour pay-per-month websites and apps offering similarly specialized programming, e.g., "Zombie Go Boom" (actors taking chain saws to things; $5 a month), "Hungry Monk Yoga" (posing in orange robes while teaching martial arts; $15 a month) and "Lather Fantasies" (clothed people "excessively shampooing each other's hair"; $20 a month). (An April Wall Street Journal report noted that the "lather" channel "sounds kinkier than it actually is.") [Washington Post, 4-19- 2016] [Wall Street Journal, 4-13-2016] Recurring Themes (Recent examples of traditional weird news themes repeated over News of the Weird's 28 years, along with updates on a few of our favorite characters.) Restaurants in Tokyo continue their vigilance for unique, attention-demanding animal themes to attract diners. Eateries showcasing tableside cats, rabbits, owls, hawks and even snakes have tried their hands, with the latest being Harry, offering food and drink — and 20 to 30 teacup- size hedgehogs for diners to fondle while awaiting meal service. The equivalent of $9 brings an hour of cuddling rights. [Reuters via The Guardian (London), 4-7-2016] Fine Points of the Law: In some states, as News of the Weird has reported, visitors with the barest "right" to occupy property (e.g., invited in for one night but never left) cannot be evicted except by court order, which might take weeks to obtain. In April, owners in Flint, Michigan, and Nampa, Idaho, were outraged that nothing could be done quickly to remove squatters from their vacated houses. (The Nampa squatter produced a "lease" that, though fraudulent, was enough to send the sheriff away.) [WJRT-TV (Flint), 4-6-2016] [KIVI-TV (Boise), 4-11-2016] The two most recent instances of suspects who claimed that the drugs or paraphernalia found in their genitals during police searches were not theirs (but were only being stored there for other people) were Tiffany Flores, 23, arrested in Fellsmere, Florida, on April 5 with a crack pipe in her vagina, and Deondre Lumpkin, 23, arrested in Largo, Florida, on March 22 with crack cocaine "concealed beneath his genitals" (though he did admit owning the marijuana found in his car). [The Smoking Gun, 4-6-2016] [The Smoking Gun, 3-26-2016] COPYRIGHT CHUCK SHEPPARD ARIES - Mar 21/Apr 20 A restless spirit is the catalyst for a new project, Aries. This week you dive right into something that will take up all of your mental energy. Try to avoid slacking off in other areas. TAURUS - Apr 21/May 21 Taurus, thanks to your hectic schedule, achieving lofty goals this week may be a stretch, so aim for something a little more manageable and celebrate the achievement. GEMINI - May 22/Jun 21 Gemini, though you may be content to remain out of the spotlight most of the time, when you engage with others, you really can show just how compelling you are. CANCER - Jun 22/Jul 22 You may be expected to step up and care for people all of the time, but this week you're the one who needs some special attention, Cancer. All you have to do is reach out for assistance. LEO - Jul 23/Aug 23 Leo, you have many good reasons to throw caution to the wind this week, but you may have to reign in your adventurous spirit just a little bit. You're an example to others. VIRGO - Aug 24/Sept 22 Listen carefully to your intuition this week, Virgo. Most of the time you can trust that little voice more than outside influences. Focus on your dreams for a bit. LIBRA - Sept 23/Oct 23 Libra, when things become complicated, you're the person people often seek to iron out the situation. You have a way of quickly getting to the root of a problem. SCORPIO - Oct 24/Nov 22 Scorpio, even though you normally think cooly and collectedly, this week you may be at the end of your rope. Book some time for a little R&R to recharge your batteries. SAGITTARIUS - Nov 23/Dec 21 Sagittarius, positive encounters, including an unexpected meeting with an old friend, could make for an interesting week. Your social life is booming. CAPRICORN - Dec 22/Jan 20 Capricorn, you have a measured and methodical approach to your goals. This week, though, your sense of fun may take over and steer you off course. AQUARIUS - Jan 21/Feb 18 Consider your words before sharing your perspective, Aquarius. You do not want to hurt anyone's feelings, even if what you have to say is the truth. Word things carefully. PISCES - Feb 19/Mar 20 Your self-esteem soars this week when you go out of your way to put others' needs before your own. Act from your heart, Pisces. Amy Alkon

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