North Bay Woman

NBW April 2014

North Bay Woman Magazine

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38 NORTH BAY WOMAN | S P R I N G 2 0 1 4 and flour parts. It's something divine, a beautiful image for a blended family. Though you "can't legislate love," says Dr. Torres, "you can design family expectations. You and your spouse need to be on the same page with seemingly small things like table manners. "A family doesn't work as a group of leaderless peers." Healthy boundaries are essential. If your dinner table comfort level means no texting that needs to be agreed upon with your spouse before you all sit down. Not as a group meeting over the spaghetti and meatballs. But sharing your lives together doesn't have to be all new rules and expectations. Spend- ing time with your partner's children can be surprisingly enjoyable. Keep in mind the age of the children. Little ones will be happy to do pretty much anything—Train Town or bomboloni at the Ferry Building. Teens will be specific. They probably won't request an activity, but if you're paying attention, you can figure out the most "dope" thing to do. Even after a rocky start blended families can be richer for the experience of getting to know each other. Though Dr. Torres was a bit reluctant to make a list of Dos and Don'ts because "hu- manity is complex and can't be reduced to a template," he did offer these tips for parents navigating the waters of their new roles. 1. Don't go too fast. As with any new relationship, take your time to get to know each other's children. 2. Don't blame the ex-partner about anything—as tempting as it may be after the third late engagement in a row—in front of the children. 3. Don't be uninvolved with the children's lives. 4. Don't take on the role of "new friend" which means avoid the slippery slope of partying with them. 5. Don't take the prickly moments personally. Realize that the genesis of your new relationships with his children came from the love you have for each other. Creating a happy blended family doesn't have to be a struggle and can come from that same place. 1.Do empower each other with all the children. Yours, his, hers, mine and ours. 2. Do insist on respectful treatment. 3. Do create new parental structures that reflect the best of both of you. 4. Do recognize that intact families have the same issues (bedtimes, curfew, belly-button piercing) that blended families have. 5. Do show your feelings and express your affection with your new partner. Remember the croissant. That heavenly pastry requires skill, time, and work. But the labor of love transcends the individual in- gredients to something sublime just like your blended family. ■ "Establishing your new partnership is crucial and though you "can't legislate love," says Dr. Torres, "you can design family expectations." – Dr. Torres Ph.D Photo by Susan Koop

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