North Bay Woman

S P R I N G 2 0 1 4 | NORTH BAY WOMAN 37 By Toni Piccinini "I don't have to listen to you! You're not my Mom!" If you've been on the receiving end of that outburst know that you're not alone. You fell in love and decided to share your lives together, but it's a package deal—cou- ple of kids, the dog, and ex-partner are now your family, too. Love is expansive and your role from Bride to Step-mother swells before the wedding cake is passed out. What kind of role is a step-mother? A crappy one because her reputation precedes her. Centuries of sto- ries tell us that even if she doesn't dress the innocent child in rags, work her to the bone, and confine her to the attic she's still—The Evil Step-Mother. Is the deck stacked against you? Are the children afraid that you want to separate them from their loving parent? They've read the books and seen the movies. Even charming Baroness Scraeder planned to dispatch the singing Austrian kiddies to boarding school. Though it worked out with the nanny, Maria. The 1970s model TV mom, Florence Henderson, and her blended bunch of kids couldn't have been happier. I checked in with a few modern-day girlfriends to hear how things were humming along with their respective clans. "Bob's ex is the Queen Biatch. Always undermining the plans, creating drama around every weekend pick-up and drop-off. If I had known…" my wish-to-be-anonymous friend from Ross tells me. "My kids can't stand his kids. I've just given up trying to make every- one happy. I count the days till they're off to college." Oh, dear. "That image was not my reality," says Heidi Blair of Mill Valley. "I was happy my teenage daughter had someone (her ex-husband's new partner, Annie) to talk to after our divorce. Annie's daughter, Nicole, was like an older sister to Samantha. And it wasn't long before Annie and I became good friends, too. After all, we did have a lot in common." Wow, that's enlightened! So, if Mr. Tolstoy is correct in his claim that "All happy families are alike…" Are all happy blended families alike? Well, in the case of the Von Trapps and the Bradys they share something. The former partner is dead. Imagine. All right enough of that. Let's turn to a pro- fessional. I asked Dr. David Torres, Ph.D., a San Rafael psychologist, "What's a new step-mom to do?" In over twenty-five years of practice he's helped many North Bay families traverse the highs and lows of making a composite family work. "Often divorce is the beginning of the blended family. The one-year mark is a reasonable time to introduce the children to the new partner. Anything sooner places the child in a loyalty bind. In a high-conflict divorce, loyalty to one parent or the other can be an issue even after a much longer period of time," Dr. Torres says. He mentions land- mark studies such as Judith S. Wallerstein's work in the field of divorce and the effects on families. "The children's ages often determine how a new partner will be accepted," he continues and reminds me that "blended" is a baking term. Now that's something I know about. There is magic in the alchemy of mix- ing ingredients in an artful way. A croissant is so much more that the sum of its butter > Stepping up to Happy Step-parenting Customized business coverage. As a small business owner, I understand the importance of tailoring small business coverage to meet your unique needs. Choose small business insurance that's right for you. Get to a better State ® . Get State Farm. CALL ME TODAY. Jennifer Ung State Farm Agent 240 Tamal Vista Blvd., Ste. 155 Corte Madera, CA 94925 (415) 925-0388 Jenn@GotJenn.com www.GotJenn.com • Lic. #0H64894 State Farm Fire and Casualty Company, State Farm General Insurance Company, Bloomington, IL State Farm Florida Insurance Company, Winter Haven, FL State Farm Lloyds, Dallas, TX

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