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2B – Daily News – Monday, January 31, 2011 FEATURES Bigoted brat begets bloodline battle, baleful break Dear Annie: A few years ago, my husband and I moved across the country to help with his aging parents. Everyone welcomed me, with the exception of one niece who has gone out of her way to let me know that I am not part of this family. When this niece visit- ed us as a teenager, she treated me the same way, but I attributed it to her being young. I even sent her money while she was in college and gifts for her birthday and Christ- mas. I thought she would outgrow her aversion to me, but she hasn’t. It may be due to the fact that I am reserved, quiet and not outwardly emotional. Or it could be because I am from a different cul- ture. Some time ago, this niece said something quite hurtful to me in front of my husband, and he took her to task for it, even though I asked him not to. When the girl denied any wrongdoing, her mother believed her, and this has created a rift between my husband and his sister. We are now at the point where she no longer invites us to family functions. I’ve explained to my husband that this is about his niece’s problem with me and doesn’t mean his sister doesn’t love him. But that hasn’t helped him come to terms with the estrangement. His father is dying, and my husband thinks we should move away when his par- ents are gone. I worry that his niece’s prejudice will keep him from ever having a rela- tionship with his sister. I’ve tried to stay out of it and let the family work through these issues themselves, but now I feel I need to talk to them about what they are doing to my husband. Any sug- gestions? — Washington Dear Washington: How sad that this spoiled brat of a niece is destroy- ing her family, and her parents allow it. Your motives are good, but it would be best if your hus- band talked directly to his sister. He should say that he is unhappy that there is an estrangement and ask how to make it better. We hope his sister cares enough to work on it. Dear Annie: I am a young adult with parents who are quite a bit older than me. For the past sev- eral years, I have watched them fall behind the times, particularly when it comes to the clothes they wear. Instead of keep- ing up with mod- ern trends, they wear outfits that were in style 20 years ago. They rarely buy any- thing new. I have bought them nice clothes as gifts, but they still wear the same old stuff. ate piece. A cou- ple of compli- ments and she could be hooked. But if not, don’t force the issue. Annie’s Mailbox This can be embarrassing when we go out or have guests over. I’ve been hinting for years that it’s OK to give some of this stuff away and buy some new pieces, but they ignore me. The way they dress makes them look older than they are. I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Am I being overly critical? — Frus- trated Your parents are comfort- able in their old clothes and see no reason to spend money for the sake of style. Try a different approach. Start with Mom. Tell her she would look 10 years younger if she updated her wardrobe. Take her shop- ping with you, and let the salesperson help her select one age-appropri- by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar Dear Annie: This is in response to ‘‘M,’’ who was concerned that her dentist’s staff was trying to sell her their electric toothbrushes. I have been a Dear Frustrated: dentist for more than 25 years and am very pre- vention-minded. My hygienists use an electric toothbrush only as a last resort for patients who will not or cannot use a regular toothbrush. The person who wrote should run, not walk, from that dentist’s office. They are simply selling products to help their bottom line. — Earl Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailboxcomcast.n et, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. Praise for alcoholism article If readers would like to contact Dr. Gott, they may write him through your newspaper or send their mail directly to Dr. Gott c/o United Media, 200 Madison Ave., 4th fl., New York, NY 10016. However, if readers want to request a newsletter, they should write to the Ohio address. DEAR DR. GOTT: I am writing in regards to your article that appeared in my newspaper on June 26, 2010. A counselor wrote to you asking about her hus- band’s habitual drinking habits. Your response to her was extremely accurate. Your description of the disease and its profound effects on a family was one of the best descriptions I have read outside of the literature that the Al-Anon Family Groups publish. It is truly wonderful to read such a straightforward, honest answer about alco- holism and its effects on the family in our local newspaper. Dr. Peter Gott Unfortunately, the pub- lic is uneducated about alcoholism and relates to the disease, much like this writer, as shameful behav- iors that can be changed “if he loved me enough.” When family members don’t understand the nature of alcoholism, they are prone to go to great lengths to get the alco- holic to stop drinking, as your response suggests. That is when the family members become sick, too, from attempting to battle a disease over which they have no con- trol. I am also encouraged by your response to try Al-Anon. There IS a solution for family mem- bers, and Al-Anon can provide a ray of hope to anyone who walks through the doors of a meeting. In addition to the education about alco- holism and the effects on family members, there are practical solutions to deal with the problems that come with the dis- ease. As a member, I have seen miracles happen within the program. I have witnessed members transform their lives and live happy, fulfilled lives, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Thank you for your response to the counselor. The power of an article can be far-reaching. I hope to see a family mem- ber who is still suffering from the effects of alco- holism show up at one of my Al-Anon meetings. Thank you. DEAR READER: Thank you for the kind remarks. As I am sure you know, alcoholism is a seri- ous problem. An addic- tion to alcohol, certain behaviors, smoking, nar- cotics, illicit drugs, even gambling can have devas- tating consequences, not only to the user but also to the user’s family and friends. I don’t believe that the public is uneducated about alcoholism, sim- ply undereducat- ed. You are cor- rect that there is a certain level of shame that goes along with addic- tion, and this shame often leads those who care to go to extreme lengths to cope with and even hide the problem, which only serves to complicate and worsen the situation. There is no shame in hav- ing an addiction. It truly is a disease; however, it’s one that cannot be cured with pills and exercise. Treatment requires willpower and a desire to get better. It requires changing habits and behaviors, examination of feelings and emotions, and a great deal of hard work. It’s not easy, and for most, it requires making daily (even hourly, in the beginning) choices between what is easy (falling back into the addiction) and what is best (continuing to fight against it). The families of addicts must realize that no matter what they say or do, nothing will change until the addict is ready to make that choice. Covering up the problem and putting up a front doesn’t do any good for anyone involved. There is no shame in addiction, nor is there shame in getting help. There is shame, however, in shame. Readers interested in learning more about alco- hol addiction should visit the websites for Alco- holics Anonymous (AA), Alateen (support for teens) and Al-Anon (sup- port for families): www.AA.org and www .Al- Anon.Alateen.org. Dr. Peter H. Gott is a retired physician and the author of several books, including “Live Longer, Live Better,” “Dr. Gott’s No Flour, No Sugar Diet” and “Dr. Gott’s No Flour, No Sugar Cookbook,” which are available at most bookstores or online. His website is www.AskDrGottMD.com.