Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/226992
4B Daily News – Thursday, December 12, 2013 Is there a war on Christmas? By JEFF EDELSTEIN Good morning troops, I'm Generalissimo San Taclaus, and I'm running the Eastern front in the War on Christmas. We have tough battles ahead; people as powerful, smart and beautiful as Bill O'Reilly and Sarah Palin are on the other side of the trench, selling tens of thousands of books and making millions of dollars convincing the Christians of this fine nation — a full 75 percent of the population — that they're under attack. So listen to me today, and you won't get hurt out there. Let's run down the basics. Of course, we've done great work in the "Merry Christmas" department. We've got people from all races, creeds and religions sometimes saying "Happy Holidays" to one another. That's right: Even nonChristians are getting into the spirit of the season. In fact, we have unconfirmed reports of a Muslim woman wishing a Hindu man "Happy Holidays" at a bus stop in Bayonne, New Jersey. Again, these are unconfirmed reports, but I did want to pass it along. But while "Happy Holidays" is a big step, know it's just the first step. Have you not considered how inappropriate and offensive "Happy Holidays" could be to a non-Christian? Or nonJew? Or New Year's Day denier? Henceforth, I'm calling for an immediate end to uttering the word "holiday." We're going to drop the "holi" and just go with "day." So next time you want to wish someone joy during this late autumn/early winter season, say the following: "Happy Day." Actually, scratch that. Now that I'm thinking about it, many studies show a spike in depression during this time of year. There are plenty of people who would be upset if we wished them a "happy" anything when they are, in fact, not at all happy. So we'll just go with "Day" as the official season's greeting. To be clear: When passing someone in the street and you lock eyes during the next four weeks, grimly acknowledge their existence with a firm nod and say "Day." Moving on. As we all know, calling a "Christmas Tree" a "Christmas Tree" is the highest form of offense. We cannot allow the word "Christmas" to be affixed to any tree, as it's a well-known trees are, in fact, Buddhist. We've made great strides in the "Holiday Tree" department, but again, as outlined earlier, the word "Holiday" can be highly offensive to all manner of people. In addition, specificity is called for. Is it a Fraser Fir? A Scotch Pine? A Colorado Blue Spruce? WE NEED TO KNOW. We will not, cannot, get tripped up here. So going forward, we will call it as we see it. For instance, if you want to commend someone on their choice of tree, you will no longer say "That's a nice Christmas tree." You might say instead, "That's a nice Day Virginia Pine." Questions so far? No? Good. Now remember, this is not just a battle for the hearts and minds. This is a battle for the wallet. Know that the American Family Association (AFA) — the same people labeled an anti-gay hate group by the Southern Policy Law Center — have a "naughty or nice" list of retailers based on "how they recognize Christmas." Many retailers recognize Christmas just fine, according to the list. But there are some that don't mention Christmas in their advertisements. This, apparently, is a major affront to people who believe there is a War on Christmas. Before we go on, a quick word about Christmas: For those who don't know, it's An Independently owned and operated Member of Coldwell Banker Residential Affiliates. The busiest local information website in Tehama County! 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For instance, the AFA is calling for a boycott of Radio Shack because — and I'm taking this from the AFA website — "Radio Shack has refused to use the word Christmas on its website, in television commercials, newspaper ads and instore promotions." Furthermore, the AFA states, "At Radio Shack, you'll find 'holiday' deals, 'holiday' kickoff, 'holiday' cash and a 'holiday' gift guide, but you won't find 'Christmas' anywhere." Of course, to combat this, we call on all War on Christmas soldiers to do all of their gift shopping at Radio Shack. Your children will simply love a boxful of NTE VHT1000M16 – Cap-1000uF 16V 105*C Radial Lead capacitors. To repeat: YOUR CHILDREN WILL SIMPLY LOVE A BOXFUL OF NTE VHT1000M16 – Cap1000uF 16V 105*C RADIAL LEAD CAPACITORS. All right. That's all for today. You've got your nonholiday plates full. It's going to get ugly out there, troops. Be careful. Last note: Remember the War on Easter starts in a few short months. 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