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2B – Daily News – Monday, December 27, 2010 FEATURES Daughter’s disparagement develops distress Dear Annie: I need to know how to react to my 32- year-old daughter when she tells me about what her emo- tionally abusive husband has said or done to her. ‘‘Joan’’ is a nurse at a hos- pital. Her domineering hus- band, ‘‘Ray,’’ is currently unemployed. The two of them are like oil and water. If she says the sky is blue, he says it is raining. The same goes for their parenting styles. Their 3-year-old daughter has frequent tantrums. Joan started taking away the child’s bottle because Ray was putting baby food into it so he wouldn’t have to feed her. Joan wants to start potty training, but Ray says he doesn’t have the time and wants to keep her in a diaper. Joan has become very passive. Ray has convinced her that she can’t drive the baby to my house (150 miles away) because she will surely have an accident and kill them both. If I want to see my daughter and granddaughter, I have to go there. I understand these are control issues. I just don’t know what to say when Joan calls and repeats these things. I want to help her, but my friends say I enable her to stay with Ray by making things better for her. I love them and want to do what is best. Please advise. — Sad Grammy Dear Grammy: It is not enabling if you are providing a shoulder to lean Annie’s Mailbox by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar on. Abusers manipulate their victims in order to make them feel helpless, incompetent and dependent. It is especially dif- ficult when there are children and a parent feels reluctant to upset the marriage. Your visits and phone calls may be the lifeline Joan needs to find the strength to get help, and we hope you will encourage her to do so. Meanwhile, reinforce your daughter’s confidence in her ability to stand up for her- self. Dear Annie: Every year, our church has a veterans’ service for our members who have served, and each year they are asked to come forward for recognition. At that time, I cannot help but stand and applaud them. However, I feel an urge to salute, but I am not a veteran and don’t know if this is proper. For that matter, when I thank vets at different times during the year, would it be proper to salute, or should I simply say thanks and shake their hand? — Lockport, N.Y. Dear Lockport: As a civilian, there is no law prohibiting you from saluting, but not all veterans appreciate such a gesture from someone who has not served. Since you have no way of knowing whether a serviceperson or veteran would find this presumptuous, we recommend a thank you and a handshake. Dear Annie: This is in response to ‘‘Hurt and Confused in Kentucky,’’ who says her husband seems uninter- ested in intimacy now that she’s had a baby. I’ll bet she has changed, as well. She probably no longer acts like the sexy, playful woman he married. Does she still take the time to fix herself up for him? Does she treat him with respect and adoration like before? Is everything about the baby? Does she expect her husband to take over child- care duties as soon as he walks in after a full day of work? Does she complain and whine? Is she bossy? Seriously, this isn’t just about her husband not having sex with her. The poor guy is also ‘‘Hurt and Confused in Kentucky’’ — One who Sees it from the Outside Dear Outside: It is true that men as well as women can be overwhelmed by the birth of a child, and you’ve raised some excellent points. However, when a man refuses to have sex with his wife and prefers to masturbate to pornography, there is usually more going on. We hope the two of them can get to the bottom of it. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailboxcomcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. Storm leaves airline travelers stranded ATLANTA (AP) — Airlines are working to rebook stranded passen- gers and possibly add flights after a winter storm on the East Coast caused thousands of flight cancel- lations and left countless passengers stranded. Air carriers began can- celing flights Saturday, ahead of the storm, in an effort to avoid stranding passengers at airports as much as possible. Blizzard warnings stretched from New Jersey to Maine. Up to 20 inches (50 centimeters) of snow were expected in Philadel- phia and Boston and up to 16 inches (41 centimeters) in New York City. Delta Airlines, which has canceled 850 flights, says it expects some can- cellations tomorrow as the storm moves through the Northeast, but a spokesman said that was still being determined. ‘‘We expect there will be cancellations in the Northeast, including New York and Boston, through the morning tomorrow,’’ Kent Landers, Delta spokesman, said. ‘‘As we get into the afternoon and certainly by Tuesday morning we are aiming to resume normal operations throughout the East Coast.’’ A spokesman for Unit- ed Airlines, which can- celed 110 flights Sunday, said it could add more flights Monday to accom- modate stranded passen- gers, but final decisions were due later in the evening. Continental said it had canceled 265 mainline and regional flights Sunday and said only that it contin- ues to monitor the storm. ‘‘We are continuing to monitor the storm’s progress and its potential impact on the operation,’’ said spokesman Andrew J. Ferraro. U.S. Airways began canceling flights Saturday evening and canceled more Sunday for a total of 679 mainline and regional express flights. It canceled 110 Monday flights, main- ly in Northeast cities including Philadelphia, New York and Boston. The earlier cancella- tions were being done to try to avoid both passen- gers and crews getting stranded at airports, said spokesman Jim Olson. American Airlines can- celed 262 flights Sunday and spokeswoman Mary Sanderson said 171 flights Monday in and out of air- ports in the Northeast, including Boston, all three New York airports, Philadelphia and Norfolk were canceled. Most of the cancellations are concen- trated in the morning, so those with flights at that time should check. A few really early morning flights out of Washington and Rich- mond, Va., also have been canceled. Cancellations are not only because of the heavy snow, but the gusty winds expected, which makes it difficult to de-ice planes, Sanderson said. Passengers can book a later flight one time with- out charge, she said. PADS may be cause of chronic abodominal pain DEAR DR. GOTT: Like the 15-year -old described in the let- ter you published, my 14-year-old daughter suffered with chronic abdominal pain and nausea for nearly a year. We took her to three gastroenterologists, subjected her to every test known to man, and ended up having her gallbladder removed — an unneces- sary surgery, as it turned out. The doctors speculated that she had one of the many gastro disorders you mentioned, but when none was identified and none of the dozen or so drugs they tried worked, they basically gave up on us. Finally, one wonderful doctor referred us to a spe- cialist at Children’s Hospi- tal in New Orleans, La. He is a pioneer and specialist in pain-associated disabili- ty syndrome, or PADS. It is essentially a disability in which the brain creates a mountain out of a molehill, making a little pain or digestive distress into something much worse. Believe me when I tell you that I was extremely skeptical. But having tried every possible way to help my child, I decided to put my trust in this doctor, and we’ve been forever grate- ful. Within three months of intense cognitive-behavior therapy, my daughter was almost pain- and nausea- free, or at least able to con- trol those symptoms when they cropped up. Now, a year later, it is rare for her to feel ill. The therapy returned not only her health but also her self-confi- dence. Obviously, not every child with chronic pain has PADS, but it may be worth looking into when all else fails. There is a good body of research on it. I certainly understand the helpless- ness a mother feels when she can’t make her child better. Dr. Peter Gott restrictions than what the underly- ing condition would cause. As you put it, the body truly makes a mountain out of a molehill. Imagine not being able to use your arm because of a sliver in your finger. This is essentially what PADS does. A usually minor condition, such as acid reflux, suddenly caus- es severe pain, nausea, vomiting and an inability to eat and do other normal daily activities. Normal treatment fails, and there is no other explanation for the severity of symptoms. I found one small analy- sis of 40 patients ages 7 to 21. Thirty had abdominal pain, five had regurgitation, three had nausea, and two had chest pain. All met symptom-based criteria for functional gastrointestinal disorders, such as irritable bowel syndrome or acid reflux. Thirty-nine of the people also had trouble sleeping. Most underwent mental-health evaluations to rule out eating disorders and psychosis. It was found that all the patients had at least two or more of the following con- ditions: a learning disabili- ty, marital problems within the home, chronic illness in a parent, early pain experiences, unrealistic goals in a perfectionist/high-achiev- ing child and passive or dependent coping styles. Triggering events were found in 37 of the patients. These included febrile (relating to fever) illness, school change, trauma, sexual abuse and the death of a loved one. FYI: Having now been educated about PADS and spoken with my daughter’s specialist, our pediatrician recently referred another patient to him for treat- ment, and that child is experiencing remarkable improvement as well. DEAR READER: Pain- associated disability syn- drome is a fairly new term. It is defined as chronic pain that causes more severe As you can see, this dis- order is complex and varies from patient to patient. The cause isn’t known, but because it begins in preteen and early teen years, it is thought that developmental issues may play a role. Treatment involves both medical and mental-health professionals. Dr. Peter H. Gott is a retired physician and the author of several books, including “Live Longer, Live Better,” “Dr. Gott’s No Flour, No Sugar Diet” and “Dr. Gott’s No Flour, No Sugar Cookbook,” which are available at most bookstores or online. His website is www.AskDrGottMD.com. Support our classrooms, keep kids reading. DONATE YOUR VACATION newspaper dollars to the Newspaper In Education Program HELP OUR CHILDREN For more details call Circulation Department (530) 527-2151 D NEWSAILY RED BLUFF TEHAMACOUNTY T H E V O I C E O F T E H A M A C O U N T Y S I N C E 1 8 8 5 PHONE: (530) 527-2151 FAX: (530) 527-5774 545 Diamond Avenue • P.O. Box 220 • Red Bluff, CA 96080