Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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Suicidal Musical Pigs by PITT DICKEY Right now you are probably asking yourself what do finance guru Warren Buffet, beat writer William Burroughs and a guy named Anonymous all have in common? They are all wiser than the animated pigs in the old Frosty Morn ham TV commercials. Consider the advice from Warren Buffet: "If you ever walk by a bank and there is a long line of people in front of it, get in it." William Burroughs gifted us with, "Sometimes paranoia is just having all the facts." Mr. Anonymous said, "Never argue with a fool. An outside observer may not be able to tell you apart." Compare these sound bits of advice with what pigs sing. The Frost Morn pigs once sang, "The height of a piggy's ambition/From the day he is born/ Is hope that he'll be good enough/To be a Frosty Morn." It is unsettling to watch pigs sing about their desire to be eaten. This was a commercial that was not made by pigs in the know. Let us consider the Frosty Morn TV ad that graced local TV in the early 1960s. This commercial ran many times during my long-ago childhood. Back then, I thought the singing pigs were cool. Only much later did I realize they were part of a porcine death cult. Here is the scenario. Our story takes place in a classroom taught by a guy dressed like Jack Frost. His students are three little pigs who are taking singing lessons from Jack. Jack is conducting the singing while waving a baton tipped with an icicle. A fourth classmate, a promising pig named Eugene, has already gone on to hog heaven. Eugene, in his mortal corruptible but sugar cured form, appears in front of a blackboard wrapped up in a Frosty Morn ham package. The still surviving pigs happily sing a song about being eaten. Jack stands in front of the blackboard showing us a series of important moments in a piggy's life. An outline of steps appears. Eugene prances up the steps and blows on the word "Ambition" while the porcine chorus sings "The height of a piggy's ambition." Then backward time travel occurs. A cheerful stork flies in carrying baby Eugene in a sheet. The stork deposits newborn Eugene into a festive world of pig martyrdom. The choir sings, "From the day he is born/his hope is that he will be good enough to be a Frosty Morn." Eugene grows before our eyes from piglettude to adulthood and suddenly sprouts a halo. Gene, (as his friends used to call him), then tosses his halo over to the next stage of his trip through this vale of tears. He is butchered off screen, magically reincarnated as a ham, and ensconced in a paper sarcophagus that proudly reads Frosty Morn. We know that it is mummified Gene in the ham package because Gene's halo is floating above the Frosty Morn burial shroud. The pigs are beside themselves with happiness as they sing about the embalming process used on Gene. Two of the pigs pick up Gene's hamified body and hold it above their shoulders like Gene just won the Daytona 500. The third pig dances Gangnam style in a throe of ecstasy as they lyrically describe what has happened to Gene. They sing: "For meat that's wonderfully different/They tenderize each ham/They sugar cure and hickory smoke/ That's Frosty Morn, yes Ma'am. Old Gene's body has been tenderized, sugar cured and hickory smoked like a nonconvert during the Spanish Inquisition. 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished if you are a suicidal musical pig. Pig theology holds that ending up as a sugar cured ham is the ultimate reward for good little pigs. Valleydale, another fine producer of pork products ran similar commercials in the '60s. Valleydale featured more musical suicidal pigs. Their pigs dressed as a marching band in a circus parade playing a variety of musical instruments on their way to the slaughter house. Their song is equally peppy, "The music goes zoom, zoom/The drums go boom, boom/ And everyone shouts Hooray for Valleydale/All hail it's Valleydale!" The victors write the history books and the food ads. Next time you see a happy pig getting ready to chow down on a big plate of barbecue or a gleeful turkey wearing a napkin around its neck getting ready to eat a giant turkey leg, beware. Hope the pigs don't take over. What will you do when they come PITT DICKEY, Attorney, Confor you? tributing Writer. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomingweekly.com. ;\YU [V V\Y JHSLUKHY L]LY` >LKULZKH` HUK ZLL ^OH[»Z OHWWLUPUN 484-6200 www.upandcomingweekly.com Daily Specials Breakfast Lunch Dinner Fresh Seafood Hand Cut Steaks Homemade Desserts Italian & Greek Children's Menu Banquet rooms available up to 100 guests WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM 484-0261 1304 Morganton Rd. Mon-Sat: 6am-10pm Sun: 7am-2:30 pm Serving Fayetteville Over 50 Years! MAY 22-28, 2013 UCW 5