Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/11189
Saturday, May 29, 2010 – Daily News – 5A FEATURES Teen feels parent and teacher pressures DEAR DR. GOTT: I’m 17 and having difficulties meeting the expec- tations of my par- ents and teachers. The pressure is really strong and is a burden on the already heavy load I’m carrying. Can you help? DEAR READ- Dr. Peter Gott ER: Most students consider themselves knowledgeable, if not expert, regarding the subject of student pressure. The many theories of this phenomenon do little to solve the problem of what this is and what can be done about it. While the medical director of a local private school for 33 years, I saw the multifaceted conse- quences of this ubiquitous blight. Neither the problems nor the consequences have changed much over the years and, in fact, they may have exacerbated. All we need do is read the daily newspaper or watch televi- sion to see the horror stories unfurl when students and faculty are pressed too hard. There seems to exist two basic classes of student pressure — external and internal. External pressure, either flamboyant or insidious, is delivered up by the environ- ment. For example, consid- er pressure from teachers. “I don’t care that you’ve got a two-hour test tomorrow; tonight’s history assignment is STILL 60 pages!” Or from parents: “If I’m going to send you to a fancy pri- vate school, you should try harder to get good grades!” Or from peers: “Oh, c’mon. One little puff or a can of beer isn’t going to kill you!” External pressure can be destructive if it takes the form of unrealistic expecta- tions that students may find difficult or impossible to meet. Such demands can be seen in the teacher who flunks three-quarters of an entire class or in a parent who insists that his child must attend an Ivy League college. Students who accomplish goals solely to please their parents or other adults may become unhap- py achievers under a con- stant blanket of pressure. External pressure is difficult to control because certain people “own” it and use it in an attempt to force other people into developing “maturity and indepen- dence.” This approach may be necessary in raising children, but in the adolescent, it can result in uncomfortable feel- ings. These feelings are often reflected in various escape techniques, such as drugs, feigned ill- ness and dropping out. On the other hand, internal pressure can be a positive force, as in, for example, the student who achieves because he wants to. Once a person develops a system of internal pres- sure, he may no longer need to be told what to do. This type of pressure enables people to make valid judg- ments regarding situations — for instance, “If I wait until the last minute to write my term paper, I’ll be sorry.” Students who are operat- ing under internal pressure may feel rushed and exas- perated, but they seldom feel the need to escape. They tend to take successes and failures in stride. They may have better-developed concepts of what they can and cannot do. They are more fun and less grim. They usually feel good about themselves. By not being a slave to the wishes of other people, they can enjoy the security of attend- ing to the many exciting options around them. They are not afraid of saying: “That’s not for me. I’d rather do this.” While there are no easy answers to the problem of student pressure, perhaps some students would feel better by developing a cer- tain amount of internal pressure that will enable them to pick appropriate goals and organize suitable methods of achieving them. This approach certainly beats the day-to-day over- work/fatigue/frustration cycle that seems to be such an accepted lifestyle at school. External pressure is a continuing and constant feature of living in society. It can be dealt with, although not controlled, by putting it in perspective. Every year of our lives — particularly those spent in the education system — should be filled with fond memories. Some events may not be uproariously funny and might even be rather humbling; that’s what makes us what we are. Wife is a survivor, but her libido is not Dear Annie: I am a 56- year-old male and have been married to the love of my life for 33 years. The last 16 have been hard on her. She underwent chemo twice, had both breasts removed and, five years ago, had a hysterectomy. She can no longer take hor- mone replacement therapy. She is now 56, and her libido is zilch. She says she is willing to start taking hormones again so our love life will return, but she fears the cancer may come back. Annie, I would rather have her than not, but no sex apparently also means no contact. I would never cheat on her, but I need to feel her next to me. I need to hold her. We can have other forms of sex, but we rarely do. I some- times go half a year without intima- cy of any kind. If I bring it up, it starts a fight. I have tried romancing her and being extra nice and helpful, but still nothing. We’ve seen a therapist, who suggested other things she can do, but she refuses. When I want to cuddle, she pushes me away. She tells me she feels lonely at times, but I do, too. I hate to say it, but there are times when I look at other women. I feel like I’m dying of thirst in the desert, but when offered a nice glass of water, I’m not allowed to drink. What am I supposed to do? — Lonesome Dear Lonesome: Try to cut your wife some slack. She’s had a Voters are reminded they can drop off their Vote-By- Mail ballots at the Vote-By- Mail Drop Box in front of the Tehama County Library, 645 Madison St. Voters can check the sta- tus of returned Vote-By- Mail ballots by logging on to www.co.tehama.ca.us and click on the Elections Department then click the Vote-By-Mail Status link. You will need to enter your Annie’s Mailbox by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar rough time, and sex is not high on her list of priorities. She also may suffer from a poor body image. She can- not work up any interest in intimacy and doesn’t want to risk arousing you by cud- dling. Still, there are things she can do to improve your sex life, and she should be willing to make the effort for the sake of your mar- riage. Gently suggest that she contact the American Cancer Society Reach to Recovery program (cancer.org) at 1-800-ACS-2345 (1-800-227- 2345) and discuss this with some- one who understands. Dear Annie: My son is 26 years old and lives with his father, rent free. He sleeps all day and stays up all night drinking beer and watching TV. My ex-husband buys him what- ever he wants or needs. ‘‘Joey’’ has had a couple of jobs, and we always think he is doing well, but then he quits. I have called the doctor’s office, but they say Joey needs to call. When I ask him to do so, he tells me nothing is wrong. Annie, I’m not sure my ex-hus- band can ‘‘tough love’’ the situation because he fears Joey will do some- thing drastic. Can you suggest any- thing we can do so my son won’t simply lay in bed and not enjoy life? — B.J. Dear B.J.: We assume you believe Joey is depressed, although he may simply be a freeloader who has never been asked to shoulder any responsibility. Either way, he date of birth and either the last four digits of your dri- ver’s license or your Social Security number. You can return your bal- lot the following ways: Affix 61 cents of postage to the envelope and drop it in the mail no later than Tuesday to ensure it makes it to the office no later than 8 p.m. on Elec- tion Day. Post marks will not count. needs help and so do his parents, especially Dad, who is tacitly encouraging Joey’s behavior. Sug- gest that Dad look into Because I Love You (bily.org), P.O. Box 2062 Winnetka, CA 91396, and The National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org) at 1-800-950-NAMI (1- 800-950-6264). Dear Annie: The letter from ‘‘Son of a Portly Pop’’ prompted me to write to an advice columnist for the first time in my 50 years. Please tell him to look into Overeaters Anonymous (oa.org). Three years ago, I lost 70 pounds, and it has given me a new life. In addition to the weight, my high blood pressure and high cho- lesterol went away. I gained the courage to go back to school and am halfway through a graduate degree that I never dreamed of before. As a bonus, I have met won- derful friends. If ‘‘Son’’ can get ‘‘Pop’’ to an OA meeting, he will find support, acceptance and compassion. — John Dear John: Congratulations. We hope ‘‘Pop’’ sees your letter and takes the first step in getting his health back. Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailboxcomcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. Submitting Vote-By-Mail ballots Drop off at the election’s office, 444 Oak St., Room C, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. week- days through June 8. Bring your ballot in to the election’s office from 7 a.m. to 8 p.m. or drop it off at any polling place throughout Tehama County from 7 a.m. to 8 p.m. For more information, call 527-8190 or (886) 289- 5307; or send an e-mail to elections@co.tehama.ca.us. June 8 Primary What’s on TV? ✓ Check out ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE select TV Free - Online - 24/7 Broadcast/Cable/Satellite Listings-Sports-Movies & More! redbluffdailynews.com Now Available Organic & Heirloom Spring Vegetable Plants 1 1/2 miles South of Red Bluff 12645 Hwy 99E (530) 529-2546 Stop waiting, sign up for FREE! • Sign up during the month of June and pay no enrollment or first months dues! *Special applies to standard membership rate EFT Get the kids off the couch this summer! • 4 month student special $99 Don’t forget our members now receive a free social membership at Wilcox Oaks golf course. Enjoy their beautiful pool and club house this summer. Tehama Family Fitness Center 2498 South Main St • Red Bluff 528-8656 • www.tehamafamilyfitness.com