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6 JUNE 8-14, 2016 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM I recently met Captain Jean-Luc Picard, who explained our current curious campaign for president. Armed with a comprehension of Einstein's Special Theory of Relativ- ity coupled with insights from America's greatest movie, Animal House, it all becomes clear. Let us begin with science and then move on to Bluto. The Special Theory of Relativity holds that the speed of light is constant. The faster that an object moves the shorter the object becomes. If the starship Enterprise could obtain the actual speed of light it would disappear to an outside observer because the Enterprise would become so short. Time moves more slowly as you approach the speed of light. The faster the Enterprise goes, the slower the crew will age. Confusing? Yes, but if Captain Picard says it, let it be so. If you have gotten through the first paragraph's mangling of the Special Theory of Relativity without falling asleep, you may be asking yourself, "Self, how does this apply to the 2016 Presidential election?" Simple. Due to global warming and the inexplicable prominence of Kardashians, Earth's velocity through space is speeding up. This causes time to slow down. The current Presidential election seems so long because Earth is beginning to approach the speed of light. The Presidential campaign's interminable length is an example of the Special Theory of Relativity. We are going faster through the space/time continuum which causes time to slow down for us. Earth's increasing velocity lengthens the Presidential campaign to intolerable levels. Once we accept we are in the longest campaign in the history of the Republic, con- sider using the Tao of Animal House to analyze our situation. Donald Trump is Bluto Blutarsky. The Donald has come out of the Delta House with a governmental service GPA of zero point zero. Nonetheless he is the star of the campaign. His cult followers believe everything he says without regard to whether it is true, plausible or even con- tradicts what he said in the preceding sentence. The Donald has whipped the Republi- can establishment who have been living in the Omega Theta Pi House. Jeb Bush is Greg Marmalard, the President of Omega, who will never be president of anything else. The ever personally charming Ted Cruz is Douglas Neidermeyer, the rush chairman of Omega who was ultimately fragged by his own troops in Vietnam. Chris Christie is Kent Dorfman, AKA Flounder, who screwed up and trusted The Donald by endorsing him. Carly Fiorina is Mandy Pepperidge, the Hewlitt Packard cheerleader who ends up with Bluto at the Homecoming Parade and who may be The Donald's VEEP. Lindsey Graham is Babs Jansen, the southern belle cheerleader who is hot for Greg Marmalard. John Kasich is Robert Hoover, the President of Delta House, who though reasonable and calm, was unelectable by Repub- licans because he believes in evolution. Motorcycle fan Rick Perry is D-Day, the biker with no GPA because all his classes were incomplete. Rick Santorum is Stork, the brain damaged member of Delta House. Marco Rubio is Pinto Kroger, the pledge at Delta house who made the mistake of making fun of the size of The Donald's hands. On the Democratic side, the Animal House guidance is much slimmer as the competi- tors were far fewer. Hillary Clinton, a neglected wife, stars as Marion Wormer, the ne- glected wife of Dean Wormer. Our old pal Bernie Sanders is Dean Wormer. Just as Dean Wormer despised the Delta House, Bernie despises the Democratic establishment that has anointed Hillary as its Presidential nominee. Dean Bernie has placed Hillary Clin- ton on double secret probation. Bernie, who is not going away, channels Bluto, "Nothing is over until we decide it is. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?" Bernie will try to toss Hillary from the Democratic convention the way Dean Worm- er ousted the Delta House at the Fraternity Trial of the Century. Hillary's defense of her email server will echo Otter's defense of the Delta house. "I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether I broke a few rules or took a few liberties with classified information — I did. But you can't hold me responsible for the behavior of an unprotected email server. For if you do, shouldn't we blame the entire technology industry? And if the technology industry is guilty, isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? You can do what you want to me, but I'm not going to sit here and listen to you bad mouth the United States of America." Discouraged about your choices for President? As Bluto said, "My advice to you is to start drinking heavily." Animal House Meets the Theory of Relativity by PITT DICKEY OPINION PITT DICKEY. Columnist. COMMENTS? 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