North Bay Woman

44 NORTH BAY WOMAN | F A L L 2 0 1 5 Confusing Gift-Giving with hat comes to mind when you think of love? How do you show love? What does it mean to you? What do you expect from those who love you? What do others expect from you? Love is this "thing" we feel but can be hard to articulate because of the vast range of people's experiences. Some say they feel it in their hearts. Others say it's a felt sense of security and trust to know they have a safe place to seek shelter. And there are those who simply aren't sure. What psychology and neuroscience tells is that we are born wired to connect with each other, to seek proximity, connection and safety. Fueled by the powerful stimulant dopa- mine, passionate love ultimately serves us biologically to produce more humans. Our need to give and receive love is multi-faceted. With the holidays before us, gift-giving is a common way people express love and affection for each other. Many assume that buying wheelbarrows full of presents, sometimes lavish and expensive, is what is expected. It can be a lot of fun for the giver to spend time finding the "perfect" gift for their loved one as well as thrilling for the receiver to see what their loved one has given them. This is one way it can go down What also can happen is manic shopping and excessive spend- ing of money you possibly don't have, followed by children (and possibly unappreciative adults) robotically ripping open gift box after gift box. Happy Holidays? Perhaps. Back to the subject of "love," is it possible that receiving gifts isn't the way to everyone's heart? What if all of the time and money you spend on shopping actually misses the mark for some of the people who matter the most? As a psychotherapist, I have the pleasure of working with many types of people. It's important for me to understand who they are in life, their priorities and what they feel isn't working for them. But I can't get anywhere without a real understanding of the meaning they attach to it all. This not only applies to my profession but to close relationships in general. How do the people you care about feel the most loved? Gary Chapman, pastor, marriage counselor and author of "The Five Love Languages" book series, suggests that people feel loved in different ways. Some of your loved ones may feel most loved when they receive gifts. But others might not. When considering what would have the most meaning to your family or friends over the holidays, seek to know their "love language." And communicate your love language to them. By Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT w L ove

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