North Bay Woman

NBW April 2015

North Bay Woman Magazine

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54 NORTH BAY WOMAN | S P R I N G 2 0 1 5 R E L A T I O N S H I P E N D I N G S How to Let Someone Go with Compassion By Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT Relationships are one of the most rewarding things there are, especially if they provide the connection, safety and support you seek. They inherently require effort to stay healthy and even then, they don't always last. People and circumstances change, many bring in emotional wounds from childhood and sometimes it just doesn't work for a million other reasons. When an intimate relationship or friendship has run its course and you want to move on, there are a number of choices in how to do this, often driven by emotion. If you're pissed off as hell, your nervous system likely will be hijacked by anger and a grounded, more thoughtful approach will be difficult. The fantasy of letting them "have it" followed by a Hollywoodesque, slo-mo walk with a rising plume of smoke behind you might be appealing. But would this approach provide long term healing? Maybe…but likely not. Also, many struggle with breaking up because they are paralyzed by the fear of hurting the other person. So they do nothing but prolong the suffering by their silence. If you know it's the right thing for you to move on, breaking up is a far better choice than the inevitable, drawn out ending. There are some important things to keep in mind as you go through this process. Relationships are a "two-way street." Relationships involve a complex system of in- teractions between both parties. People behave in all sorts of ways that initiate a back and forth response from each other. This "two- way street" can lead to break ups, especially if there are unproductive and damaging repetitive cycles. Breaking up is not about being a failure You are not a failure if your relationship doesn't work out. Many people with a ten- dency for personalizing, mistakingly take this on board when a break up occurs, no matter who initiated it. Breaking up provides learning opportunities There is a wealth of information that can come out of ending a relationship. Perhaps you have clarity around what you need from a partner. Maybe you were guided toward wounds that need tending. So, you're ready to let an important some- one go. Your intention is to do your best to move on with as much integrity as possible. You want to move on feeling the best you can about how you handled it. And you know that doing so can only benefit both parties. Your Compassionate Break-Up Checklist You communicated your issues about the relationship rather than stay silent. • The goal is to avoid them feeling blind- sided. One of the most painful experiences for those being left is when it feels to them to come out of nowhere. A compassionate approach (if you still care about the person and wish they were behaving differently) is to give them the chance to do that. • You considered your role in the relation- ship dynamics. • The goal is to avoid total blame by taking a more balanced approach. It's very easy, especially when angry, to attack and point the finger. A wiser approach is to hold a mirror up to yourself. How might you also have behaved that didn't serve the relationship? This can be tricky. • You end the relationship face to face with a conversation, ideally privately. • The goal is to avoid "dumping" via text, email or total disap- pearance. A public break up runs the risk of an emo- tionally reac- tive response that might be uncomfort- able for you both. • You deliver the news clearly and with sensitivity, explaining how you've come to this place (how the relationship has impacted you, your efforts to work through it, owning your role, etc). • The goal is to provide the other with clar- ity and, hopefully, closure, rather than leaving them with a sudden, painful ending with not enough time to discuss. This kinder approach gives the other the data points they need to process later. Help them to understand before you say goodbye. • You explain how you want the rela- tionship to end (no contact, friendship or somewhere in between). • The goal is to set clear expectations for the other. If you are resolved to it being truly done, avoid murky boundaries that might leave a trail of hope. The idea is to leave the person with a clear understanding of why the relationship is done. In many cases, there's nothing personal about these types of endings. But there might be. If you run into them around town, would you feel like you had to duck and hide? Or would you feel comfortable to greet them with a smile? n Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT has a private practice working with individuals and couples in downtown Larkspur, Marin county, (MarinTherapyAnd- Counseling.com). Lisa is a frequent consultant for the media, having appeared in CNN, HuffingtonPost and others.

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