Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.
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6 UCW November 22-28, 2023 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Right now, you are probably asking yourself, "Self, what is the strongest force in the universe?" Mr. Science has the answer. Inertia is the strongest force. It cannot be denied. We just enjoyed the switch from Day Light Savings Time to Eastern Standard Time. Who wanted this time change? Nobody. Why did it happen? Inertia. Every year people fuss about it and nothing hap- pens – reason Inertia. e two likely candidates for President next year are President Biden and Trump. Who wants this return match up? Practi- cally nobody. Why is it going to hap- pen? Inertia. Everybody talks about the weather. Nobody does anything about it. Why- Inertia. Let us exam- ine how Inertia controls the universe. Sir Isaac Newton is guilty of creat- ing the Triumph of Inertia. Sir Ike invented Inertia. Before Ike came along, Inertia was spelled with a small "i" and was considered incon- sequential like gluten allergies before they became fashionable. Ike came up with three laws of motion back in 1687. It is no coincidence his first law dealt with Inertia stating "If there is no external force, an object that is at rest stays at rest, and an object that is in motion continues to move." For purposes of today's lesson, we will ignore the other two laws. His first law applies not only in physics but in politics. Inertia keeps things the way they always have been unless something major happens. Examples of Inertia: Put this copy of Up & Coming down on a table, it will stay there until someone uses it for kindling. Put a pack of cigarettes on a table, they will remain there unable to give anyone cancer until someone smokes them. Put an AR-15 on a table, it will remain there unable to be a part of a mass murder until a moron picks it up and starts shooting. Sir Ike was a man for all seasons. He also invented gravity while sitting under a tree in 1665. He was leaning back on an apple tree and noticed that when apples fell, they went straight down instead of falling up or side- ways. Something was pulling them down to the ground. He cyphered that the mysterious force that kept people on the ground and planets in orbit was called gravity. ere are no credible reports of people flying off the Earth before Ike invented gravity, but he gets credit for figuring it out. After Ike's revelation, gravity is not just a good idea but it is the law. When Sir Ike wasn't inventing Iner- tia and gravity, he was also an inven- tive cook in the kitchen. He invented America's third most popular cookie – the Fig Newton. According to the South Florida Reporter, only Oreos and Chips Ahoy cookies are more popular. I am not one to second- guess the South Florida Reporter. If they said it, I believe it, and that settles it. Some folks think the Fig Newton was invented by Charles Roser of Ohio in the mid 1800s. Other cooler heads point out that Charles' version of the Fig Newton came from a British treat called a Fig Roll. Follow the dots, Ike was British, his last name was New- ton, he liked sitting under fruit trees, both apples and figs are fruits, the fig roll came from England, Roser merely industrialized the production of Fig Newtons. Ergo, Sir Isaac Newton is the Father of the Fig Newton. I rest my case. e US Congress has a current favorability rating of 17%. Yet 98% of Congress Persons get re-elected each year. Why does this happen when they as a group are so unpopular? Once again, the answer is Inertia. ey ain't going anywhere, protected by the benevolent and malevolent arms of Inertia. e permanent rul- ing class of Congress Persons remain in office like stalactites until they die or get convicted. Members of Congress are immune to a sense of shame. Mere indictments will not cause them to leave office. ey will hold on with their fingernails until a Judge sends them to the hoosegow. Exhibits A: Congressdude George Santos and Senator Robert Menen- dez. Congress folks are protected by a reverse evil version of Father Merrin in the original version of "e Exor- cist". e Patron Saint of Congress is the Dark Lord Sauron who protects crooked or merely incompetent Con- gress Persons with the incantation: "e Power of Inertia Protects You!" Like cock roaches and Twinkies, the permanent class of Congress Persons will outlast all life on Earth except for Keith Richards. So, what have we learned today? Inertia by any other name would smell as sweet. Fig Newtons are the third most popular cookie in America. Congress is protected by the Inertia of Dark Lord Sauron. I like Ike, but we are not in Kansas anymore. PITT DICKEY, Columnist. COMMENTS? Editor@upand- comingweekly.com. 910-484-6200. The Power of Inertia compels you by PITT DICKEY OPINION Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. (Illustration by Pitt Dickey) Letters to the Editor Do YOU have something to say? We want YOU to be heard! We want EVERYONE to be able to voice their opinions on current community events. Let us be a place to start much needed conversations. ALL VOICES WELCOMED! EMAIL: editor@upandcomingweekly.com CALL: 910-484-6200