Up & Coming Weekly

December 15, 2020

Up and Coming Weekly is a weekly publication in Fayetteville, NC and Fort Bragg, NC area offering local news, views, arts, entertainment and community event and business information.

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6 UCW DECEMBER 16-22, 2020 WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Christmas gifts for the dumb at heart by PITT DICKEY Are you stressed out enough, Bunkie? Would you like some more tension in your life? Time to add a new layer of anxiety to your weary load. What are the perfect Christmas pres- ents to magically cancel your loved ones' 2020 stress? As a service to both my readers, here are some gift ideas that will turn 2020 into purple haze of happiness morphing this year into a triumph of comfort and joy. Being a person of the oblivious male persua- sion, I frequently encounter troubles finding the perfect gift for my wife, Lani. Other clueless husbands may have similar Christmas issues. Husbands, I feel your pain. I know you would rather watch a basketball game than go shop- ping, but that is not to be. You must buy the perfect gift. No pressure. Find something for her that will erase all of your shortcomings of the past year. e first place to start looking for gift ideas is on the inside back cover of old Superman and Donald Duck comic books. ere are more gift ideas there than a 19th Century Mormon would need for all his wives. I began collecting comic books back in the 1950s when they were only a dime. I had zillions of them. I ordered trea- sures from the back of the book: ant farms, toy soldiers and an Invisible Space Helmet. Really good stuff. A bit of background information about those ads to get us started. e Father of Comic Books ads was a dude named Harold von Braunhut. Harold was an inventor and bet- ter salesman than even Don Draper of "Mad- men." According to Mr. Google, Harold came up with 195 patents including the amazing Sea Monkeys, Invisible Goldfish, and X-Ray Specs which allegedly allowed adolescent boys to see under the clothing of ladies of the female race. (Author's note: the X-Ray Specs did not work). Enough history, you say: "What hath Harold wrought?" e ads on the back of the comic books were a wonderland of great gags, hilari- ous and disgusting products and phony teeth. Consider what you can buy from the inside cover: a 7-foot-long Polaris nuclear subma- rine which fires rockets and torpedoes for only $6.98. Learn to be a ventriloquist for only a quarter. See Behind Glasses with secret mirrors that let you see what was happening behind your back. Onion Gum that "looks like real gum but tastes like ONIONS!" (emphasis in original). A Joy Buzzer you wear like a ring "when you shake hands, it almost raises the victim off his feet with a shocking sensation." (I had one of those) Trick black soap that "looks ordinary but the victim washes his face and gets blacker and blacker" for only 25 cents. A Secret Spy scope with "a wide field magnifier concealed in a pen sized pocket scope that lets you peek to your heart's content. So handy for sporting events, counter-spying, and Girl Watching." Only $2.98. But wait! ere are more items for your consideration: police handcuffs for $4.98. Fake bullet hole decals that are "strikingly effective on cars or windows. Looks like you've been shot at." 49 cents. Fake vomit, providing loads of laughs. A squirrel monkey for only $13.50. A Geiger Counter for $24.95 — "is is no toy! It is a scientific instrument — yet a child can use it to find great wealth!" A tool that can remove ugly blackheads in seconds for only $1.00. Need a gift for a 97-pound weakling? Give the gift from Charles Atlas who can make you a new man in only 15 minutes a day through his patented Dynamic Tension method. Remem- ber the beach bully who yelled "Hey Skinny… Yer ribs are showing" at Joe the 97-pound weakling? His girlfriend tells him not to let the bully hit him. Unfortunately, the bully clobbers him, telling Joe: "Shut up, you Bag of Bones!" Embarrassed, Joe orders Charles Atlas' system and works out. On Joe's return to the beach, he socks the bully saying: "Here's a love tap from the Bag of Bones." Girlfriend dutifully im- pressed, takes Joe's arm and says "Oh Joe, you are a real He-Man after all." Two other girls on the beach say "What a man, and he used to be so skinny!" Turn your 97-pound weakling friend into a real He-Man. Unfortunately, not all ads could be verified as truthful. e World of Hijinks page from Unsu- pervised Corp accompanying this column may have some fake items. Pet cigarettes featur- ing a cat smoking might be an exaggeration. A Door Mat Mine that explodes will make your friends fly. Pit Vipers "delivered direct to your favorite victim. What a hoot!" Eye Daggers with "spring loaded carbon steel knives shoot from your eyes." Uranium Gum Looks like regular gum. But it will make their teeth glow in the dark." A life-sized model guillotine for $3. A barrel of live monkeys —"Oh boy, that's right, real monkeys! Don't ask where we got 'em. We have to move them fast. ey already ate all our exploding sandwiches." e famous Exploding Sandwich "Sit back and watch the fun. Your victim will go on a diet." Everyone on your Christmas list will be more than delighted to receive any of these fine items as a Yuletide treat. Sorry, no refunds. All sales are final. Merry Christmas! OPINION PITT DICKEY, Columnist. COMMENTS? Editor@upandcomin- gweekly.com. 910-484-6200. Some readers may remember the treasure trove of gift ideas found inside the back cover of comic books. Christian music station local your

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