Up & Coming Weekly

New and Improved Ancient History by PITT DICKEY Wake up America! We are being visited by plagues of Biblical proportions. Signs of the Apocalypse are everywhere. I have been reading Susan Bauer’s excellent book History of the Ancient World so I am hip to signs and portents of the coming cataclysm. If I had some goat entrails to read I could be even more specifi c. Consider the confl uence of the Yellow Peril and the Dark Blue angels of Satan arriving the same week. The Yellow Peril is the pollen from the sexually promiscuous trees and fl owers which fi lls our eyes and sinuses and covers our cars with a thin candy shell of yellow dust. Hacking, wheezing, runny eyes and fi nancial bonanzas for owners of car washes and allergists absorb our days. The federal government’s new Ramstrees program of condoms for trees promises to relieve some of our nasal misery. The forests will be fi tted with condoms about the time the pollen stops. The Dark Blue angels of Satan are Coach K’s legions of Dook Blue Devils and their rabid followers. Dooksters are everywhere, invading the peaceful land of Carolina like Assyrians taking over Babylon in 1700 B.C. The Butlers almost did it to Dook, but the forces of Satan were too strong. Evil won out as Butler’s Gordon Hayward’s last second desperation shot was knocked off the rim by the Babylonian god Marduk. It is a well known fact that Marduk is a Dook fan. As the late great former President Gerald Ford would say, “America’s long national nightmare is going to continue for another year as the Dook won the Big Dance.” History repeats itself. Nowhere is that more evident than with our buddy and ally, Hamid Karzai, the President of Afghanistan. He is doing his best imitation of South Vietnamese President Ngo Dinh Diem. Diem turned out to be a bit on the Wiley’s Grille & Bar at the Holiday Inn Bordeaux. Relaxed • Casual • Friendly corrupt side and came to an ugly and mysterious end. Our loyal friend Karzai just announced he was considering joining the Taliban if things didn’t go his way with the United States. Makes me wonder how long we will keep fi ghting to preserve the government in Afghanistan when the head of that government is openly considering switching sides to fi ght against us. If you were an insurance company, would you be willing to issue a life insurance policy on Karzai? Maybe we will make up and be friends with Karzai and keep propping up his government as we keep losing our soldiers’ lives for him. Maybe we will love him well past his expiration date. That sort of thing has happened before. Consider the Sumerian King and all around hero, Gilgamesh. Gilgamesh lived around 2600 BC. The Sumerians liked the G-man so much that 4700 short years ago, they wrote the oldest surviving epic poem about him. Gilgamesh and his best buddy Endiku went on a bunch of quests. They had some very excellent adventures and did a lot of cool stuff that managed to irritate the Sumerian gods. The gods decide to smite Endiku to get even with the G-man. Being smote, Endiku woke up dead one morning much to Gilgamesh’s dismay. Gilgamesh was so distraught that he wouldn’t let anyone bury Endiku despite the summer heat of Mesopotamia. Here is the part of the Gilgamesh poem in which the G-man pours out his grief: “Endiku, my friend/ For six days and seven nights I wept over him/ I did not allow him to be buried/ Until a worm fell out of his nose.” We may continue to mourn our lost friendship with Karzai until a worm falls out of his nose. At some point it is certain that the worm will fall out of the nose of Afghanistan. America will decide to go home and leave Afghanistan to the worms. Waiting to greet them will be the RNC’s Young Eagles Art Tour celebrating wholesome family values by meeting at the Voyeur lesbian bondage club in West Hollywood, USA. Gilgamesh has gone into the mountain and will not come again. PITT DICKEY, Contributing Writer. COMMENTS? 484-6200 ext. 222 or editor@upandcomingweekly.com. Menu includes a variety of appetizers, salads, sandwiches, entrees and char-grilled, hand cut “Sterling Silver” choice steaks. www.hibordeaux.com 1707 Owen Drive 910-323-0111 or 800-325-0211 OPEN DAILY FROM 4 P.M. - MIDNITE, GRILLE OPEN 4:30 - 11 P.M. 2 pool tables, 2 big screens and 10 monitors hosting NFL ticket (in season), and as the fun heats up, take advantage of our outdoor deck. Wiley’s offers a full bar including frozen Island Oasis creations. WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM APRIL 14-20, 2010 UCW 7

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