Up & Coming Weekly

NEWS OF THE WEIRD by CHUCK SHEPPARD War Is Hell: The day before British army chef Liam Francis, 26, arrived at his forward operating base in Afghanistan, the Taliban shot down the helicopter ferrying in food rations, and Francis realized he had to make do with supplies on hand. In his pantry were only seasonings, plus hundreds of tins of Spam. For six weeks, until resupply, Francis prepared “sweet and sour Spam,” “Spam fritters,” “Spam carbonara,” “Spam stroganoff” and “stir-fried Spam.” He told the Daily Telegraph that he was proud of his work but admitted that “morale improved” when fresh food arrived. [Daily Telegraph, 2-5-10] Questionable Obsessions In November, Jim Bartek, 49, of Maple Heights, Ohio, announced he was ending his streak of 524 consecutive days in which he listened to the album Nostradamus by the heavy-metal group Judas Priest. [Plain Dealer (Cleveland), 11-21-09] Leading Economic Indicators Details about Britain’s biggest marijuana-importing operation emerged in March following the conviction of its three managers in Southwark Crown Court. The enterprise earned the equivalent of as much as $300 million at such a rapid clip that the partners apparently were unable to use much of it, despite buying real estate, jewelry and expensive cars. An inspector said Scotland Yard found “moldy” cash “rotting away,” hidden under fl oorboards. “(I)t was no good to anybody.” [The Times (London), 3-5-10] Recession’s Over: Among the items on display in Feb. at the Verona Luxury Fair in Verona, Italy: a hand-crafted billiards table covered in gold sheets; an armchair topped with the skin of 20 crocodiles; a 24-carat gold racing bike; a boat with a Ferrari engine; a golden coffi n (with cell phone); and a diamond-studded wedding gown in pink chinchilla fur. [Agence France-Presse, 2-26-10] Mad Dogs, Horseplay, Monkey Business, Having a Cow Farmer Chang Chung-tou, of Yunlin County, Taiwan, drew praise from environmentalists in Dec. for having “toilet”- trained almost all of his 20,000 pigs to use his 600 specially rigged plots that collect and separate urine and feces. Chang’s farm conserves water and facilitates recycling. [Deutsche Presse Agentur, 12-14-09] Animals With Issues: Ashley Saks’ 2-year-old basset hound Roxy was resting comfortably in Jacksonville, Fla., in Nov. following a vet’s removal, one by one, of the 130 nails she had compulsively swallowed. [WJXT-TV (Jacksonville), 11-24-09] The polar bear Aisaqvaq produced two cubs in Dec. at Quebec’s Zoo Sauvage de Saint-Felicien. Aisaqvaq had given birth to another the previous December, but had eaten it. [Canwest News Service, 12-4-09] In November, maritime rescuers were called to ocean waters off the coast of Darwin, Australia, to rescue an adult cow that was dog-paddling around and, according to a seaman, “not in a good mood.” [Northern Territory News, 11-30-09] COPYRIGHT 2008 CHUCK SHEPHERD WWW.UPANDCOMINGWEEKLY.COM Saturday, April 17th 10:00 a.m. - 2:00 p.m. Join us for the ABC’s of caring for your baby! All-American Entrance Clinic Mall For more information please call 910.907.7349 or 910.907.6198 Womack Army Medical Center Maternity Fair           ADVICE GODDESS Hope Against Nope I’ve been seeing this guy for more than two years. Although we spend lots of time together, we don’t have a committed rela- tionship. We’ve been off and on throughout this entire two-year “complexship,” as I call it. Normally, we’re fine until I start asking about us being more to each other. He then picks a fight and disappears. Out of the blue the other day, he told me I deserved more and said he didn’t want to waste my time or make me miss out on somebody who could give me what I want. I told him I’m fine, and that I’m dating other people (I am). Still, I’m not sure why he brought it up if he didn’t want to commit to me. I truly love him, and have since the moment we met. Do you think he’ll ever be ready, or am I his “temp” till he finds someone permanent for the job? —Stuck You’re about three blocks past            “way too pathetic” when the stuff your girlfriends got sick of telling you — “Dump him! He’s just using you! You deserve better!” — is coming from the guy you “deserve better” than. Amazingly, you take this as a sign he’s ready to commit, rather than the obvious — his guilt so overtook his self-interest that he’s like the buzzard feeling sorry for the roadkill: “How ‘bout I just have a few pecks of your hindquarters and then be on my way?” Not surprisingly, you need to fancy up two years of hanging around not getting what you want by calling this a “complexship.” It isn’t complex in the slightest: You want a relationship with him; he doesn’t want one with you, but he’ll continue seeing you on what I call the Bag of Chips Principle, as in, if there’s a bag of chips within a man’s reach, he’ll probably help himself to some. To many, your situation might seem Amy Alkon like a simple case of “He’s just not that into you.” And since you’d probably see a flicker of hope while blindfolded and being lowered head-first into a pitch-dark cesspool, let me make this perfectly clear: No, he’s not. But, there’s such a thing as readiness for a relationship. Finding the right person isn’t enough. You have to have the right person at the right time. It’s possible your guy hasn’t been ready for anything serious with anyone. Instead of accepting that he can’t give you what you want and waving goodbye, you most likely sealed the deal that he’ll never be ready for you by being all over him like ants on potato salad. (Men don’t want what comes easy to them, with the exception of “Free beer!”) But, wait, there are mitigating circumstances here! You “truly love him!” Great — the universal excuse women give for doing something utterly stupid and self-destructive with a man. For a change of pace, show a little love for yourself. Take that old advice “If you love something, set it free.” If it comes back to you, and comes back to you, and comes back to you, and still won’t give you what you want, set it free again, and change the locks. (c)2008, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. MARCH 31-APRIL 6, 2010 UCW 23

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