Issue link: https://www.epageflip.net/i/796212
ChipThompson, Editor How to have your say: Letters must be signed and provide the writer's home street address and home phone number. Anonymous letters, open letters to others, pen names and petition-style letters will not be allowed. Letters should be typed and no more than two double-spaced pages or 500words. When several letters address the same issue, a cross section will be published. Email: editor@ redbluffdailynews.com Fax: 530-527-9251 Mail to: Daily News 728Main St., Red Bluff, CA 96080 Facebook: Leave comments at FACEBOOK.COM/ RBDAILYNEWS Twitter: Follow and send tweets to @REDBLUFFNEWS IcalledmyfriendAndy,agastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. In his office a few days later, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minne- apolis. ThenAndyexplainedthe colonoscopy pro- cedure to me in a thorough, re- assuring and pa- tient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, "he's going to stick a tube 17,000 feet up your behind." I left Andy's office with some written instructions and a pre- scription for a product called MoviPrep, which comes in a box large enough to hold a mi- crowave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around be- ing nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm wa- ter. (For those of you unfamil- iar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes — and here I am being kind — like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. MoviPrep is a nuclear lax- ative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the com- mode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bath- room, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bow- els travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed eve- ning, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was nervous. Not only was I wor- ried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing oc- casional bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, "What if I spurt on Andy?" How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledg- ing that I understood and totally agreed with what- ever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy peo- ple, where I went inside a lit- tle curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments de- signed by sadistic perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are ac- tually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot- tube, but I knew Andy had hidden it somewhere. I was se- riously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiolo- gist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that it was "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, "Danc- ing Queen" had to be the least appropriate. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare your- self, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really, I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling "Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine," and the next mo- ment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more ex- cellent when he told me that IT was all over and that my colon had passed with flying colors. •••• Patient comments made during colonoscopy: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly go- ing where no man has gone before." 2. "Find Amelia Ear- hart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me now?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You know, in Arkansas we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 7. "Hey, now I know how a Muppet feels." 8. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit." 9. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." And finally, "Could you write a note to my wife saying that my head is not up there?" •••• Dave Berry, Pulitzer Prize- winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald, wrote the above colon-related column. I stole it because I think he is terrific at what he does and I think it is important to re- mind us old folks to sched- ule mammograms and colo- noscopies as recommended by the medical profession. Who knows, the life you save may be your own. •••• Coming to the State The- atre on March 13: The Four Freshmen. This amazing vocal group has recorded more than 70 albums and has served as inspiration to such groups as the Beach Boys, the Mama's and Papa's and the Manhattan Transfer. At $25-$35, tickets are selling fast, but can still be obtained at the Tehama Country Visitor Center or by calling 529-2787. •••• Please check out the State Theatre Seat Sponsorship Pro- gram at www.statetheatrered- bluff.com Thank you. BillCorneliusisalifelong resident of Red Bluff, a retired Chief Probation Officer, a champion of the State Theatre and an exceptional athlete. He can be reached at bill. cornelius@sbcglobal.net. WilliamTells Wordsabouta delicate procedure Cartoonist's take The Washington Post head- line caught my attention: "Fed- eral workers grow increasingly nervous about Trump's proposed budget cuts." That's a head- line that would surely make George Washing- ton smile. He appointed three commission- ers who named America's then- new capital city for him in 1791. They also called its site the Ter- ritory of Columbia, which Con- gress renamed as the District of Columbia in 1871. But today, Washington the city has little in common with Wash- ington the man. Consider: After George Wash- ington beat the British against overwhelming odds, he was so popular, he could have become our king. Instead, he used his im- mense power to help establish the Constitution, which grants power to us little folks. How many power players in Washington today would give up such an opportunity? Too many people there love having central- ized power over other people — love telling the rest of us what kind of health insurance poli- cies we must carry, to cite one re- cent example that has been espe- cially costly to me and millions of others. True, George Washington be- lieved in a strong central gov- ernment, but his purpose was to hold our fledgling nation to- gether and to provide a proper defense against our adversaries. Washington believed private industry should be able to ply its trade freely without the federal government continually butt- ing in. But there hasn't been much limiting going on in Washington in recent years. According to Forbes, six of the nation's 10 wealthiest counties in 2013 were in the D.C. metro area. Since 2000, federal spend- ing has more than doubled. Our central government fuels 40 per- cent of D.C.'s regional economy and more than half of its jobs — generating the funds for young professionals to drive luxury au- tomobiles, live in upscale homes and dine frequently at hoity-toity restaurants. George was a gentleman farmer who was born into a mod- estly well-to-do family. Through a modest inheritance, land spec- ulation, his marriage to Martha (a wealthy landowner) and his business acumen, he grew his net worth to about $500 million in today's dollars. Whereas too many power play- ers in today's Washington im- pose complexity on the rest of us, George believed in simplicity. He commissioned a French architect to design the city that bears his name in four orderly quadrants. The place was surely easy to navigate years ago, but thanks to countless rules and restrictions it is impossible to get around in now. Almost every road has one-way traffic. If you need to turn right, you are only permit- ted to turn left. Lewis and Clark couldn't navigate modern D.C. with Google Maps and a busload of Harvard geologists. Though Washington was not highly educated — his formal schooling ended around age 15 and he spent time learning to be a surveyor before getting in- volved in the military — he was a lifelong learner. He toiled in his gardens to cross-breed the perfect plants. He was forever trying new ways to cultivate and harvest his crops. He was an experimental maker of beer and whiskey — his distill- ery was the largest in America at that time. Humbled by the unforgiv- ing realities of nature and busi- ness, Washington attained wis- dom and horse sense. He became a master of economy and good judgment — traits that are rare in modern Washington, D.C. The town is overdue for a makeover and I hope President Trump will be the bold leader who can give it one. If we can restore the traits that made George Washington great — if we can stop federal spend- ing from bankrupting us and stop federal bureaucrats from impeding on private freedoms — our future will be bright. Tom Purcell, author of "Misadventures of a 1970s Childhood" and "Wicked Is the Whiskey," a Sean McClanahan mystery novel, both available at Amazon.com, is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist. Send comments to Tom@TomPurcell.com. Tom Purcell Washington, D.C. has little in common with namesake I did not see the 17,000-foot-tube, but I knew Andy had hidden it somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Bill Cornelius Tom Purcell History shows that, if individ- uals have the freedom to choose what to use as money, they will likely opt for gold or silver. Of course, modern politicians and their Keynesian enablers de- spise the gold or silver standard. This is because linking a cur- rency to a precious metal limits the ability of central banks to fi- nance the growth of the welfare- warfare state via the inflation tax. This forces politicians to finance big government much more with direct means of taxation. Despite the hostility toward gold from modern politicians, gold played a role in US mone- tary policy for sixty years after the creation of the Federal Re- serve. Then, in 1971, as concerns over the US government's in- creasing deficits led many for- eign governments to convert their holdings of US dollars to gold, President Nixon closed the gold window, creating America's first purely fiat currency. America's 46-year experiment in fiat currency has gone ex- actly as followers of the Austrian school predicted: a continuing decline in the dollar's purchas- ing power accompanied by a de- cline in the standard of living of middle- and working-class Amer- icans, a series of Federal Reserve- created booms followed by in- creasingly severe busts, and an explosive growth in government spending. Federal Reserve poli- cies are also behind much of the increase in income inequality. Since the 2008 Fed-cre- ated economic meltdown, more Americans have become aware of the Federal Reserve's respon- sibility for America's economic problems. This growing anti-Fed sentiment is one of the key fac- tors behind the liberty move- ment's growth and represents the most serious challenge to the Fed's legitimacy in its history. This movement has made "Audit the Fed" into a major national is- sue that is now closer than ever to being signed into law. Audit the Fed is not the only fo- cus of the growing anti-Fed move- ment. For example, this Wednes- day the Arizona Senate Finance and Rules Committees will con- sider legislation (HB 2014) offi- cially defining gold, silver, and other precious metals as legal ten- der. The bill also exempts trans- actions in precious metals from state capital gains taxes, thus en- suring that people are not pun- ished by the taxman for rejecting Federal Reserve notes in favor of gold or silver. Since inflation in- creases the value of precious met- als, these taxes give the govern- ment one more way to profit from the Federal Reserve's currency de- basement. HB 2014 is a very important and timely piece of legislation. The Federal Reserve's failure to reignite the economy with re- cord-low interest rates since the last crash is a sign that we may soon see the dollar's collapse. It is therefore imperative that the law protect people's right to use alternatives to what may soon be virtually worthless Federal Re- serve notes. Passage of HB 2014 would also send a message to Congress and the Trump administration that the anti-Fed movement is grow- ing in influence. Thus, passage of this bill will not just strengthen movements in other states to pass similar legislation; it will also help build support for the Audit the Fed bill and legislation repeal- ing federal legal tender laws. This Wednesday I will be in Arizona to help rally support for HB 2014, speaking on behalf of the bill before the Arizona Senate Finance Committee at 9:00 a.m. I will also be speaking at a rally at noon at the Arizona state capitol. I hope every supporter of sound money in the Phoenix area joins me to show their support for end- ing the Fed's money monopoly. Ron Paul is a former Congressman and Presidential candidate. He can be reached at the RonPaulInstitute.org. Ron Paul Arizona challenges the Fed's money monopoly OPINION » redbluffdailynews.com Wednesday, March 8, 2017 » MORE AT FACEBOOK.COM/RBDAILYNEWS AND TWITTER.COM/REDBLUFFNEWS A4